z

Young Writers Society



Gypsie Eyes: chapter three

by gyrfalcon


Chapter Three

“Elementals are, as you know, the source and the beginning of magic in our world.” Karenna sat with her head in her hands, listening in bored dismay to lessons every student in the room had learned when they were four. She was sandwiched between the twins behind a large table made of—what else?—stone. This did not help. The Vocilias listened with absorbed faces and Menee was practically mouthing the words with the teacher.

Madame Brasser was a formidable woman with flaming red hair and a large nose. She paced back and forth in front of her pupils, eyes flashing like those of a general addressing her troops. “There are, or were, as you know, five original Elementals. Their names, in their own language, are: Lashloon, the Elemental of water; Minevera, the Elemental of air; Allamani, the Elemental of earth; Scharon, the Elemental of fire; and, of course Werenna, the one called the Garden Queen and mother of the three intelligent races of our world.”

Perhaps, Karenna reflected, the tedium wouldn’t be so pronounced if Brasser didn’t keep saying “as you know.” The students did, in fact, know and did not need or want to hear all of it again.

For a moment, Karenna remembered a different teacher, a boy about ten years old, telling this story as it should be told: All the Elementals save Werenna bred and birthed as they wished, peopling the world with those now called Elementars. The Elemental of the forest, Werenna, grew tired of her companions’ wild offspring. She formed the three flowers from which first came Werebeasts, with their magic to change shape; then Gypsies, with their magic to live in her forests; and finally the Humans—

“Karenna Morn!” Karenna jolted out of her memories. Brasser was frowning, an expression half-hidden by her downward-sloping nose.

“Yes, ma’am,” said Karenna, not meeting the woman’s eyes.

“Perhaps you can tell us what the name of our country, Dirantyr, means in the Elemental tongue? Since you seem to know enough of magical history already to feel confident daydreaming in my class!”

I could tell you the Elemental names for five different kinds of trees, three magical attacks, at least one kind of fire spark, simple levitation, and how to make a white dress red, green, or even purple, thought Karenna. It was amazing what one could hear in a weaver’s shop. And what one could find by sneaking into the restricted library sections. But it would be even stupider to display such knowledge than it would be too hold the eyes of the teacher too long. Still, she was not going to be shamed for letting her attention wander during a lesson that belonged in the nursery.

“Dirantyr translates, roughly, as ‘Ashland’ in the Elemental language. It was given to us by Werenna herself, because we had become Firehearts and in our ambition turned her hopes for us into ash.” She knew she had said too much and too daringly, but she had not slept well and was momentarily tired of hiding.

Brasser’s face turned such a dark shade of red that Karenna thought she would choke. But before the teacher could unleash the full weight of her wrath upon the girl, a shriek echoed off the stone walls. All attention turned to where Shana was suddenly on her feet, dancing the feminine dance of terror at small crawling things. The whole class could see the spider, no larger than a copper coin, swinging from her long blonde hair.

But none save Karenna noticed that the sunlight from the high, narrow windows flashed on the spider’s body, or that, when the offending pest was at last shaken off, Tannar caught it deftly in one hand. A moment later he opened his fingers and a few drops of clear water dripped from his palm to the stone beneath it. The spider was gone.

* * *

Tannar hefted the gleaming broadsword, admiring the polished steel blade that shone like a mirror despite the many scratches and scrapes along its edge. The master of the melee weapons, a retired battle mage as scarred as the sword, smiled at him. “You hold the old girl well, but be careful; that blade and I go way back.” Tannar recognized him as the man who had defended the caravan during the Werewolf attack. He was not quite sure he liked how the old warrior smiled at him.

Around him the others in his unit browsed the large armory admiringly, though no one else dared to touch any of the expensive weapons. There were no spears or bows here—those would be covered later—but Tannar did not mind their absence.

The battle mage, a man named Jataal with his black hair and goatee streaked with white where his scars ran, gestured with one weathered hand around his little kingdom. “Don’t be afraid to touch; about half of you will be soldiers anyway, so you need to get used to handling weapons.” Obern lifted a broadsword almost immediately, handling the weapon with ease.

Jataal smiled again. “I see we have two young men with some interest in the heavier weapons. But you won’t be using those today.”

