Young Writers Society

This is chapter one, right? Well, your entire novel isn't going to be very long at this rate. You could have devoted a whole chapter to the earthlings actually being captured and sent to Second Earth, where they're confronted by scientists (who apparently do their own dirty work on Second Earth! What a surprise!). Another chapter, or a preface, could have been more information about Second Earth, before you launch into the narrative story. You have just jammed two or three chapters into one chapter at the expense of description, feeling and thoughts. I didn't even have a clear idea of the scenery!

There was only once I saw a muscle bound human, and even he was still too weak and was able to be taken back to wherever the scientist take them.

That was very good, suspense-packed piece, with just a bit of criticism:

You used 'Earth' and 'People from earth' too much. Earthlings is good, but there only 3 terms for such a common name can be wearing for the author. How do you characters regard people fmo earth? Inferior? weak? they could make good words for such as these.

Try playing around with sentence structure as well, so as you do not say scientist and I at the start of each sentence. Introduce some names, or move nouns around a bit.

Keep writing

Mark

Ok, so I like your idea. However, you material could do with some tweaking hear or there.

I agree with everyones comments. Except, we could do with some serious back ground inforamtion. Everything just suddenly happens.

Also, for petes sake, it is called veriety! Do not use I and the scientist in the beging of the sentance so much. It gets slightly anoying

As for mechanicle errors, Isee nothing wrong. On the otherhand, I am not the person to ask that.

So, pm me when you edit it and Iwill look at it again.
Aerall, a pretty good peice.

Hello! I decided to return the favor of your critique on my work, so here is my view on it:

Weak is spelled WEAK in this...

I like this story, it caught my curiosity when I first began reading. I just hope that explainations to everthing will come later in the story

I agree that it needs more background thoughts

Vary your nouns some, hearing jet twice in two sentences is a pet peeve. It might just be me, but I don't like having too many of two of the same nouns or verbs within a small space, I pattern or vary mine.

Overall, I really liked it! Thankyou for writing and I hope to see more!

BOM BOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have returned. :D

I have to agree with all previous statements on this. There is so little to go on, we don't really grasp the situation.

I ran to the window, another lab break was going on outside. The scientist were taking people from Earth and bringing them here to Second Earth. The people from Earth were running loose in my neighborhood with frightened expressions on their faces.

This is really choppy. The scientists did this... then they did this... we don't need to know everything the scientists do. Besides, why would the scientists be chasing down the earthlings? Wouldn't they rather be working in the labs and things? I suggest changing them to some sort of police.
We need more thought bubbles. Is it normal for the earthlings to be brought to second earth?

They didn’t look much different than we did, except they look flimsy and week. There was only once I saw a muscle bound human, and even he was still too weak and was able to be taken back to wherever the scientist take them.

Ah... Arian Race sort of thing? If they are this^^^^ much different from eachother, why is the MC taken captive? If she isn't your stereotypical Second Earthling, why did she come out and see? Details please

I looked up to the sky and saw giant jets were flying overhead. People in lab coats and green goggles were climbing off the tall jets. While some scientist were already on the ground and handcuffing the earthlings, the others were chasing them. Once the earthlings were handcuffed the scientists made them sit on the ground.

This sounds like 'This is Jane. See Jane run.' writing. Read it out loud to yourself, and combine the sentences.

Where did they go?” I asked myself, hoping for an answer to pop up in my head.

Why does she care?

Then as I turned around to go back inside, a scientist grabbed my hand and cuffed me. Oh no. They thought I was a human from Earth! I froze and tried to calm myself down. The scientist was drawing a red circle around me.

Again, we need more details and background on this character. Why did they take her?

One woman had an extra arm that was beginning to grow out of her back. She looked over to me and screamed in pain. I looked away from the woman and back at the emotionless scientist above me

The flow is off. You can combine these ideas better

Overall, it was a little too vague and not enough background/ thoughts. We know nothing about your MC, except that she is from Second Earth. Build up to this point, or use it as a flash back
If you have questions, PM me :D:D:D

i dont want to discourage you but you need alot more description. what does the nieghborhood look like? What is the weather? is the sky red because of a high methane content in the atmosphere? do the jets look like modern day jets or are they more advanced? what is the atmoshpere in the lab? is there harsh lighting? sharp smells?

Interesting beginning, spacing would be a big plus. We really don't get an idea of the character and the use of 'I' and 'my neighborhood' is really a poor choice for most. First person just doesn't suit this kind of fantasy it seems.

Just my two cents.

Like SeraphTree said, please space out your paragraphs.

Wow. you got me right from the begining. I agree with the whol "earth thing". I really don't have much to say except I like it. I never am much of a critiquing person though. Sorry. I liked it though. I also like how you made the red circle thing, about how they were being transported.O i have a critique thing! are the scientists from second earth? because testing humans (like us... or i hope its us and not just me), would be against their nature.... right?

I ran to the window, another lab break was going on outside. The scientist were taking people from Earth and bringing them here to Second Earth. The people from Earth were running loose in my neighborhood with frightened expressions on their faces. I opened my door and stepped outside to get a better view of the earthlings. They didn’t look much different than we did, except they look flimsy and week. There was only once I saw a muscle bound human, and even he was still too weak and was able to be taken back to wherever the scientist take them.

I looked up to the sky and saw giant jets were flying overhead. People in lab coats and green goggles were climbing off the tall jets. While some scientist were already on the ground and handcuffing the earthlings, the others were chasing them. Once the earthlings were handcuffed the scientists made them sit on the ground. The scientists would draw a circle around the captives with what looked like a red piece of chalk, and then they would set their hands on the ground and the red circle would light up, a scene too familiar to me. After a moment of blinding red light everyone would disappear.

Then as I turned around to go back inside, a scientist grabbed my hand and cuffed me. Oh no. They thought I was a human from Earth! I froze and tried to calm myself down. The scientist was drawing a red circle around me.
“I’m from Second Earth!”
The scientist ignored me and went on drawing the finishing touches to the circle. I began to sob, remembering the evil things my friends said the scientist do to the earthlings. The red light blinded me, and before I knew it, I was in a lab. My heart stopped when I saw what was in giant glass tubes on the wall in front of me. Earthlings walked around the lab with scrapes, cuts, and bandages all over them. One woman had an extra arm that was beginning to grow out of her back. She looked over to me and screamed in pain. I looked away from the woman and back at the emotionless scientist above me. He took a fluid filled needle out of one of his pockets and stabbed it in my right arm.
The only thing I was able to muster out of myself before I lost consciousness was, “I am going to die here…”

The scientist ignored me and went on drawing the finishing touches to the circle.

Please space between paragraphs. Then I will crit. :D:D:D:D:D