EverWayward #7

Finally we have some rest sort of, except action should be not be in. Plus Deus Ex Machina again, you're terrible for it. In real life things don't happen for convenience like that. I'm sorry I keep repeating myself, but really. having something suddenly like that, is pointless, just seems to people you're wanting action, action and action. That's my main complaint. I wasn't expecting the shock of him in the future or is he. I never understood that. Try putting in less deus ex machina. It's good, but please stop with the ya know.

Good luck
VSN.

Thanks everyone!

I touched upon that back in the first posting, didn't I?

It's not that names are weird, its the structure you chose for them that didn't make sense as a whole. Vowel-heavy names and hard consonants are really different in structure and language. I wouldn't worry about them really, you don't seem to have any development or weight that comes with naming. Since they mean nothing, you have nothing to lose other then pronouncation.

For conventional names this only applies, such as Edward, Rose and Gustav. The meaning of names came from family status and thus carried a weight. Someone out of place, say a peasant with the name Edward, would in fact be of fallen nobility. While Rose would be one of a merchant. Gustav, a name of power would be that of royalty. So unless you bring a basis for weight on names, you won't need to even consider it.

lol I have no idea how I got so many hits, I think most people read my stories and then read the rest... I dont really know lol.

Ye I think I will rename the elves, I don't want another Eragon here (I really didn't like that book lol!)

Hm... I'm not that sure about Kalbarcs either...

I need new names...

bigbadbear wrote:Whoa! Dude! That last part was amazing! I loved it! There was only one sentence that made no sense to me:

All his strength let him do was object with frightened head turns.

This made no sense.

But otherwise:

Yeah, this chapter confused me until I was left in total mystery. Which means: GREAT JOB! I absolutely loved this chapter. It was amazing. I can't say that I agree with Errant, or Teh Wozzinator.

Your elves seem really cool. I like them.

Aedomir raised his hand and his eyes closed. He began to hum a nearly silent melody under his breath and with a screech, the dragon’s spike-clad tail hurdled towards them. Seridon went to pull Aedomir to the ground, but found himself dragged back.

“Aedomir!” Seridon cried and fought to escape Aedomir’s will, but it was no good. The huge tail fell towards them and a thick, dark mist swathed across them.

This would be SO much better if you would make it a little clearer that he was using a spell. Because, I thought that Aedomir was committing suicide, and then they were on the hill, and it was confusing.

So, other than that, this is so cool. Definitely one of the best stories on the site.

Continue, and I'll keep reading!

BBB

Thank you very much Jabber! This has been a very mixed chapter, two for and two against.

Much of my writing is very opinion based, but thanks are crtainly in order!

Alrighty! I'm finally caught up!

I'm skipping the first paragraph, by the way, since it was in the previous chapter.

The majestic yellow light that shimmered from the pupils lit up the dark red scales and cast waves of fear through to Seridon.

He clutched his thigh and limped over to Aedomir.

“We’ll be massacred!” Aedomir just stood there, studying the dragon as its measureless tail flapped against the ground. “Aedomir!”

Aedomir raised his hand and closed his eyes [s]closed[/s]. He began to hum a nearly silent melody under his breath and, with a screech, the dragon’s spike-clad tail hurdled towards them. Seridon went to pull Aedomir to the ground, but found himself dragged back.

“Aedomir!” Seridon cried and fought to escape Aedomir’s will, but it was no good. The huge tail fell towards them and a thick, dark mist swathed across them.

“Yes,” Aedomir said. [comma instead] “[s]And[/s] and I suppose dragon would be a misuse here too.” Seridon shook his head.

“I don’t understand,” he said [s]he[/s].

So he knew what it was then; forbidden to even speak of in the Elven tongue.

When I was young, I lived with Lord Rondel, [no comma] in the house of Shethorn; [triple dots instead?] perhaps your memory recalls this?

If your patriotism is as it seems, you will be pleased to know that I can—and will—only use this power when an Elf is present.”

He smiled and carried on: “Oh, and there’s another catch; I can only ever use it five times.”

“—I think it’s my turn now,” [s]said[/s] Aedomir said coldly.

“Who is Tharituer? Sounds like some sort of bandit murder, its interesting how you gave me the name!” [use a period instead]

“Well, you know how you said you knew the way out of the prison? You know why, don’t you?”

“You became a legend, [no comma] and a myth,” said Seridon, trailing his fingers through his hair.

All his strength let him do was object with frightened head [s]turns[/s] shakes.

With a kick, the flames burnt his foot and he fell back in pain.

You just turn up, shoot a Kalbarc, and expect me to follow your every word!”

These experiences may return to you, but you must know one thing. [use a colon] You are not a murderer.”

“Since the conquest, Aedomir,” Seridon said calmly [s]Seridon's nurturing, calm voice[/s].

You lived with the elves, [use a dash] Scar-Turner, they called you,” Seridon said.

