Chapter 1. No title yet.

Hey Slinds!

Well, to be honest, this wasn't very interesting. Don't take it the wrong way; it was good. It's just that for the whole middle of your chapter, every freaking sentence started with She.

She did this. She did that. She took the popcorn out of the microwave.

As someone up there said, the whole part about her taking a shower was WAYY too listy. It seemed like we were reading a list. Throw something else in there. Make it interesting.

You do have a way with dialouge. I'll give you that. The phone call that Craig made was very real, and it sounded just like a guy that age.

So, if I were you, I would take out most of the she's. Maybe replace it like this,

Quickly, she did this. Turning around, she did that. Anna took the popcorn out of the microwave.

See? That sounds much better.

Keep going, Slinds! I'm off to read chapter two! Sorry if this was a bit harsh! PM me with any questions or comments!

BBB

Lindsay, my friend! *hugs* Let's see what you have here.

Right off the bat, the first paragraph has a serious repetition issue. Lol, I think Rieda caught it. However, to make some suggestions as to fix it, you can easily combine sentences like these here:

She shoved her hands into her jean pockets and continued a struggling walk home. She concentrated on her white sneakers and the cracks in the concrete on her way home.

...brown bin, in the middle of the street.

She heard a quiet beep and turned back and looked at her bedroom door.

She walked over and turned the handle and opened the door.

...and the once-muffled beep was now louder...

She pressed the one on it and heard the robotic voice that irritated her so much [s]playing[/s].

[s]Then[/s] the female voice changed to a deeper voice.

...but I think you’re over reacting.

You have no new messages.” The voice rang out.

They were made up of a pink tank top and baggy bottoms that matched, with little penguins on them.

Anna pulled off her black top and tossed it in the corner and then hopped out of her jeans that were a size too big.

She [s]was[/s] repeated a pattern of lines with her fingers as if in a trance.

Once it was, she pulled the tap...

She reached down and around the beam of ice and shut the water off.

She got really freaked out from the men’s eyes watching her, though, so she stopped putting them up.

Once she walked out of her room, she walked into the kitchen for something to eat.

She opened the door of the microwave, [s]and[/s] stuck the pack in there, and hit ‘popcorn’.

...loud alarm of the popcorn being done yelling at her...

forget what was where, but her body wouldn’t let her

Her hand pulled the handle open and the strong aroma of butter filled her nostrils [s]and she held it there[/s].

She took two fingers, [s]and pinched[/s] pinching the end of the bag, [s]and[/s] swung it around, and dropped it on the counter.

It [s]burnt[/s] would burn her hand if she held it for too long.

She opened the cabinet above her head, [s]and[/s] pulled out a large metal bowl, and poured the freshly popped kernels into the bowl.

Some cartoon about a laughing sponge was on...

“The winds are pretty strong tonight, so we strongly suggest you bring your trashcans and anything else hanging around inside unless you want it blown away.”

“Oh yeah, now you tell me.” Anna said and changed it to channel seven.

“There’s been a missing persons report filed today for a twenty three-year-old male. He hasn’t been at work for two days and the police have checked out his house. It looks like it’s been untouched for days.”

“Now let’s look at that clip again of what Detective Hansen had to say.”

She pulled a bag out of the drawer. It was one of those bit zip lock bags and she poured the popcorn in there. Then she set it on the counter.

She turned on her radio, and the rock music she still liked to listen to, played.

[s]But then[/s] she tossed this idea around and let her mind wander, [s]but[/s] still [s]watched[/s] watching the wall.

Very detailed and nice, but you've opened up a lot of boringness in life, it seems like a lot of the words are there just to be there and not really add anything to the mundane life and boring aspects of this girl. You have too much description that has very little relation to the character or the growth of the story. For some reason I don't think that most of what we sees has any real affect aside from her habits and the relationship with her ex. So much was said, but it can be described the same way as so little.

Not to be cruel, but I felt insulted you spell everything out and leave nothing up to imagination. Your sentence lacks emotion and something that brings the character out, this is like we are watching a play by play on TV of a characters movements, emotion is lost for complete detail and step by step actions. The detailed crit was in depth yes, but it just seems as if the technique used to write this is not on a level to describe the story and keep reader attention.

I doubt you meant it to be like this, but it is long winded and insulting to the reader to have to be treated like a baby for day to day trivialities.

This is a really great story. There's not a lot of details on Anna and Craig as of yet, so in Chapter 2, there should be little more details about them,. And, also, there should be more on a plot, and setting. Otherwise, it's a really nice story. Keep up the great work. I'm excited for another Chapter. Keep me updated on Chap 2.