The teacher arranged the unit into five pairs, then gave each student a weighted wooden broadsword. Tannar glared at the practice weapon. What a dead, unwieldy thing, especially in comparison to the beautiful metal blade he’d held earlier. He glanced across at his opponent—Phara, the skinny, warlike girl. She caught his gaze and snarled. Tannar noticed that she held her practice sword as easily as if it were made of straw.

Jataal briefly demonstrated the most basic methods of attack and defense, and set them drilling. Phara’s attacks were ferocious, her defenses sulky, as if she couldn’t wait for her next turn at being the aggressor. For himself, Tannar chafed at the restrictive forms. Every time they moved through the exercise, he would imagine slipping past the girl’s lazy defense or catching her sword on his and spinning it out of her hand.

To make matters worse, he could see Karenna and Obern out of the corner of his eye. Karenna was clearly nervous with the heavy weapon, Obern clearly confident. He would smile and encourage her when she got it wrong, and she would blush every time he touched her in order to correct her grip or stance.

Tannar felt something jab his side and lashed out before realizing it was just Phara’s attack that had gotten past his distracted defense. Her blow would have barely bruised him. But at his blow, he heard something crack. Phara went down, clutching her left shoulder and screeching curses.

Jataal was at her side in an instant, expertly propping the wound. He rolled his eyes. “Just a bruise, girl,” he said, helping her up.

“I heard it break!” she yelled.

“You’re a Possible Battle Mage, yes? If you plan to do well in your profession, you’ll have to learn to tell the difference between the sound of a bone snapping and the sound of a wooden sword smacking against an unprepared combatant.” He sat her down at the edge of the room and turned to face the rest of the students. All activity had ceased. Tannar was uncomfortably aware that most of them were staring, not at Jataal, but at him.

“You’ve good instincts, lad,” Jataal told Tannar. The battle mage scanned the other students. “Obern, you seem comfortable with the broadsword. As drilling it yourselves does not seem to be working,” he gave a wry glance towards Phara, “I’d like you all to watch these two. Just work your way through the basic forms, lads, nothing fancy or advanced.”

Tannar let a diabolic grin spread across his face as Obern took up a basic defensive stance in the middle of the room. The rest of the students had migrated to the edges, whispering excitedly amongst themselves. Karenna shot Tannar a sharp look, but he ignored her. Tannar twirled the sword in one hand and brought it around to hover unmoving only a few feet away from Obern’s.

With almost mocking slowness, Tannar brought his weapon around in the first form of attack they’d been taught. Obern blocked it with an equally elementary move. Jataal explained the exercise, this time free to point and gesture rather than demonstrate himself, and bade the two young men do it again. Tannar obliged, but moved just a little bit faster and placed his blade just a little bit closer to Obern’s heart than before. This time there was a harsh clack when the blades met and the battle mage shot Tannar a look. He couldn’t tell if it was warning or approving. They advanced thus through the first exercises, and Jataal wrapped up the lesson.

Before he could dismiss his students to their next class, however, Tannar said, “What better way for us to understand the danger and difficulties of real combat than by giving a sample of it?”

Jataal hesitated at this, but the unit latched onto the idea and clamored to see a real match. Obern said, “I’m sure, master, that with your experience and abilities you will not let it get out of hand, even if I or my classmate should wish to let it progress so. Besides, they are just wooden swords”

The teacher gave in a little faster than Tannar had anticipated. He nodded, a knowing look in his eyes that Tannar was not quite comfortable with. Obern and Tannar faced each other across the now-widened circle of spectators, the unit hushed and waiting. He could see the twins wavering between disapproval and eagerness, and could just as clearly see that Karenna had landed on the former side. He winked at her and her frown deepened.

And then Obern came at him, faster than he had expected, and he blocked the sweep instinctively. Tannar fell into defensive posture. As he did so he realized that Obern had wanted this chance to show him up almost as much as Tannar had. Too bad for Obern.

Tannar didn’t want to make his win look too easy, especially not with a trained warrior watching, so he let the other boy nearly catch him on the shoulder once or twice, and faltered unnecessarily in his attacks. Obern was good, better than Tannar had given him credit for, and so he almost felt a little sorry when he finally slipped past his opponent’s guard to rest the dull tip of his weapon lightly against the other’s collar-bone. It would be hard for Obern to understand where he had gone wrong in his almost-perfect form. Tannar said, out of a burst of half-malicious pity, “Good match, but I noticed that you move too slowly in the third defensive position.” It wasn’t true, but it made Tannar feel warm inside to know that Obern would practice hours to correct a mistake he hadn’t made.

