[In]Sane

i thought this a good poem because it reminded me of school.
memories sneak up on me... of elementary, when i loved each day that i could get up and go to school! retarded, but true, since all my friends were there...

wistful... knowing that i could have gone to a different school, if only i had known what a hellhole my current one would turn out to be...(i go to private school)

every day, i drag myself to the pit of misery, the abyss of agony, which my school represents in my mind.

i feel like a china doll there at times, at otheres a little insane, because the twisted building is a soul- sucker.
yes, it actually sucks peoples souls, excuse the dementor-like comparison.
you see it as the years pass, the girls' personalities draining away like liquid in a semi-cracked vial...

and it gives me nightmares. ohhhhh yes. i shudder each time my school pops up in my mind.
so yes, i say you have done a pretty good job at this poem because it is a very good description of the hellhole i attend!

First, I must apologize. I originally decided to reply to this only to obtain points so that I could post my own work. I am extremely glad that I clicked on this particular poem. It was the title that first got me. [In]Sane is extremely appropriate because (in my interpretation of it) it's as if the title itself already is supposed to show that you're putting up the cover of someone who is 'normal' (I truely hate that term seeing as their is no such thing as 'normal' and it's all just a false act to give everyone a false sense of power and security) while truely being a broken individual who (by society) would be looked at as... well... strange. I relate to that. I'm a 'china doll' (if you'll permit me to use your analogy) hidding behind the mask of someone who is overly hyper and addicted to chocolate and bunnies and fun and rainbow. I'm the person who smiles all the time while inside I'm scared, sitting in a cage, and hoping I won't have to face anything that will permenantly damage me or finally shatter me into a million pieces. You describe it without describing it, and yet I picture it so easily that it feels as if the poem were written for me, or someone for me. I won't pretend to be an expert, but if something is used repeatedly such as the analogy of an empty room or the idea of being breakable and alone and scared, then isn't it obviously something the majority of us share? I wish I could remember where I was going with this, but I find that my train of though has jumped off the track and plummeted do into the canyon. So, I'll simply end this with a painted on grin and climb back into the shell I managed to escape from. Your poem was well written and I personally found it simply beautiful.

Loved it, very haunting. Had a very eerie feeling to it. I felt as though I could relate in some way. Good job

Hi Scar!

Okay, firstly I’d like to say I quite like your title. It’s been done before but it suits this poem well, particularly as “In” is indeed bracketed into its own section. The meaning of your poem is fairly clear – at least the meaning I glean from it is one which is evocative and honest.

Some basic housekeeping is the capitalisation of every line, it doesn’t need to be that way and it would read much better if you let the punctuation flow in that way. You rhyme – I assume accidentally? – in the second paragraph and it goes against the seriousness of your poem, I would suggest that you consider changing it. I’m not sure what you could substitute, though, so think about it hard and if you can’t change it suitably, don’t; people can look past a little rhyme.

Your first stanza is the strongest one. It’s sweet but haunting and you have a good number of syllables that it sounds good when spoken out loud. However, from there it dips relatively sloping to the bottom. Each stanza – as there are only four stanzas in the poem this makes for an oddly marked difference – is progressively less cohesive than your first.

I have a line by line crit for you below, my comments are made in violet or suchlike.

Memories are sneaking up on me,
Of a time when I was young,
And in love, < I almost want this to be separate so that your next line can be its own sentence, to make it stronger. However, it works as an aside so you don’t have to alter that if you don’t want.
Of a time when I was whole.

Wistful, from behind these bars,
Wishing, I was anywhere but here.
Longing, for a new start,
And hoping I had nothing to fear. < I like this stanza, but it’s less impressive than your first. I want to say that it’s boring, but it isn’t exactly. It’s somehow slower and less emotional than your first stanza. I would consider losing the list quality of it, but as with your first stanza this can stand on its own without alteration if you want. Remove “and” in the last line and capitalise the H in Hoping, in accordance with the suggestion below.

