Published August 8, 2010
Hey Guys it's Spy,
I wrote this poem yesterday in 15 minutes let's try to complete it .
It's a conversation between a girl and a boy she is breaking up with him.
_____________________
The girl:
It doesn’t matter anymore
It ended when you walked through that door
You made me cry
I wished to die
After what you said
And horrible things you did
You’re going to pay
For every tear I shed
The Boy:
Oh baby I know It’s so hard for you
But believe me I had to
I wanted you to know
That everything between us was true
The girl:
Don’t call me baby
I aint your babe anymore
I don’t want to know the reason
You throw me away for
"Baby" I think this is
The last goodbye
All I can do is to cry
Wondering why why
You left without a
Single "Bye"
_________________________
Written by Huthaifa
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
You mean Wife! (JK!!!)
Thanks Daughter
WOW!! This is a very beautiful, realistic, rhyming poem!! I love the lines, though some of them didnt rhyme that well. Nice thoughts and conversation. You made it so that I got the rhyme AND the conversation, but it didnt feel too conversational or rhym-y. GREAT JOB!!!
Yah, great job for getting it feautered!
As Always,
Sionarama
p.s.
Im not your daughter!
Thanks Red
~Spy
Wow. I really liked this!
I'm no expert on poetry or anything, but your poem was really good.
My favourite aspect of your poem was how it was written in conversation. It kinda remiended me of "Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem.
Good work!
Hey Kat,
Thanks a lot
~Spy
Wow. I certainly like this poem.
Trying to make it rhyme didn't make this poem sound odd.
This is good.
Keep writing. Congratulations, by the way, for making this work featured. XD
-KAT <3
Hey Jag,
Thanks for the review and my reply on you is that I still learning English so it's not my mother tongue or even close to be but i promise i will do better next time
~Spy
Hey spy,
I must say I didn't like this poem much: the subject matter felt overused, or at least very unoriginal, there was little to be found in way of significant meaning or importance to the story, and the execution leaves much to be desired.
First, the format itself, while having some potential, does not work simply because the dialogue is pretty unrealistic. For one, you're forcing the rhyme, which makes it sound extremely clumsy, and second, it doesn't flow the way proper/normal speech would: you've sacrificed realism for drama, which, while it can be done properly/interestingly, only hurts you here. You're trying too hard to imitate informal speech ("aint", which by the way requires an apostrophe), and again it comes off as forced. Also, this may be personal preference, but you shouldn't have to precise who's talking: the text itself should be doing that for us.
Second, as has been mentioned already, punctuation. Yes, there can be poetry without punctuation, and it can be made to work beautifully. The thing is, it takes some thought to balance readability and flow, and you've stumbled there as well. A number of your sentences end up loose, and the connections between them aren't clear enough at times, or get tangled, which could easily be avoided by adding punctuation as you would for prose. Same points apply for capitalization, with the added note that if you're going to use it at all, use it properly.
Third point, clichés. " You’re going to pay / For every tear I shed" has been done a million times, give or take a couple thousand. Same for "everything between us was true" and "I think this is / The last goodbye". Avoid those like the plague: they take away from any originality you might have, and a reader will tend to fixate on those and go 'seen this before, boring'. Obviously, this is a Bad Thing.
Fourth: there's no emotion here. I read through it three times, and felt absolutely nothing. Dialogue can be used to convey action quite effectively: I've seen it done, been brought to laughter, anger, half to tears by a few well-worded lines that managed to let the emotion in the poem bleed through to the reader. Didn't happen here, due to a combination of reasons including the points mentioned above and just a lack of proper wording. Again, this may be a matter of personal taste: I'm notoriously picky when it comes to word choice. There was nothing in this that caught my attention, made me feel for the boy or the girl, which again, is a Bad Thing: you want the reader to feel for the people in your poem, or at least take something out of it. In this case, for Jag, nothing, nyet, nada, nil.
Fifth, last but not least, please be careful about grammar, syntax and spelling. It may sound nitpicky, but the fact is, when I'm reading something and see such a mistake, my instant reflex is to backspace/quit the page/close the book. Obviously, you don't want to prompt that kind of reaction in your readers, which is why paying a bit more attention would be good. I'm not going to point them out to you; some of them have already been commented on, and repeating it would do you no good. Just keep it in mind, so that next time you might do a bit better. Same for flow, though there's more leeway to be found here, as it can be a very personal point of view.
Hope this helps. PM me if there's any point you need further clarification on.
Jag.
These are just some ideas. Feel free to discard them. Hope I've been of some help and if not then..oh well. x) You have a good story behind this. Keep it up!! ; ]
-MissyDiVinci-
Thanks Megg ^^
...Punctuation. I do a little poetry and have learned you get your head ripped off for no punctuation, or incorrect punctuation. I really liked this (mainly because of rhyming! I hate poetry that doesn't rhyme...It's a bad habbit) but the rhyming felt forced in some spots. I do the exact same thing, but poetry doesn't have to rhyme. Or not completely. Anyway, this was really good! Good job!
Emmy thanks for the review and for the punctuation marks I still learning English and when I take it I will put it ok
But you know girls are like Walkie Talkie haha they just don't leave Us say what we want
~Spy
Where's the punctuation? No commas, periods? How are we supposed to know where to stop and take a breath? And Ain't, isn't a word. The girl not only has two parts, but they are both longer then the guys part. The guy should have more to say. (yes I know we girls can become chatter boxes) but the guy would have more to say. Besides the above I like it keep writing!
Hey thanks Saking
~Spy
Wow, I really liked this! I'm not the best person to be taking advise from, but don't change it. I love it the way it is. Sorry this is so short, but if you need me to review anything else, PM me!
~xX~♥~Xx~Forsakinshadow~xX~♥~Xx~
Thanks Roon,
And I will do everything you said
~Spy
This is really unique, you don’t see much conversational poetry, as aspiringauthor17 said. It was good to see a new slant on a break-up. I really like it, you get all the right emotions across, and I love how she doesn’t want to hear his excuses!
Little things I’d change would be:
I don’t want to know the reason
You throw me away for
"Baby" I think this is
when you say ‘aint’ I think, I may be wrong, it’s ‘ain’t’? Neither are real words so it probably doesn’t matter. I think it may be threw, not throw as well, you need to watch out for changing tenses.
After what you said
And horrible things you did
I’d put “and the”, it doesn’t really feel right without it.
Another thing I’ll suggest, maybe at the end if you put a full stop, it would be a bold marker that it’s the end, not only of the poem, but the relationship. I know you don’t punctuate throughout, so you may not want to do so there either, just a suggestion. Another personal preference thing is capitalising the start of every line, for me, it breaks the flow of the poem, but as I said, it’s personal preference.
Other than that, it’s really good.
~Roon
Thanks Lindsay,
And I will do it right now
On the fifth line, I think it would sound better if you would take out the word "really".
The second time the girl speaks, I don't understand how the sixth line fits in with the rest of the surrounding lines. Maybe you should cut that line.
The poem is very good, and you are an excellent poet. I really like this poem ot only because it's well written, but because it's original. I mean, a lot of people write about break-ups, but not in conversational poetry! Nice job, and keep writing!
~Lindsay
"No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth." ~Robert Southey