aspiringauthor17

At the beginning of a line, remember to capitalize the first letter. Grammar is always important, even in poetry. As "ladypurple" and other reviewers said, the rhyming does seem forced- ...

In the second paragraph after "lawn", I think you should put a hyphen instead of a comma. When you say, "There was a man and a woman, both grey headed," ...

The dialogue between Phoebe and Liam is kind of inconsistent, a lot times I can't tell which character is speaking. This is kind of long for a short story, isn't ...

On the sixth line, I think you should take out the word "really", so the line would read, "How much it gets to me". I really like this poem, and ...

On the fifth line, I think it would sound better if you would take out the word "really". The second time the girl speaks, I don't understand how the sixth ...

As Persephonia said, the imagery was extremely nice. I love the way the poetry flowed- you're a natural writer! I also extremely love your ending. At first when I read ...

On the fourth line, do you mean to say, "Of a time when I was whole"? In the twelfth line, I would reduce the number of syllables or change the ...

At the beginning of each line, try to use capitalization. Grammar is not essential, as a good writer does not need it, but it increases the desired effect. I wold ...

First of all, I'd like to tell you that it's great to write on such high levels when one is so young! It's shows much enthusiasm and excitement for writing. ...

I don't like how the last two lines are repetitive, maybe you could cut it down to just one. One a brighter note, I really like the poem and hope ...

On the 12th line, you spelled relief wrong. There should be a question mark after "What's it like to be at the bottom" and after "Failure" a few lines down. ...

In the first paragraph, I think you should say, "Really, I truly believe" In the second paragraph, I think you should say, "Hell, the very memory still does." I really ...

I like the part with Georgia in the a.m., but maybe you could try "Trying to gently pry her from my leg" as that seems more accurate than "remove". On ...