Love ya

Rick

Lindsaroo wrote:
Cold winds attacked her in all directions as she made a slow attempt to get home. Her long, brown hair whipped around and hit her face. She wished that she had something to tie her hair up with, but she hadn’t thought about the late night winds when she left her house around 3:00pm. Annabelle stopped in her tracks. She mentally slapped herself in the face and reached her hands behind her head. She pulled her black hood of her sweatshirt over her head and stuffed her hair in. She shoved her hands into her jean pockets and continued a struggling walk home. She concentrated on her white sneakers and the cracks in the concrete on her way home. She noted every stick and rock that lay to the side or on the sidewalk. She liked to know where things were all the time. It was almost like an OCD she couldn’t control. She just liked to call herself weird and move on.

**When you say she made a slow attempt it makes it sound like she's moving really slow on purpose instead of it being the winds' fault. Replace slow with a word for her actual effort. Also, mentioning her name after you've already said "she" a lot makes it seem like you've started talking about someone else. After that you kind of just list things. Try not to start off every sentence with she and add some variety. Just say what she sees and what happens. Like, her surroundings not what her eyes are looking at just that second. And OCD is uncontrollable anyways so you don't have to say that it was something that she couldn't control. Just say, "It was almost like having OCD." I like your last sentence. Lol, I can relate.

She got to her house and looked around. The trashcan was missing. She looked around and noticed the plastic, brown bin, in the middle of the street. She jogged over to it and sighed as her eyes came to see what had happened. It had tire marks on it and it was mangled up. She shook her head and grabbed the handle to hoist it up. The winds hadn’t died down and it took a lot of work to get the bin back to the sidewalk. Anna pulled it up to the garage and flipped open the cover to the keypad. She pressed hard on the numbers and then pushed enter. The garage door made a loud growl and lifted open slowly.

**The way you started off the chapter made it seem like the harsh wind was important but now it doesn't seem to have a reason. Where did she come from anyways? Why was she walking? Again, try not to start every sentence with "she". And add more detail.

She tossed the can into the junk filled garage and pushed her thumb on the green button by the door that leads into her house to close the garage.
She pulled her keys out and stuck it in the lock then turned it and heard the click. She opened the door and locked it behind her. After that she kicked her shoes off and walked down the hall. She unzipped her jacket and tossed it on a chair. She heard a quiet beep and turned back and looked at her bedroom door. It was closed, just the way she always kept it. She walked over and turned the handle and opened the door. Her answering machine had a red light flashing on it and the once muffled beep was now louder and more annoying. She pressed the one on it and heard the robotic voice that irritated her so much playing.

**"She tossed the can into the junk filled garage and pushed her thumb on the green button by the door that leads into her house to close the garage." This sentence it too long. And you used garage twice. Say things in moderation, you don't need to give a full report of what happened. Ex.
"Tossing the can into the junk filled garage, she quickly pushed the green button to lower the door." ...something like that. Lol, something better than that though..."Her answering machine had a red light flashing on it and the once muffled beep was now louder and more annoying." I didn't get this when I first red it. What was more annoying?

“You have one new message. Message received at 6:32pm.” Then the female voice changed to a deeper voice. A man’s. A man she happened to know a bit too well.

**When you hear this from the answering machine you might want to put it in italics, otherwise it looks like someone is talking to her. I like your last two sentences.

“Hey Anna. It’s Craig. I know you’re still mad at me, but I think you’re taking this too hard. It was only one time, babe. I feel horrible and I promise I won’t ever do it again. You and me were good together and you know it. After four months you would think that this wouldn’t have killed our relationship. I don’t want to sound dumb or nothing, but I think you’re over reacting. Call me back once you get this ok? I love you, baby.” The voice of her ex clicked off. Anna laughed and pressed delete.

**Babe! XD. You're really good with dialogue. Just what a guy would say. lol. You might want to add any necessary pauses though. Usually people don't just run through what they have to say. Mention how he says it? Was his voice shaky? Did he stop to think about what he was going to say? Was some other girl laughing in the background? Could she hear the lie right in his voice? This kind of thing builds good character.

“Message deleted. You have no new messages.” The voice rang out. Anna rubbed her hands over her face and let out a deep breath. She decided to go take a shower then maybe watch the news and go to bed. She yanked open her top drawer. It stuck a lot. She pulled out a pair of underwear and a set of pajamas. They were made up of a pink tank top and baggy bottoms that matched, with little penguins on them. She set the clothes on her bed and walked across her room to her bathroom.