When you left and joined the outlaws, and when we heard of Kalbarcs breaking into the land, picking off rangers, the King deemed you dead

“Meaning that every living soul that existed when you…” Seridon sighed. “…[s]Lost[/s] lost consciousness, [no comma] exists to this day.”

Thanks BBB.

and jezza ye it makes sense i suppse but i think i will change it neway, seems a bit weird lol

All his strength let him do was object with frightened head turns.

Whoa! Dude! That last part was amazing! I loved it! There was only one sentence that made no sense to me:

All his strength let him do was object with frightened head turns.

Aedomir raised his hand and his eyes closed. He began to hum a nearly silent melody under his breath and with a screech, the dragon’s spike-clad tail hurdled towards them. Seridon went to pull Aedomir to the ground, but found himself dragged back.

“Aedomir!” Seridon cried and fought to escape Aedomir’s will, but it was no good. The huge tail fell towards them and a thick, dark mist swathed across them.

Wow thanks that was far more helpful lol!

Character development: 8/10
Plot development: 9.5/10 (great job there!!!)
Descriptions: 6.5/10
Wording: 6/10
Grammar: 7/10
Originality: 6/10 (change the name of the elves and this would be 8/10)
Overall: 8/10

my edits in bold

aedomir wrote:Chapter Two Part III

Aedomir looked round and caught a glimpse of the passage they had come from. A major Major sounds interesting here...I don't know if it's good or bad, so maybe just say "large" host of Kalbarcs piled out towards Aedomir and Seridon. The latter of these two quickly realised that these ravaging swarms would be the least of their worries. Seridon glared round to the roof. Tearing through the ceiling was a great, fiery-scaled dragon.

It smashed into the ground, shattering the dirty tiles and blasting them around the room. So powerful were the roars that they crumbled the wall and ripped through the ancient pillars. Its two bulging Ugh. Bulging sounds really weird...and actually, when I imagine dragons I think of slitted eyes, but this is all up to you. eyes flickered a bright green. The majestic yellow light that shimmered from the pupils lit up the dark red scales and cast waves of fear through to Seridon. He clutched his thigh and limped over to Aedomir. “We can’t fight them,” Seridon said. “We’ll be massacred!” Aedomir just stood there, studying the dragon as its measureless What do you mean by measureless? That sounds weird.... tail flapped against the ground. “Aedomir!”

Aedomir raised his hand and his eyes closed. He began to hum a nearly silent melody under his breath and with a screech, the dragon’s spike-clad tail hurdled towards them. Seridon went to pull Aedomir to the ground, but found himself dragged back.

“Aedomir!” Seridon cried and fought to escape Aedomir’s will, but it was no good. The huge tail fell towards them and a thick, dark mist swathed across them.

I must say... I didn't really like how it was the tail. Maybe the dragons jaws should sweep towards them and envelope them in fire or something. lol.... I dunno, I just thought that that sounded off.

#

But Get rid of the "But", since you used the "#" to split these up. they were uninjured. Seridon rubbed his skull and looked across at Aedomir, who sat on the edge of a hill solemnly gazing out. He then noticed the crackling fire next to him, to which he embraced every spark. Who embraced the sparks, and what do you mean by that? This was a little confusing.

“Awake, I see?” said Aedomir, eminently apparent of Seridon.

“Where are we?” Seridon looked down at the darkening grass before him, partially lit by the sparkling fire next to him. “What happened in there, with that dragon? I know that it was "had to be" instead of was, maybe? some kind of spell you used on the dragon.” Using "the dragon" twice in these two sentences sounds really weird. Try something like, "What happened in there? I know that it had to be some kind of spell you used on the dragon!"

“Spell? Yes, I suppose you are right. I prefer cheat.”
Seridon frowned. “Cheat?” hahahaha, the "cheat" cracked me up.

Aedomir turned his head, and indicated for Seridon to sit down. He obliged and faced Aedomir, intrigued. “Yes,” Aedomir said. “And I suppose dragon would be a misuse here too.” Seridon shook his head.

“I don’t understand,” said he.

“Familiar with the Fodiin?” Aedomir posed inquisitively. Seridon gasped. So he knew what it was then; forbidden to even speak of in the Elven tongue. Aedomir took a deep breath before continuing. “The dragon was my Guardian. It comes to me in great peril, should I wish for it—within limits, of course.” Would the Elf still trust him if he told him that he was served by something that the elves weren't allowed to speak of???

Perplexed, Seridon asked, “What limits?”

Aedomir sighed profoundly. “So many questions you ask… When I was young, I lived with Lord Rondel, in the house of Shethorn; perhaps your memory recalls this? He granted me such a power. Clearly by your reaction, you know that only an elf of royalty may possess such ability. If your patriotism is as it seems, you will be pleased to know that I can—and will—only use this power when an Elf is present.” He smiled and carried on: “Oh and there’s another catch; I can only ever use it five times.” Saying "catch" here in this way seems really modern. It doesn't really fit in this time...although I guess it is 1000 years later, and he did use "cheat"...