But for now, Obern only grinned his dazzling grin and shook his opponent by the hand. He then turned and winked at Karenna, still grinning, but left with the blonde wench Shana on his arm instead. Tannar looked on as Karenna watched them go, and felt a small, a very small, stab of guilt that he might have ruined her chances with the handsome youth.

* * *

Late in the afternoon, Karenna and her unit stood outdoors in a line, facing a row of round, straw-stuffed targets. Each student had a bow in their hands and a quiver full of arrows slung across their backs. Only Shana, Tannar, and herself had professional bows—hers had been a going-away present from her adopted parents. Everyone else was using the Academé’s worn equipment. The archery instructor, a pleasant old man called Olasso, walked up and down behind them, patting the odd shoulder with a leathery hand.

“Now, no worries, sallahs,” he said, his voice creaking like a familiar old door. Both his accent and his dark skin proclaimed his homeland to be Simaron, that half-island, half-desert kingdom of humans across the ocean. “We just want to know how well you can shoot already. No worries, sallahs, no worries; no one will be formally grading you on this.”

As Karenna drew her bowstring back, she decided that Olasso must have kept his job, not because he was particularly good at it, but because no one could muster the heart to let the sweet old man go. The bow felt good in her hands, solid and new. And even while Shana’s bow was obviously more expensive, it was Karenna’s arrow that hit closest to the center.

Tannar and Shana also shot well, and everyone but the twins managed to at least hit the misshapen lumps of cloth-covered hay. Laroo’s arrow stuck into a nearby tree trunk, but Menee’s shot off into the deep green shadows of the Gypsies’ Forest. The unit stared uneasily at the place where it had disappeared. None of them had been happy about the fact that the shooting range was so close to the menacing woods. After a moment they heard something big shift in the depths.

“No worries, sallahs, no worries,” said Olasso, tottering up and down the line and constantly patting shoulders. “All sorts of strange noises come from the Forest, no worries.”

* * *

Inside the Gypsies’ Forest, Boom rolled over and felt something snap underneath him. He reached down and pulled a broken arrow from where he had rolled onto it. He examined it carefully, bringing it close to his face.

Finally, he mumbled to himself, “Somebody has lost an arrow.”

Holding the two halves delicately in one massive fist, he stood. The sun was dipping low on the far horizon, and for a moment or two Boom just watched it happily, forgetting about the broken projectile in his hand. Then, moving with slow, ground-shaking steps, he walked towards the Academé.


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Mon Jul 21, 2008 12:35 am
RowanHowler wrote a review...



Hello,

Good job on the story so far! I do so love the characters and the focus you put on them. The plot is not at all clear yet, but hopefully you will give it more direction in the next few chapters.

"dancing the feminine dance of terror at small crawling things"- I'd change one of these "dance"'s

I love how Tanner is such a reluctant friend and helps Karenna in so many small ways.

but it made Tannar feel warm inside to know that Obern would practice hours to correct a mistake he hadn’t made.- lol. I think you've done a greta job making Tanner a little malicious. He seems more human, but still generally good, or at least not evil.

I felt like the God's names and the lesson about Gods was a bit difficult to understand and remember all at once. maybe spacing it out a little and adding more description would help.




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Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:06 am
gyrfalcon says...



Ah! *is swamped by absolutely awesome critiques!* I loooove you guys! *uber hugs* :D You have no idea how encouraging you've all been, I can't believe how many amazing editors have taken the time to review this story. As I'm shooting (ever so slowly) for publication, that means more to me than you can imagine.

I've edited, and I'm especially excited to see what you all think of the (hopefully) improved fight between Tannar and Obern.

Also: the next chapter is up!




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Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:04 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Madame Lokskrip, a formidable woman with flaming red hair and rather too-large a nose, paced back and forth in front of her pupils, eyes flashing like those of a general addressing her troops.


It’s not majorly important, but “Lokskrip” sounds a bit like you threw it together on the spot. Plus, it’s difficult to say out loud (yes, I did spend time trying to pronounce it aloud).


How the Elemental of the forest, Werenna, tired of her companions’ wild offspring, had formed the three flowers from which came, in order, Werebeasts—to whom she gave her name and the magic to change


Cool about the Werenna/were beast thing. ^_^


“Karenna Morn!” Karenna jolted out of memory.


