I'll agree with most the others. This definitely has drama in it, though I feel that it's more of a memoir writing piece than a poem, though in a few places it does appear "poemish". The words was very odd, in many places. The analogy with the bird/plane did make it rather confusing. I like the idea, but it doesn't seem very disconnected from the other bird so it's linkings were never severed. It's also kind of a pointless analogy...the 'other bird' serves no purpose to the poem other than to take up a line or two--unless your point is to connect the plane to the flights of 9/11. If that is the intention, though, it is very unclear and the idea should be developed more, make it almost so obvious it's like it smacks the reader in the face. Moving on, the second stanza either lacked a point or missed the point. The fact that the writer was young has nothing to do with the rest of the poem and is an unnecessary addendum. I understand the mourning for a bird, but the placement of the 'mourning' AFTER seeing the smoke is rather confusing. Just seeing the smoke would mean nothing, especially since it is declared that the writer is young and would not connect the dots that quickly.
I think there needs to be a little more emotion in this. Also, it needs more connection between the points--especially if the main point of the poem is to connect it to 9/11. Hope this helped!
Happy Editing,
Via
Points: 3454
Reviews: 694
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