Seridon nodded and laughed. “Full of surprises! But why—”

“—I think it’s my turn now,” said Aedomir. Try "Aedomir interrupted" instead...I think it sounds better. “Who is Tharituer? Sounds like some sort of bandit murder, its interesting how you gave me the name!” He chuckled at the thought and intently waited for the response.

“Well, you know you said you knew the way out of the prison? You know why, don’t you?”

Aedomir’s face turned white. This sentence happened to fast...say "Realizing, Aedomir's face turned white." It helps a little bit. “Yes.” Seridon frowned and gestured him to continue. “I had been there before…” His voiced trailed away as he lost himself in thought. You need to split up this last paragraph, so that Seridon's sentence is a new one.

“You became a legend, and a myth,” said Seridon, trailing his fingers through his hair. “As a murderer. As a Kalbarc murderer. You worked for the Kalbarcs.” This was good, because until the very end, I thought that he was murdering the Kalbarcs.

Aedomir’s blood froze in his body. All his strength let him do was object with frightened head turns. “No…” He jumped up and turned around. “No!” With a kick, the flames burnt his foot and he fell back in pain. This last sentence didn't have good wording.... You make it sound like the flames kicked. Say "Aedomir kicked, and the flames burnt his foot. He fell back in pain." Also, fell back sounds weird, because it seems to me like he just put his back towards the fire. “No!” He cursed and swore at the elf. “No!”

“I’m sorry Aedomir, but—”

“You’re lying! I am not a murderer!” Fire lit up in his eyes. Since you just used him burning his foot in a fire, use a different word than fire. “Who the hell do you think you are? You just turn up, shoot a Kalbarc and expect me to follow your every word!” Ooh, I really liked what Aedomir did here.

Seridon bounded into the air. “Aedomir! Listen to me! Your body became the killer, not you. All these years, you have been subjected to no control. These experiences may return to you, but you must know one thing. You are not a murderer.” I would italicize the "You" instead of "not". But don't italicize both...

Aedomir sat down, but needed no further evidence. He knew it was true. He gulped and began to massage his temps, Temps?? You mean temples?? which burnt with frustration. “What years…?”

“Since the conquest, Aedomir,” said Seridon’s nurturing, calm voice.

“Conquest?”

“I remember you now. You lived with the elves, Scar-Turner I don't really think that you need the italics. they called you,” Seridon said. “When you left and joined the outlaws, and when we heard of Kalbarcs breaking into the land, picking off rangers the King deemed you dead. Your team left Orchis, never to be seen again. Then we heard for certain. The death of Aganost reached us and then the ambush on your company—”

“Who from? Speak!”

“Remember Gortim? He said he escaped just before the Kalbarcs captured you and the rest of your men. That occurred before the conquest.”

Aedomir could not still his fury. “I will ask you again, what conquest?”

“That was over one thousand years ago.”

“One thousand years ago? But that’s impossible! We would both be dead! Not even the Kalbarcs can surpass mortality!”

“The Kalbarcs perhaps, but Malwin, no. They summoned her and have kept her prisoner for all these years.”

Aedomir’s heart thumped Say "heavily" here. A lot of people's heart thump against their chest...lol against his chest. “Meaning?”

“Meaning that every living soul that existed when you…” Seridon sighed. “…Lost consciousness, exists to this day.”

“The Immortals.” Seridon nodded at Aedomir and leaned against the mud-clad hill side, unable to even imagine the thoughts dividing the latter's mind.

thats helpful

The entire dialog.

Thanks for the review...

It was my first attempt and character history, and incorporating the main storyline.

Seridon knows more than Aedomir because Seridon has been alive for the last 1000 years but Aedomir hasn't.

Yet... Seridon has knowledge that seems just crazy without more description.

Aeodmir takes the intellectual rode with what is forbidden over one who probably should have know at least SOMETHING about it.

I read this and was a little perplexed, sorry, but the elvish (whether its Tolkien based or not) seems rather out of place. Even with the forbidden aspect, it seems like that it detracts from the focus of the piece.

Also a minor note, I'd watch the use of 'Familiar' in that sentence as it can be interpreted as the mage's familiar rather then familiar as in a vague recollection of it. Also if it was forbidden for him, why would he even ask such a question?

This entire piece is full of illogic and rather spins around two unrelated points that neither character seems proper to have.

Aeodmir takes the intellectual rode with what is forbidden over one who probably should have know at least SOMETHING about it.

Yet... Seridon has knowledge that seems just crazy without more description.

You've done a good job and trying to keep the readers swept up in it, but nows the time for explanations and getting a foothold on what is happening. Explain better and address some of those logic points.

Seems you didn't bother to do character backgrounds after all I see...some points like this seem to bop around and go outside logic when convenient.

Also....first.