Published December 12, 2007
Just like 1 paragraph of chapter one
Chapter 1
The Coming
Sota was sitting on his bed studying. The final exams were coming up and he need to get the best score in his class. It was early in the morning and Sota was about to get ready for school. When the clock hit 6:30 he put his book down and got ready for school. He went to the bathroom and combed his dirty blonde hair. He went to the closest to change. He put on a plain blue shirt and jeans. He went to the bathroom to put his contacts in. When he was all ready he walked downstairs and out the door. He waited for the bus stop reading until 7:30. The bus arrived and he went aboard. He sat in his usual spot in the front seat behind the bus driver. The bus began to move and Sota began to sleep. He had stayed up all light studying he was very tired. He slept the whole way to school.
When they arrived the bus driver woke him up. He gestured to the bus doors. Sota exited and entered the school’s front doors.
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139,264 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay well this is quite the start here to the first chapter...although it seems a tiny bit sort of meh here at first glance not to mention quite a lot happens for something that is only meant to be the very first bit of the actual first chapter. For starters I think, you need to have a bit more of a spread out situation if you're going to just sort of narrate this person's daily routine like what you've essentially managed to do here.
Its not that you can't do this, starting on a sort of mundane and more neutral route is fine, its just that even for that, to start with such a rapid sort of description just wouldn't really work out in terms of getting readers interested in the piece and especially when it comes to keeping them interested enough to want to read more here.
So while of course since this is incomplete I don't know if things get more intriguing as the chapter progresses, as it stands at the moment, this one needs a bit of an overhaul to properly work out here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
its me agin with sum more suggestions if you are going to actually use them. how about you delve into his thoughts a bit. is he angry for having a test. worried he wont do well. does sota have a specific reason or motivation that caused him to stay up late ex. will stay back if he doesnt pass the test.
firstly, you shouldent repeat the name so close to it's last use
andAnd a lot of your story is told in simple sentances that you could combine so that the writing doesn't become boring in a sence. Also you don't give much discription, and all your sentances start with 'He went' or like wise start with something fresh such as 'As he walked' or 'Slowly and grudfully he climbed' if you get what I mean. And you shouldnt do times, it makes you sound like you should be writing a math essay or something to that sort.
hope to see the rest!
lulu
[quote="Derek_Fantasy"]
Chapter 1
The Coming
Sota was sitting on his bed studying. The final exams were coming up and he need to get the best score in his class. It was early in the morning and Sota was about to get ready for school. When the clock hit 6:30 he put his book down and got ready for school. He went to the bathroom and combed his dirty blonde hair. He went to the closest to change. He put on a plain blue shirt and jeans. He went to the bathroom to put his contacts in. When he was all ready he walked downstairs and out the door. He waited for the bus stop reading until 7:30. The bus arrived and he went aboard. He sat in his usual spot in the front seat behind the bus driver. quote]
Look at the begining of each sentance. Sota, He, He, He, He, He, He, He, with the occasional it or the. Try and find ways to mix things up a little.
I remain firm with my first post. it is one thing if you are just bad at writing, but it is another if you are to lazy to write something that wont be wasting other peoples time.
This happened, period. Then this happened, period. After that, this happened, period. He did this. He did this. He did this.
O.O
My boy, it would appear your writing has a terrible case of Robotic Sentence.
Definition of Robotic Sentence:
A Sentences that would be suitable for a robot to say. Simple, basic, bare sentences.
B The equivalent of 'see Spot'.
Remedy:
Read a book and look at how they do their sentences. Chances are they have a bit more... variety. Then try to apply their techniques to your writing.
A quick (shredding) thought
Still here? You were warned...
Who cares? Why is it important that we know he read until 7:30? Why is it important to know what he changed into, or when he put down his book? Why do we need to know every detail of his routine? Why should we care?
He's studying for finals, every student's nightmare. Okay. Great. Adds tension. But what does combing his hair have to do with anything?
You have 12 lines of text there, in MS Word. ^^ Most publishers only look at the first 18. In a novel, the chapters tend to start at the bottom half of the page. The first page, on average, has 18 lines. On average. There is no law that I know of that states the first page most be exactly 18 lines.
But the point is, you only have 18 lines to grab them, and convince them that it's worth their time to turn the page. Before you do that, you need to grab them with your first line, to convince them that it's worth their time to read the next 17.
Your 12 lines... meh.
Here's a tip. Think to the point where something happens in the story. Maybe he sees a couple of school bullies on the bus who give him a hard time. If so, start the story there, or just before. Maybe he see this girl at school and it leads to an awkward moment for him. Maybe he's late fore class and the teacher gives him a hard time.