“Her” memory might make it flow a bit better.


Lokskrip was frowning, a very large frown that was half-hidden by her downward-sloping nose.


That comma is annoying. I get how this sentence should run, but that comma seems to say that it can go another way as well. Like, “Lokskrip was frowning a very large frown…” and that doesn’t sound quite right. Your way, it sounds right but it doesn’t look right. Savvy?


Still, she was not going to be shamed for letting her attention wander during a lesson that belonged in nurseries.


This might go better as, “… during a lesson that belonged in the nursery.”


But before the teacher could unleash the full weight of her wrath upon the girl, a shriek directed all attention to where Shana was suddenly on her feet, dancing the dance of terror at small crawling things that all women, no matter how strong, experience at one point or another.


While this made me smirk, it’s like your comment in the previous chapter. It’s patronizing. “This is how all humans behave and I shall tell you exactly how and why they act thisly and thusly…”



The whole class could see the spider, no larger than a copper coin, swinging from her long blonde hair by a strand as Shana screeched.


The end doesn’t fit with the beginning. It was trundling along smoothly until you got to the “by a strand as Shana screeched.” That brought it up short. Like, to use the phrase, someone who’d been picking daises by the railway line and got the daily express in the small of their back.


(It is at this point that I run around screaming in joy and hand out knighthoods to everyone who put together Microsoft Works Word Processor)


The master of the melee weapons, a retired battle mage as scarred as the sword, smiled at him.


Of the what weapons? Melee OF weapons?


Around him the others in his unit browsed the large armory admiringly, though no one else dared to touch any of the expensive weapons.


This could be a Yank/Brit thing, but isn’t that spelt “armoury”?


He knew that his own weapon far exceeded these simple creations of metal and wood, but it gave him a kind of faint hope that perhaps humans in general were not so hopeless as they seemed.


Hopeless = helpless?


The battle mage, a man named Jataal with his black hair and goatee streaked with white where his scars ran, gestured with one weathered hand around his little kingdom. “Don’t be afraid to touch; about half of you will be soldiers anyway, you need to get used to handling weapons.”


I know it’s dialogue, but it could go better if you put in a word there. “…half of you will be soldiers anyway, so you need to get used to handling weapons.”



Obern lifted a broadsword almost immediately when given permission, and didn’t seem to strain under the weapon’s weight.


Very awkward sentence, this. The bits in bold need some serious reworking.



He saw Karenna, standing near the rapiers, give him a sharp look but he ignored her as well.


This aside somewhat jars.


Obern seemed pleased to be of help to his teacher, and took up a basic defensive stance in the middle of some clear space.


Uber awkward. What clear space?


Obern said, “I’m sure, master, that with your experience and abilities you will not let it get out of hand, even if either I or my classmate should wish to let it progress so.”


Is he meant to sound that [s]pompous[/s] formal?


Tannar watched as Karenna watch them go, and felt a small, a very small, stab of guilt that he might have ruined her chances with the handsome youth.


How? Karenna didn’t do anything. :? Too many watches, and the second watch is wrong, anyway.


“Now, no worries, sallahs,” he said, his voice creaking like a familiar old door. Both his accent and his dark skin proclaimed his homeland to be Simaron, that half-island, half-desert kingdom of humans across the ocean. “We just want to know how well you can shoot already. No worries, sallahs, no worries; no one will be formally grading you on this.”


Cool background to the teacher. “Sallah” reminds me of “sahib” or something along those lines. (Not Indiana Jones, no, not at all. :wink: )



“No worries, sallahs, no worries,” said Olasso, tottering up and down the line and constantly patting shoulders. “All sorts of strange noises come from the Forest, no worries.”


I like him. :)


Inside the Gypsies’ Forest, Boom rolled over and felt something snap underneath him.


This could be a little abrupt as an introduction... I don't know, maybe it's fine, but maybe you should build up to it a little more gradually? Like describing him vaguely before you tell us his name and all.


Finally, he mumbled to himself, “Somebody has lost an arrow.”


Condo moment here... The dialogue is too stiff, and would he say something like that aloud?


The sun was dipping low on the far horizon, and for a moment or two Boom just watched it happily, forgetting about the broken projectile in his hand. Then, moving with slow, ground-shaking steps, he walked towards the Academé.


