White water whisking gently by
Your embracing arms and open smile.
Kneeling down upon the earth,
As I watch you far away and idly by.
I take your life and breathe unto mine,
My gentle strokes, and opened mind.
The colors singing to you,
As you take the jokes with laughs and cries.
Jet black hair kissing your lips,
The stones of the river, caressed by your fingertips.
You throw bright rainbows into the sky,
As I take to my canvas, and the brushes fly.
I look into your eyes, bright deep red,
Against the magenta sky.
I hold my breath, as time passes by.
The silence standing so closely by,
As your reflection flickers by.
You close your crystal eyes and your arms fall to the side.
You fall asleep, gently and soundly.
And your reflection passes by.
The river crystallized,
The breeze freezing the cold, cold air.
I sit by my canvas, tranquillized.
I sit by you, frozen in time.
---
[comment/CC appreciated]
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
This piece is beautifully written and I enjoyed reading it.
The flow worked well and you established good imagary, capturing my attention fully, and that's a hard thing to do. I have no complaints. Good work.
To be honest I was a bit "mehh" on so many by's, but at the time it seemed kind of right to me. Thank you for the comments and suggestions though
must be the best poem i've read yet! hidden meanings and all...awesome!!!
wow. It took me a few stanzas to get that it was an artist talking to the river, but then I reread it and it was absolutely beautiful.
The Good
Descriptions. Line length, with the exception of "you close your crystal eyes and your arms fall to the side." Too long.
The Not-So-Good
Overuse of the word "by". There are tons of awesome words you could use instead. Try making it clearer that the poem is spoken to the river. Stanza irregularity. Four lines to a stanza, or just one big verse (although that would be harder to digest and harder on the eyes). Some of the sentences are clunky, more like dramatic speech than poetry.The title. It could be confusing. Try "Painting a river" or "river" or something along those lines but more creative.
*applauds with standing ovation* Awesome job
Aussie