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I read this and was a little perplexed, sorry, but the elvish (whether its Tolkien based or not) seems rather out of place. Even with the forbidden aspect, it seems ...

Couple notes... why all the needless telling? Unless this is a narrative piece it is overly dramatic and written like an epic poem, but clearly doesn't follow typical form. A ...

Squallz hit upon the FFXIII trailer note... its like... word for word to action of the trailer. Most people cannot jump and spin in the air, let alone upside-down. That ...

Not to be picky, but can you please prepare a .odt (Free Openoffice document form). I have trouble importing docs into my generic Microsoft Word Processor (its not Word). The ...

Yes it is better, still moving too quick. It takes much longer to write then it does to read, so always read it yourself with a fresh perspective. Much better. ...

I do not get the line structure. It has no form or meaning to it, but yet you space them with some unknown measure. While the poem itself is nice, ...

Very detailed and nice, but you've opened up a lot of boringness in life, it seems like a lot of the words are there just to be there and not ...

Interesting beginning, spacing would be a big plus. We really don't get an idea of the character and the use of 'I' and 'my neighborhood' is really a poor choice ...

Interesting beginning indeed. However the dream beginning doesn't work well, too cliche and some of the dialog irked me, but otherwise this is interesting and pretty good. I just wish ...

Light is definitely smarter then you make him out to be. He knew immediately when L was first suspicious. L knew all along, but could not prove it. That was ...

Chapter 1 The Coming Sota was sitting on his bed studying. > Weak opening. Never use the name to open. >> Description of the room (the setting) comes prior to ...

If this is the new still lacks everything and ios not really a chapter or an introduction. It doesn't even catch the readers interest. Always telling vague oddities that anyone ...

Unrealistic and a bit awkward. Wrong names and very stale. Not getting the warcraft reference or any in jokes, I think that this is rather...plain. The story flows pretty well ...

Interesting, but still too fast paced for me. You really neglected Edea's appearance the significant role of Caraway in this chapter. Once again Tylor stole the spotlight and cast negative ...

A bit awkward and Tylor is becoming increasingly suspicious. To the point of that everyone is screaming, "Who or what is Tylor?" These things, especially to Quistis would have quickly ...