The bit about the sunset is a really cool way of showing us his character (uh, would that be "cool bit of characterization in shorthand?) and neat way to end, too. :D


--

As ever, loved it. :D




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Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:00 pm
lyrical_sunshine wrote a review...



gyrfalcon wrote:Chapter Three

“Elementals are, as you know, the source and the beginning of magic in our world.” Karenna sat with her head in her hands, listening in bored dismay to lessons every student in the room had learned when they were four. She was sandwiched between the twins behind a large table made of—what else?—stone, and this did not help. (Try this: "...behind a large table made of - what else? - stone. This did not help." It's more succint and easier to read.) The Vocilias listened with absorbed faces and Menee was practically mouthing the words with the teacher.

Madame Lokskrip, a formidable woman with flaming red hair and rather [s]too-[/s]large (the 'too' isn't necessary) a nose, paced back and forth in front of her pupils, eyes flashing like those of a general addressing her troops. “There are, or were, as you know, five original Elementals: Lashloon, the Elemental of water; Minevera, the Elemental of air; Allamani, the Elemental of earth; Scharon, the Elemental of fire; and, of course Werenna, the one called the Garden or Life Queen and mother of the three intelligent races of our world.” (I'm sorry, but...Life Queen? *slight wince* It's a little much. Personally, I think "the Garden" is perfect standing alone.)

Perhaps, Karenna reflected, the tedium wouldn’t be so pronounced if Lokskrip didn’t keep saying “as you know,” driving home the fact that they did, in fact, know and did not need or want to hear all of it again.

For a moment, Karenna seemed to remember a different teacher, a boy about ten years old, telling this story as it should be told. (I feel like this period should be a hyphen or a colon...but that's just a suggestion.) How all the Elementals save Werenna bred and birthed as they wished, peopling the world with those now called Elementars. How the Elemental of the forest, Werenna, tired of her companions’ wild offspring, had formed the three flowers from which came, in order, Werebeasts—to whom she gave her name and the magic to change; Gypsies—to whom she gave her form, her love, and the magic to live in her forests; and then the Humans— (Hmm...this whole sentence is very long and rather difficult to read, which is a shame because it's so IMPORTANT. You might want to try making it a little more succint.)

“Karenna Morn!” Karenna jolted out of memory. Lokskrip was frowning, a very large frown that was half-hidden by her downward-sloping nose.

“Yes, ma’am,” said Karenna, not meeting the woman’s eyes.

“Perhaps you can tell us what the name of our country, Dirantyr, means in the Elemental tongue? Since you seem to know enough of magical history already to feel confident daydreaming in my class!”

I could tell you the Elemental names for five different kinds of trees, three magical attacks, at least one kind of fire spark, simple levitation, and how to make a white dress red, green, or even purple, thought Karenna. [s]She could, too;[/s] (That part's not really necessary - we believe her, lol.) it was amazing what one could hear in a weaver’s shop. And what one could find by sneaking into the restricted library sections. But it would be stupider to display such knowledge than to hold the eyes of the teacher too long. (This is a little confusing...did you mean, "It would be even stupider to display such knowledge than it would be too hold the eyes of the teacher too long"?) Still, she was not going to be shamed for letting her attention wander during a lesson that belonged in nurseries.

“Dirantyr translates, roughly, as ‘Ashland’ in the Elemental language. It was given to us by Werenna herself, because we had become Firehearts and our ambition had turned, if not the actual forests into actual ash, than the Garden Queen’s hopes for us into no more than chaff in the wind.” (Okay...that was a very long, rather headache-inducing sentence. Can you break it up just a little?) She knew she had said too much and too daringly, but she had not slept well and was, momentarily, tired of hiding. (I could be wrong but I don't think 'momentarily' needs to be framed with commas.)

Lokskrip’s face turned such a dark shade of red that Karenna thought she would choke. But before the teacher could unleash the full weight of her wrath upon the girl, a shriek directed all attention to where Shana was suddenly on her feet, dancing the dance of terror at small crawling things that all women, no matter how strong, experience at one point or another. (Awkward sentence. Maybe: "A shriek directed all attention to where Shana was suddenly on her feet, dancing the terrified dance of a woman who has spotted small, crawling things." Bad example, but you understand what I mean. It's a little hard to read as it is.) The whole class could see the spider, no larger than a copper coin, swinging from her long blonde hair by a strand as Shana screeched.