**The most important character to devolp is your main character because this is the one that we're going to be following throughout the whole story. Why does she favor penguin pajamas? What does this say about her personality? How was she feeling at this point and time and what was going through her mind? You have to tell more so that we can relate to her early on.

Anna pulled off her black top and tossed it in the corner and then hopped out of her jeans that were a size too big. She reached back and unsnapped her bra, letting it fall off her shoulders and threw it over with her other clothes. She turned her back to face the big mirror. She looked over at the mirror and looked at the scars that painted a very strong picture on her back. She reached an arm back to finger some of the older scars then traced the tips of her fingers over the newer ones. She was repeated a pattern of lines with her fingers as if in a trance. Over and over again. She blinked and shook her head. She stepped out of her underwear and then walked over to the shower. She pulled the curtain back and stepped inside. She slid the curtain closed after.

**I like the beginning of this paragraph because we're starting to get into action, and you led up to it really well. But you still can't start all these sentences out with "she". Especially when you're starting to reveal important parts to your story. Also, "She was repeated a pattern of lines with her fingers as if in a trance." Doesn't really make any sense. Did you mean: "She traced over the lines wither her fingers as if in a trance."?
"She slid the curtain closed after." You don't need to say 'after'. Add more detail here as well.

Reaching down, she turned the handle passed the halfway mark and water poured from the faucet. Her hand felt the powerful rush of water and waited until it got warm. Once it was she pulled the tap that let a stream of water erupt from the showerhead and fall onto her back. The water got hotter and she stood up straight. It snaked around her hips and hugged her legs and she smiled as the water warmed her body. She leaned her head back so that her hair got wet. She pulled her hair aside and put it over her shoulder. She reached behind and turned the water on hotter. It hit her neck and back. She pulled her shoulders back and stuck her chest out as an immediate reaction. The water felt so good. She didn’t want to leave it. Just wanted to stay there forever with the hot water falling over her.

**This is listy in the beginning. It seems like we're just following her around and checking things off of her agenda, you know? You should be just showing us these things so that we can put ourselves in her place. "Once it was she pulled...." There should be comma after once it was. The ending part seems like a good place to put a metaphor. Why is that she wants to stay in the shower forever? Does she feel relief from her life problems. Really, when you think about it, all we know about her is that she has long brown hair, her boyfriend is trying to get back with her, she's been abused, and she has penguin pajamas. You need to extend on all of that and tell us more about her.

This beautiful moment crashed around her though. An icy chill pierced her skin and swallowed all the warmth that had once been there. She quickly stepped away from it and shivered. She reached down and around the beam of ice and shut the water off.

**I like this. The only really to fix is all the "she's". And don't replace them with her name, or the word 'her'. Try mixing the sentences around from active voice to passive voice or the other way around.

The shower curtain was sliced back open and she yanked a towel from the rack. She draped it over her shoulders and rung the water out of her hair onto the rug. She grabbed both edges of the towel and tightened it around her for warmth. After about three minutes she moved it to wrap across her chest and back and it came down to her hips. She walked out and into her room. She grabbed her pajamas and dropped the towel. She put on her clothes quickly and then lay down on her bed.

**Dude, I totally thought that someone just sliced the curtain open and that she was just about to be murdered... I like how you changed it up a bit and made everything sound sort of dramatic but perhaps reword the sentence so that it isn't so terrifying when you first read it? The end of this is really listy.

She looked at her ceiling. Her hand raised and she outlined all the stains and lines with her finger. She could even point out all the small holes from thumbtacks from when she had her band posters and the hot guy of the week up there. She got really freaked out from the men’s eyes watching her though so she stopped putting them up.

**She had posters on her ceiling? How low is this ceiling where she can just reach up and trace the lines? Also, expand on why she gets freaked out from all the men's eyes watching her? It was really interesting when you mentioned it but I'd like to hear more about it. Is she paranoid?

She rolled over and looked at her clock. It only said 8:17pm. She couldn’t go to bed yet because then she would wake up way too early and mess up her sleeping pattern. She sighed and got up.

**Why is it important that she doesn't mess up her sleeping pattern? What does she have to do in the morning? What's her job? How old is she?

Once she walked out of her room she walked into the kitchen for something to eat. Eating past eight wasn’t supposed to be very good, but she could care less. She opened the cupboard and found some microwave popcorn. She pulled a pack out and peeled off the plastic cover. She opened the door of the microwave and stuck the pack in there and hit ‘popcorn’.

