carelessaussie13

Ummm..... I actually didn't read all of this, because I knew what I wanted to say in my critique as soon as I read the first sentence. It just. . ...

Gadi pretty much said it all. But if you do choose to rewrite this rather than scrap it, be sure your lines are more of a uniform length. This had ...

A quick suggestion: in the first line, you bluntly state the simile that you carry through the entire poem. It's a beautiful comparison, but it's the entire poem summed up ...

Um, why should I care? I don't intent to go around poem-bashing or anything, but I really don't care about the children. I suggest going back through and thinking about ...

Just a quick comment--Always work of punctuation before posting a poem. If it works for you in the first draft, to just get the idea out without bothering with those ...

It's kind of...clunky. "Glances to the noise of the beeps" You can't look at a noise. :wink: "Protected by beeping machines, not family" This is very tell-not-show. In fact a ...

I know this poem has intense personal meaning to you, that's very clear, and I sincerely wish you peace, but this poem is lacking something. Who is this Marine? Your ...

Ditto to what Claudette said. Pay attention to her. Mostly, she knows what she's doing. 8) As for the poem, I'd like to add that the rhyme seemed forced, as ...

Hello Okay. I felt to sad when the bird died, do kudos for making feelings, but the whole 9/11 thing seemed unnecessary. At least for the purposes of this poem, ...

A couple of questions--What is the curse of the Wolf? Why is the boy serving Sensei Taanari?Why does the pirate have a grudge against these two in particular? Why are ...

I think the issue here is that you're putting too much plot into what is clearly trying to be an emotional poem. Try this. Take out everything that is about ...

Pretty much everything that can be said has already been said, but I'd just like to point out that there are a billion poems out there with the title Darkness. ...

wow. It took me a few stanzas to get that it was an artist talking to the river, but then I reread it and it was absolutely beautiful. The Good ...

Funny! *giggles while eating, spills food on self* Um, it seemed like the rhyme kind of stopped. The first four lines were great, really great, and then it just kind ...

This is very good, a wonderful idea. One thing bothered me. In the last stanza, you simply said that it was man's own attempted chronicle and the whole stanza had ...