Wherever stuff, important stuff, stuff that is important to the story, stuff that moves the plot forward, wherever that happens, that's where you need to start it. If you don't, then people don't like it. They get bored and they put it down.
You did paint a good picture of his routine. But I don't think it should be the opening of a book. The opening scene in a movie, maybe. But not a book.
Go to your local library or bookstore and read the first page of a few books. Only the first page. Then make note of why you wanted to turn the page, or why you wanted to put it down. Make note of how they started their story, too.
Nora Roberts tends to be pretty good at delivering her character on the first page, if not the first line. Yes, she's a romance writer, swallow your pride, if it interferes, and pick up one of her books. Just make sure it has her seal on it so you know it's one of her newer ones. And stay away from the Villa. That is an example of how not to start a story.
Read books. But don't just read them, look at them and see what it is they do. Compare your sentences with theirs.
Also, post a bit more of your piece next time. This was only 188 words. The minimum is 500, for posting. I'd aim for about 1000, but that's just me.
If something happened in the next 400 words, though, it could have cushioned the blow that the first 100 received, to some extent. Just and idea for future reference.
Your writing suffers from boring, repetitive sentences. You use the same style over and over again, don't offer any description, emotion or conversation, and I don't see at all why this is in Fantasy Fiction.
I was very disapointed in this piece. there is practically no description. does he live in an apartment? a house? is he in the city or country? the actions are almost a grocery list. it is all "he did this.......he went there...." alot of improvment is needed but dont be discouraged
I think you could have used his name instead of "he" every once and a while. What about the other people in his family? Discriptions about his house would be nice, and how did he felt as he did all of those things? There wasn't much that I liked about it sadly... Basically it sort of bored me.
Hey Derek!
This is a rathe anemic opening line. -_- I agree with Errant that you should never start with the main character's name.
Why does he need to get the best score in his class? :/ Be careful to avoid being a Mary-Sue. To take the test to make sure that Sota isn't one, take this test. Also, Sam wrote a great article about sidestepping Mary-Sewage.
This part sounds like you're in stop-and-go traffic. You are just listing events one after the other without explanation and/or imagery. To be honest, its boring to read. You should add more details and description to make this more interesting.
Why not tell us what the bus driver looks like? And you really should take the time to describe Sota's reaction, using the five senses. It will increase the interest-level in this a hundredfold.
Overall, this is okay. You have a bare skeleton of a story here - just ideas and statements. Flesh it out with imagery, details and emotion. This is very sparely written - at the moment your prose is rather bland. But fear not!
I do see potential here. Just take the time to use some metaphors and similes, and this could be more interesting.
I really hope this didn't sound too harsh - I mean well and I hate to be dishonest in critiques.
Good luck with this! PM me if you have any questions or comments!
Cheers,
Camille
Chapter 1
Consider those comments and ask yourself more questions to better portray Sota to the reader without using passive telling to do it for us.
The Coming
Sota was sitting on his bed studying.
> Weak opening. Never use the name to open.
>> Description of the room (the setting) comes prior to this.
The final exams were coming up and he need to get the best score in his class.
>More telling, rephrase and show his failures to indicate this rather then telling.
>> Consider changing this or adding a reason for it.
It was early in the morning and Sota was about to get ready for school. When the clock hit 6:30 he put his book down and got ready for school. He went to the bathroom and combed his dirty blonde hair. He went to the closest to change. He put on a plain blue shirt and jeans. He went to the bathroom to put his contacts in.
>First part was telling, but the rest was how you should write.
>> Change up sentance structure, instead of 'He' three times in a row and run this together and be descriptive to his body and looks rather then what he did.
When he was all ready he walked downstairs and out the door. He waited for the bus stop reading until 7:30. The bus arrived and he went aboard. He sat in his usual spot in the front seat behind the bus driver. The bus began to move and Sota began to sleep. He had stayed up all light studying he was very tired. He slept the whole way to school.
> Again more telling. Take away this telling aspect and focus on what he does, not telling us what he DID.
>> Be a bit more descriptive. What kind of bus. What was it like outside? Who was on the bus? Why did he fall asleep.
When they arrived the bus driver woke him up. He gestured to the bus doors. Sota exited and entered the school’s front doors.
>Expand and be more descriptive.
Overall you have improved, but still there is always more to do.
"Instead of Sota went downstairs" you can do this.
"Sota grudingly descended the steep and dangerous staircase; over toys and shoes that lurked on the far side. Careful to avoid the loose nail protruding from the top of the stairs, he leapt off the last two with an ungraceful leap."
Maybe i overdid it...who knows. Whatever works the character.