**"Eating past eight wasn't supposed to be very good..." change to: "Eating past eight wasn't exactly the best thing..." or something of that nature, if she doesn' t care less then you need to add that humorous or sarcastic tone to her thougts. Also...is this popcorn scene really necessary? There are some things that you just don't need to look in to. And microwave popcorn is bad for you! It causes cancer! *random*

Anna paced back and forth on the linoleum floor. She started to slowly spin around and she heard the loud alarm of the popcorn being done yelling at her, but it sounded faint and far away. She kept track of all the things that passed her eyes every time that she spun. She just wanted to close her eyes and forget what was where but her body wouldn’t let her. She stopped all at once and wobbled around and almost lost her balance. She looked at the lit up window and the screen that flashed the words ‘Food is ready’. Her hand pulled the handle open and the strong aroma of butter filled her nostrils and she held it there. She took two fingers and pinched the end of the bag and swung it around and dropped it on the counter. It burnt her hand if she held it for too long.

**This seemed rather sudden to me. It was supposed to be an important scene--I'm guessing-- but the way that it was described just made it seem sort of awkward. It would be better to actually show us what she was doing and what thoughts were going through her head when she was doing it. Clearly state thoughts from her own mind when you're looking at her point of view personally like this.

She opened the cabinet above her head and pulled out a large metal bowl and poured the freshly popped kernels into the bowl. She threw away the bag and closed everything up before setting the bowl on the table and turning on the TV. Some cartoon about a laughing sponge was on, but she put on channel two. It was only the weather.

**XD spongebob! Again, listy. I'd like to know what her house actually looks like or what mood it's setting and where her TV is positioned it it etc.

“The winds are pretty strong tonight so we strongly suggest you bring your trashcans and anything else hanging around inside unless you want it blown away.” The woman on the TV said, pointing to some swirl on the map.


“Oh yeah, now you tell me.” Anna said and changed it to channel seven.


“There’s been a missing persons report filed today for a twenty three-year-old male. He hasn’t been at work for two days and the police have checked out his house. It looks like it’s been untouched for days.” The man sitting behind a desk said.

“Now let’s look at that clip again of what Detective Hansen had to say.” A woman sitting next to the man said. The screen switched to a man with grey hair on his upper lip, but not much on his head. Lights of cameras flashed and muffled voices could be heard.

**Reporters are usually really fun people to write dialogue for because they practically all say the same things and sound the same. Describe that animation, it adds more suspense to the story just like reporters do when they report things.

“All that is known is that he’s twenty three, male, has brown hair, brown eyes, and is six feet tall. There’s no other information that we can give out at this time, but once more description is sent to us, we’ll let you know.” And that was all that was shown. That made her think of Craig. Sounded like him too, but he had just called her today, so it couldn’t be.

**Age is usually mentioned first, then race, then gender, then physical description and finally destination. Plus, the person/people that actually gave this description to the reporters isn't always right so the reporter say "Is said to have blah blah blah." or "he was described as." or "most likely he is [insert place here]." Also, it's pretty presumptuous of her to automatically think of Craig when she hears that description. There are far too many people that look like that in the world. Maybe the reporter mentions a specific tatoo or something, or shows one of those sketches of his profile?

She sighed and turned the TV off as a program about car accidents came on. The smell of butter reminded her that she had made popcorn. Now she was wondering why she had made it. She didn’t want to waste it but she wasn’t really hungry. She pulled a bag out of the drawer. It was one of those bit zip lock bags and she poured the popcorn in there. Then she set it on the counter.

**Bit zip lock bags? Still listy. This doesn't seem all that important.

The clock showed 9:35pm. She gave in and walked over to her bedroom. She pulled the sheets back and slipped into her bed. She turned on her radio, and the rock music she still liked to listen to, played. She turned onto her side and looked at the wall. She couldn’t actually see it with the lights off, but she knew it was there. She watched it and expected something to happen. Anything. She thought that, maybe, just maybe, something already was happening and she just couldn’t see it. But then she tossed this idea and let her mind wander, but still watched the wall. Soon enough her eyes closed after much resistance and she fell into a black slumber.

**What is a black slumber exactly? What did she think was going to happen or was already happening specifically? Did she even have an idea? Still, the "she"s must be replaced with other starts. I think that's what makes it sound like a list most of all. Like: "She...and then she...and then she...and then she." you know? Insead of: "She...this made her think of...then...her...it was...suddenly!" Things like that.