But none save Karenna noticed that the sunlight from the high, narrow windows flashed on the spider’s body, or that, when the offending pest was at last shaken off, Tannar caught it deftly in one hand. A moment later he opened his hand (palm? 'hand' is slightly redundant) and a few drops of clear water dripped from his palm to the stone beneath it. The spider was gone.

(Oooh, I LOVE this kid. *sniggers*)
* * *

Tannar hefted the gleaming broadsword, admiring the polished steel blade that shone like a mirror despite the many scratches and scrapes along its edge. The master of the melee weapons, a retired battle mage as scarred as the sword, smiled at him. “You hold the old girl well, but be careful; that blade and I go way back.” Tannar recognized him as the man who had defended the caravan during the Werewolf attack. He was not quite sure he liked how the old warrior smiled at him.

Around him the others in his unit browsed the large armory admiringly, though no one else dared to touch any of the expensive weapons. There were no spears or bows here—those would be covered later—but Tannar did not mind their absence. He knew that his own weapon far exceeded these simple creations of metal and wood, but it gave him a kind of faint hope that perhaps humans in general were not so hopeless as they seemed.

The battle mage, a man named Jataal with his black hair and goatee streaked with white where his scars ran, gestured with one weathered hand around his little kingdom. “Don’t be afraid to touch; about half of you will be soldiers anyway, you need to get used to handling weapons.” Obern lifted a broadsword almost immediately when given permission, and didn’t seem to strain under the weapon’s weight.

Jataal smiled again. “I see we have two young men with some interest in the heavier weapons. Do you think you two could give the unit a little demonstration of some basic techniques? I’ll be here to instruct, correct, and protect if need be.”

Tannar let a diabolic grin spread across his face, ignoring Jataal’s knowing glances towards him. (Oh, this could be bad...) He saw Karenna, standing near the rapiers, give him a sharp look (comma here) but he ignored her as well. Obern seemed pleased to [s]be of[/s] help to his teacher, and took up a basic defensive stance in the middle of [s]some clear space[/s] (the room). Tannar twirled the sword in one hand and brought it around to hover unmoving only a few feet away from Obern’s. “Just a friendly match, no advanced or fast moves, boys,” said Jataal, and Tannar knew the man had seen the eagerness in his stance.

With almost mocking slowness, Tannar brought his weapon around in the first form of attack any broadsword fighter was taught. Obern blocked it with an equally elementary move. Jataal explained the exercise and bade them do it again. Tannar obliged, but moved just a little bit faster and placed his blade just a little bit closer to Obern’s heart than before. This time there was a faint ping when the blades met and the battle mage shot Tannar a look. He couldn’t tell if it was warning or approving. They advanced thus through the first exercises [s]in broadsword combat[/s], and Jataal wrapped up the lesson.

Before he could dismiss his students to their next class, however, Tannar said, “What better way for us to understand the danger and difficulties of real combat than by giving a sample of it?”

Jataal hesitated at this, but the unit latched onto the idea and clamored to see a real match. Obern said, “I’m sure, master, that with your experience and abilities you will not let it get out of hand, even if [s]either [/s]I or my classmate should wish to let it progress so.” (Oh dear...)

The teacher gave in a little faster than Tannar had anticipated[s],[/s] (period.) (He) murmured a simple spell and touched each weapon in turn, guarding it and dulling its edge so it would do no more than bruise. Obern and Tannar faced each other across the now-widened circle of spectators, the unit hushed and waiting. He could see the twins wavering between disapproval and eagerness, and could just as clearly see that Karenna had landed on the former side. He winked at her and her frown deepened.

And then Obern came at him, faster than he had expected, and he blocked the sweep instinctively. Tannar fell into defensive posture almost without thinking [s]about it[/s], and realized as he did so that Obern had wanted this chance to show him up almost as much as Tannar had. Too bad for Obern, [s]then[/s].

Tannar didn’t want to make his win look too easy, especially not with a trained warrior watching, so he let the other boy nearly catch him on the shoulder once or twice, and faltered unnecessarily in his attacks. Obern was good, better than Tannar had given him credit for, and so he almost felt a little sorry when he finally slipped past his opponent’s guard to rest the dulled tip of his weapon lightly against the other’s collar-bone. It would be, [s]he knew,[/s] hard for Obern to understand where he had gone wrong in his almost-perfect form, so Tannar said, out of a burst of half-malicious pity, “Good match, but I noticed that you move too slowly in the third defensive position.” It wasn’t true, but it made Tannar feel warm inside to know that Obern would practice hours to correct a mistake he hadn’t really made.

