Published September 3, 2007
I lie on the couch watching the curtains move slowly;
my eyes are the only sense that I can trust now.
I cannot feel him there anymore,
I cannot hear him calling my name.
Time seems frozen as I wait;
Wait for something from him.
A letter, a postcard, a picture.
Anything to confirm he's still there.
I know he's fighting for my country,
so I must bear this loneliness.
He took my heart with him,
he is my Marine.
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
The marine touched me in a weird way that I have never been touched in before, and it makes me sad and happy at the same time
. I thought this story was something not many people would ask for but they still get it....and surprisingly, stuff we don't want means all the more to you once we get it.
Thanks for giving me a new perspective on life
-lulu_daisy_101
Hello Amber, I have a piece like this in my portfolio as well, ecept yours seems to be about a lover or a friend. Mine is about my brother and I wrote it on Christmas. This piece is fairly good. I enjoyed it, the marine part always makes me think of my brother and I wish too that he'd send a picture or a postcard. But he doesn't lol. I enjoyed this piece and hope to hear more from you.
Your friend as always
-Max
pretty good, except, its a little short to me. You could use some work with the spacing though.
I thought it was a good little personal poem.
My initial reaction was 'oh dear, another soppy love poem' but after I had read it through properly, I began to get a feel of what the narrator was going through. However, this said a little more description would have been nice; for a poem about a very emotive experience only one emotion, loneliness, is mentioned. I know you don't necessarily have to bash your readers around the head with your meanings and you can still retain some sense of subtlety but all the same... I hope you catch my drift.
Aside from that, a sterling effort; well done!
I know this poem has intense personal meaning to you, that's very clear, and I sincerely wish you peace, but this poem is lacking something. Who is this Marine? Your father? Brother? Boyfriend? If you want the reader to feel what you are feeling, we need to know what you're feeling, if that makes any sense. It can be hard to turn a personal experience, however dramatic, into a dramatic poem, at least one that the general population of critiquers will understand.
1) Something about watching the curtains ... it feels like we're starting to get at some really intense imagery, but it doesn't quite make it. Maybe something like "watching sunlight through the curtains" or "watching move in the breeze" - maybe something pleasing and natural to contrast the sadness?
2) Eyes are not a sense, they're a sensory organ.
3) I would change "cannot" to "can't," but that's a personal opinion. "Cannot" seems so stiff and formal, and this is such an intensely personal subject that it doesn't seem to fit.
4) I'd take out the "[a] letter, a postcard, a picture." It seems like too ... much. I also don't like "confirm he's still there;" I'd either say where "there" is, or something.
5) Hm; I think this line is the one that really needs to be the "punch line" of the poem, if you will, and it doesn't deliver. Some really strong imagery or insight would be perfect here.
6) ... where did he take your heart? This might be a good time to say where he's serving.
I really can't comment on this as subject matter, other than to say I haven't experienced it. This poem doesn't quite get the feelings across.
Moved to Dramatic Poetry at the authors request.
For a poem with such a strong meaning behind it, this could potentially be something that makes the reader burst into tears.
It's a great idea, but just needs to be thoroughly polished. You need to add emotion--emotion that the reader can share. You can do this through word choice, actions, showing rather than telling, imagery with the senses. All of this will help incorporate more emotion. Consider symbolism and metaphors.
Really, if you just brushed this up and made it... "more" then it would be amazing.
I know I rushed through everything, so if you have any questions feel free to PM me and I will readily expand my opinions/comments.
Hey Amber. I see you're new. It's wonderful to have you. Your post count is impressive for it having been two days. good job on reviewing so much already! That's always a really good way to start.
And why is this the only sense she can trust. Of course she can't feel him there, he isnt there. And, do people really call other people's names that often?
"I lie on the couch watching the curtains move slowly,
for my eyes are the only sense that I can trust now.
I cannot feel him there anymore,
I cannot hear him calling my name"
Cut the "for," it's melodramatic
That being said, it's pretty. It flows nicely. It's a bit sad.
"Time seems frozen as I wait;
Wait for something from him.
A letter, a postcard, a picture.
Anything to confirm he's still there."
I think we can all relate to that feeling. However, it's something that's been repeated through the times It's nothing new.
"
I know he's fighting for my country,
so I must bear this loneliness.
He took my heart with him,
he is my Marine."
Beautiful. Heart-wrenching. Thank you. Good work.