But knowing I’m stuck in these empty rooms, < I don’t like this line at all. You mention rooms in the next stanza and that serves as a better reference to the memory. I’d lose this line entirely.
With these empty souls, < I like the connection of empty souls to dolls, that’s nice here.
I know that there’s always been something to fear, < the repetition of “know” here to the first stanza is noticeable and halts the flow of your stanza. There is also something telling about this line and I don’t like it much, it’s too obvious compared to the rest of the poem. You’ve mentioned fear in the above stanza and you don’t need to repeat it here. I’d take out the line.
And truthfully? We’re all just china dolls. < The idea of china dolls here is so alluring, so interesting, that I want you to continue it. I know you do in the next stanza, being locked in rooms and such, but I think you could do more. In fact I think you could turn this entire stanza into the china doll reference and you’d be okay.

I would make this last line your first line of the stanza. Actually! Bam! Idea just hit me. Consider making this a single line stanza, with this line that single one. It fits well and it has a great impact. Try it out and tell me if it works. If it doesn’t, I’ll try and think of some other suggestions.

Locked in our rooms at night, < I like. ^^
With the dark, horror-filled dreams, < I like this less, perhaps remove the “horror-filled”? Or consider a different description; this one is wrong, I feel. I’m not entirely certain why.
Knowing that we’re forever out of sight, < This one is good too. Just noticed the rhyme with the first line here... don’t mind that.
Stuck in a place where there's always screams. < I don’t like this one. At all. It doesn’t feel like the end to your poem and it doesn’t fit with the rest of your lines. There’s something overly dramatic about it, by accident I feel. I understand the place where there are always screams, I think, as it’s a reference to the dreams. But I don’t like it as a line. You can definitely do better. I would re-read the poem several times and consider what you are trying to say, what you want to convey, and the words that sum all that up. If you can make them into a subtle line with a definite finality, I would put them as your final line. Otherwise, it just needs to be re-considered, because it’s an ineffectual end to your poem.

This was very good and I enjoyed it very much. Though I can't think I got a little lost withthe china dolls bit. I didn't quite understand it and it threw me for a loop. It my be just me but that drew away from the poem itself. Overall very good and can't wait until your next peice.

I like this a lot! It just speaks clearly. I loved "we're all just china dolls".

Hey there, Scar!

Here to review.


First and foremost, I have to admit that I had been a writer who capitalized every first letter of the line... which is basically wrong. Thanks to Skins for that. Also, you might want to end a stanza with a punctuation. I tell you poems are just like creating stories, however they are formatted in stanzas with meters or rhyming, structure and many more. I would also like to suggest about adding this with more effects or just spice this up a bit. As with the flow, there are no awkward lines to read or something. Although I must say this has potential and interesting, still I feel like this is just a plain poem in my own opinion. Yes, the imageries are one of the highlights in this piece and not to mention the concept behind the poem, which is also good. But honestly, I think you have much more up to your sleeve than what you're offering right here, Scar. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Wow! I really enjoyed this, I could empathise with every line!

On the fourth line, do you mean to say, "Of a time when I was whole"?

In the twelfth line, I would reduce the number of syllables or change the line because at the end of each section of the poem, they had excellent endings, but that one in particular, I just wasn't feeling it. Hope that helped,

~Lindsay

Well, AngerManagement seems to have got all the grammar niggles, so I won't repeat that.

I think you need to be a little more original with some of the aspects of the poem. The part where you mention not being whole has been explored so many times by other poets, and you just sort of state it. I like the idea of the empty rooms, but you need to expand on it, add some colour and emotion. The screams at the end, you could talk about the emotional trauma of being constantly reminded of other people's pain. There's so much you could do with the individual aspects of this poem.

The problem you have with this poem is that you have lots of contrasting imagery. I totally love the idea of china dolls, that has the potential for a poem in itself, why are we like china dolls? Talk about how we're brittle, fragile, there are so many things you could extrapolate from that one idea, and I think it's a really wonderful idea, you just have to make the most of it.

Hope I've been helpful.

~Roon

Memories are sneaking up on me,
Of a time when I was young,
And in love,
Of Ia time when I was whole.

But knowing I’m stuck in these empty rooms,
With these empty souls,
I know that there’s always been something to fear,
And truthlytruly?? We’re all just china dolls.

Locked in our rooms at night,
With the dark, horror-filled dreams,
Knowing that we’re forever out of sight,
Stuck in a place where there'sthere are always screams