But for now, Obern only grinned his dazzling grin and shook his opponent by the hand. He then turned and winked at Karenna, still grinning, but left with the blonde wench Shana on his arm instead. Tannar [s]watched as[/s] (saw) Karenna watch(ing) them go, and felt a small, a very small, stab of guilt that he might have ruined her chances [s]with the handsome youth[/s].

* * *

Late in the afternoon, Karenna and her unit stood outdoors in a line, facing a row of round, straw-stuffed targets. Each student had a bow in their hands and a quiver full of arrows slung across their backs. Only Shana, Tannar, and herself had professional bows—hers had been a going- (what?) away present from her adopted parents. (That sentence didn't make sense.) Everyone else was using the Academé’s worn equipment. The archery instructor, a pleasant old man called Olasso, walked up and down behind them, patting the odd shoulder with a leathery hand.

“Now, no worries, sallahs,” he said, his voice creaking like a familiar old door. Both his accent and his dark skin proclaimed his homeland to be Simaron, that half-island, half-desert kingdom of humans across the ocean. “We just want to know how well you can shoot already. No worries, sallahs, no worries; no one will be formally grading you on this.”

As Karenna drew her bowstring back, she decided that Olasso must have kept his job, not because he was particularly good at it, but because no one could muster the heart to let the sweet old man go. The bow felt good in her hands, solid and new if not of the same expensive stock that Shana now drew. Still, it was Karenna’s arrow that hit closest to the center.

Tannar and Shana also shot well, and everyone but the twins managed to at least hit the misshapen lumps of cloth-covered hay. Laroo’s arrow stuck into a nearby tree trunk, but Menee’s shot off into the deep green shadows of the Gypsies’ Forest. The unit stared uneasily at (the place) where it had disappeared; none of them had been happy about the fact that the shooting range was so close to the menacing woods. After a moment they heard something big shift in the depths.

“No worries, sallahs, no worries,” said Olasso, tottering up and down the line and constantly patting shoulders. “All sorts of strange noises come from the Forest, no worries.”

* * *

Inside the Gypsies’ Forest, Boom rolled over and felt something snap underneath him. He reached down and pulled a broken arrow from where he had rolled onto it. He examined it carefully, bringing it close to his face.

Finally, he mumbled to himself, “Somebody has lost an arrow.”

Holding the two halves delicately in one massive fist, he stood. The sun was dipping low on the far horizon, and for a moment or two Boom just watched it happily, forgetting about the broken projectile in his hand. Then, moving with slow, ground-shaking steps, he walked towards the Academé.


Oooh, exciting. I can't wait for more.

The main problem I noticed in this chapter was the length of the sentences. You have a tendency to be quite wordy - which isn't necessarily bad - but it makes it more difficult to read. Short sentences do not sound stupid or corny; actually, they can be very effective. Make sure you mix up your complex sentence structures with some simple sentences to keep your readers from hurting their heads. :D I know its hard - I do the same thing.

Anyway, I loved this chapter - especially the spider scene. I think I'm developing a small crush on Tannar - I hope you don't mind. :D




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Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:13 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



Tannar watched as Karenna watch them go, and felt a small, a very small, stab of guilt that he might have ruined her chances with the handsome youth.


Even should you wish to keep the repetitive, second 'watch' it needs to be 'watched'. But you should change it anyway.

Again, you know, its just the little things that all texts seem to have. I agree with Sam about the duel, it happens way too soon, you should build it up more with lessons and such (the two would stand out from the rest) and culminate with them battling it out in a bit more of a protracted battle.

Just a caution word about Tannar's seeming invincibility - it gets annoying, real quick. Find a flaw, a weakness, or show us someone stronger - perferably beating him XD. Cruel, but necessary.

I like Boom! This is as far as I remember of the last time you put up Gypsie Eyes, so the next chapter will definetly be interesting.




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Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:28 am
sylverdawn wrote a review...



The first day of classes was really well done. I enjoyed how you made the personalities of the three different teachers clash. Lokskrip for example seems like the type who enjoys humiliating the talented kids. While I get the feeling Jataal will pay special attention to the children particularly talented with weapons, it seems like he respects physical strength more then book learning. And Olasso seems like he couldn't bear to hurt anyone, he doesn't seem to be cut out as a teacher.

