Published August 7, 2010
Something i just wrote
edit:ok rereading peoples reviews
this is not meant to be emo, not meant to be about suicide
let me lay it out for all the readers of what is happening
The knife it stares at me<- he stares at the knife, it looks friendly
Hoping to enter her throat<- his thoughts
The pain and suffering<-the pain and suffering he has had all these years(okay maybe this was a tiny bit emo)
She may cry out <- obvious, no?
I may laugh<- he may laugh happily cause she will be dead
But the end will come<- yet he doesn't know when or how
Cant control the urge<-the urge winning, hand over the knife
Cant control the urge<- closer
Cant help the urge<- fighting the urge
Cant control the urge <- finally he gives in
But the knife smiles at me<- as it is in his hand
"The only way out"<- it tells him(not to cut his own throat but HERS)
The only way out<- he comes to the final conclusion and is under the power of the knife
please tell me the emo or suicidal points now?
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Hi tigs6969,
You're absolutely correct; this isn't emo junk. It's just plain junk, an ugly concoction of clownishly angry emotions clucking around a cage of poorly constructed imagery - and let's not forget the creamy topping of misspelled words and second grade grammar.
Your primary concern should be learning how to use apostrophes. After that, take a good look at that poem again and ask yourself - as others have mentioned - whether it has any complexity in it whatsoever. If you find to your surprise that there isn't, then consider elaborating on the conflict, which seems to be an undercurrent of guilt or doubt on the part of the narrator. Screaming at a wall is not poetry.
And once you have done all this, you may fire back arrogantly at competent reviewers who are attempting to help you make this fog readable.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Hey again, Tigs.
Please don't take offense at anything I've said! I'm simply here to give you my honest opinions, in the hope that they can help your edits and future poetry.
I said it was slightly emo because the idea as a whole is about pain, depression, and angst, which has been done numerous times in poetry. "The pain and suffering", "The end will come", "the only was out"-- all those lines are a whole lot of "WOE IS ME" with not much poetic phrasing or intriguing imagery. The language is sort of dull throughout the whole thing.
As far as your translation edits, where you're laying out what's happening...that kind of speaks for itself. If you have to go back and explain what's going on and what the readers should be experiencing, the poem isn't doing its job, is it? Poetry needs to speak for itself, and should be able to be enjoyed without the author needing to translate. We still don't know why the murder is the only way out, and the only emotion I can feel from this is a kind of muted anger. Use words and phrases to make us feel the rage and hopelessness here, make us fear for the girl, make the scene come alive.
And you're right, I don't know who this is about-- perhaps a good starting point would be to work on showing the readers what kind of person you're talking about.
Again, best of luck and keep writing!
~Evi
please reread my first post as you calling it emo and emo gave me a huge facepalm. actually, everyone please reread my first post for clarification
I'm not really a poem person. Just wrote this randomly one day. long story why and personal why also.
I may write more poetry one day but I'm a short story novel person at the moment. Thanks all for the words
"My main advice for you is to find a more original topic other than "MWAHAHA I'VE GOT A KNIFE! *STABS*". To pull of something that's overused like this you have to write one heck of a unique poem, which you haven't done. Find a topic where you can explore your use of language, rhythm, and emotion, where you can let the words speak for themselves instead of having to resort to mindless repetition."
If you knew who this was about....
Hmmm... I do like this, but I agree with Evi, it could use more. For instance, why can't 'you' resist? Where does this strong desire to kill come from? It doesn't just stem from nowhere, not unless 'you' is insane--and that's an entirely different subject right there.
And, why is it the only way out? You've given us a brief glimpse into someone's mind the instant before they commit murder, but you've given no indication of who this person is or their motives or anything, and that's what the poem's lacking. I would love to see this fleshed out more! 
I really like the poem just for thhe fact that it shows what someone is thinking about before they cut themselfs and i never understood why people do that. Anyways this is what i think might make it sound a little better.
The knife it stares at me
Hoping to enter her throat
The pain and suffering
(I) may cry out
(She) may laugh
But the end will come
Cant control the urge
Cant control the urge
Cant help the urge
But the knife smiles at me
"The only way out"
The only way out
Hey Tigs!
Just stray away from the clichéd, emo ideas and try for something that gives you more opportunities to work with. PM me if you need anything, and keep writing!
Unfortunately I didn't enjoy this as much as everyone else. It was kind of emo and redundant. 1/3 of the lines were just repeating what the other 2/3 had already said, so basically your entire poem is: "I'm going to stab her; I can't resist" which really isn't much of a poem. There's a grammar mistake in the first line, but more importantly, how can a knife stare at someone? It's fine to use metaphors and interesting language, and that was the only attempt at imagery you tried, but for that first line to make sense you need to explain how an inanimate object is looking at someone.
Also, those last two lines didn't make a bunch of sense either. "The only way out" is normally a line used for a suicide, when the person is so depressed and far-gone that they see no reprieve but in death. This isn't a suicide poem, though (which is good, because the most angsty and clichéd topic in the world is suicide) and so the use of that phrase bothers me a bit. The narrator is murdering this girl, basically, right? How does he/she see that as a way out?
My main advice for you is to find a more original topic other than "MWAHAHA I'VE GOT A KNIFE! *STABS*". To pull of something that's overused like this you have to write one heck of a unique poem, which you haven't done. Find a topic where you can explore your use of language, rhythm, and emotion, where you can let the words speak for themselves instead of having to resort to mindless repetition.
I believe that you can improve this, and improve your poetry.
~Evi
Hey Tigs. I just found a few errors that need to be fixed.
I found this good but morbid. Hope you write more.
~Ladypurple.
Thanks all for the words.
Not my true feelings but thats a long story in itself.
I don't know if people got it but the first "The only way out" was the knife talking to the writer. The second "The only way out" was the writer accepting that it is the only way out.
Thanks again all
I don't like how the last two lines are repetitive, maybe you could cut it down to just one. One a brighter note, I really like the poem and hope it doesn't express your true feelings!
Hi Tigs6969! I'll first go through and change a few things in red.
I rather like the repetition of the last lines. It shows your thoughts at the moment very well. I really hope this isn't true.
Good luck!
The first five lines are really good, in my opinion. I'm not so fond of the repetitive four lines that follow. Or the repetitive last lines. The idea of this poem was very good, and I feel if you add some more details it could be amazing. Keep it up!