I like how you moved from one class to the next before introducing Boom at the end. Although maybe you should make Olasso's nationality more evident instead of just mentioning it in passing.

I like how you contrast the students as well. You've got Tannar, who acts more like a rebel then a talented mage, although I'm beginning to suspect that Tannar isn't human, at least not entirely. I'm also wondering about his connection with Avarn. The twins seem interesting as well. They seem like they stick together through thick and thin. I'm guessing they're going to have emotional issues being younger then everyone at the academy and a let down to their family.

Looking forward to reading more, I'd like to see how the children react when they meet Boom. Although maybe you should have mentioned what he was.




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Wed Jun 25, 2008 3:47 am
Sam wrote a review...



Hey, Gyr! I'm kind of scatterbrained at the moment, so forgive me if I make less sense than usual. :wink:

Yay! More Tannar/Karenna goodness. Karenna is probably one of my favorite "rebel" characters; she's kind of quiet, but she's got a kind of prickly side to her that's a lot of fun to see. I'm still waiting to see the gypsie connection, but hopefully that's coming up soon. ^_^

NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

Your Tannar/Obern duel seemed to happen a bit too quickly for me--didn't a similar thing happen in Harry Potter? Anyhow, since it's their first week of school, it seemed a bit odd that Jataal would simply let them pick up weapons and go. Granted, I'm pretty sure there aren't as many class action lawsuits going on in Dirantyr, but the whole "let them figure it out, fleshwounds or no" character of these people hasn't been fully explained yet. Thus, it's a bit sudden.

How to fix this? Allow a bit more instruction time and a, "We've got this!" epiphany before you let them go at it. Two cute boys + swords = happy Sam, but only if it happens in a fashion that makes chronological sense.

THE CASE OF THE SUDDENLY MATERIALIZING CHARACTERS

Granted, it's been two days and two bouts of anesthesia since I read the first two chapters, but I honestly don't remember anything about a character called Boom. If he existed, he obviously wasn't a biggie like Tannar or Karenna, so if you wanted us to remember him to chapter three, you have to make him as memorable and distinctive as possible.

If he's a new person, you have to remember your position in third person. Mainly, you've been following Tannar and Karenna around with the Gyr Cam, so the switch to a completely new character throws us off a bit. Can you leave this part out, or is there another way you can segue into a new character? The easiest cop-out would be to put a tag at the beginning of the section--Gypsie Forest, etc. But that's cheap. Do some pondering, but you can put that if you absolutely must. :wink:

L IS FOR LINGUISTIC POSSIBILITY

This is something you can do if you have some time left over while you're editing and something that most readers won't notice, but as a linguistics nerd, I look at languages as patterns--it's a lot easier to pick things up in immersion and guess what they mean if I hear them in context.

That's why a lot of fantasy fiction is really confusing to me. The writers haven't thought a lot about their language beyond "it sounds cool", so I have a really hard time memorizing any of the names or terms. If you think about it, all language builds upon itself. All languages have root words and compounds--German and Pawnee are obnoxious for this. So is written Japanese. [If your computer doesn't have a Japanese plug in, just imagine the first character as "a" and the rest as other variables.]

本- book
本当 - truth
本物 - true thing, actuality
(日) 本語 - Japanese

So, if you have 'book', how do the characters for 'book + target' = truth? Easy. You can think of it as "on target in a book" -- something that's true. Same with "true thing", which includes the character for 'book' and 'thing'. It's a thing found in books.

But what about 'Japanese'-- sun + book + language? If you disregard 'sun', you get 'the language found in books'. Makes sense, especially if you live in Japan.

So, what was the meaning of this mini-lesson? Have your language build on itself so it's easy for 外人 like us to figure it out. The names of your gods were especially confusing--"Lashloon" sounds Persian to me, but "Ginevera" sounds Gaelic. If you think about Hindi gods (Vishnu, Shiva, Loki, Lakshmi, etc) you can tell that they're all Hindu, as opposed to Hebrew prophets (Ezekiel, Micah, Jesus, etc). Making a language that your readers can dissect and pore over will make it a lot more cohesive and fun reading experience.

__

Thanks for the read, Gyr! If you have any questions or put the next part up, you know the drill. :wink:





Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.
— Robert Brault