Twit

*gulps* Why didn't I read this before? You don't make enough of Danteel in the Dialogue Game, Gyr. This is brilliant - as good as Gypsie Eyes , and possibly ...

Good..... But it needs to be more definate! Who *is* this bloke who's talking? Someone who's thoughtful and wise and who has seen a lot of things and a lot ...

*coughcough* This subject makes me get up in arms, and.... well, anyway... It was very well and very emotionally written. Nice description and all, and I liked the way you ...

Your dialogue's good, but your grammer and punctuation and all is shaky. I can't do a nitpick right now, but you should be able to see them yourself if you ...

Weird! In a good kind of way. :) Apart from the appalling "brung" there didn't seem to be anything that needs correction. :)

Ook, so Ortega touched at last? Pff, anyway, great chapter, and there were just a few things I noted: Jamie drove herself to court that day , Tammy had arrived ...

I'd like to know more about the story...who "he" was, and why they killed that man and all. Maybe it's obvious and I'm just being thickety thickman from thicktown, thickania? ...

Well, Inky said all I wanted to. :D The thing is that you're lacking depth. Put in details, describe what's happening! You simply tell us that Na-thingyummy and her friend ...

It's nice. :) Sometimes the rhyming (RHYMING!! YES!!) *ahem*, sometimes the rhyming was a bit forced, like "Seagulls cackling like wild". I know you put it in to make the ...

Very nice! You put a familiar imgae - the heartstrings - down in an unusual way, and the "broken melody" and "a chord to let me know what you're thinking" ...

Aw, this sad, and it brings up a good point. Heros don't always survive. And with Boy, that makes him even more heroic. I like the fact that Boy and ...

You need to tweak your grammer a bit, putting commas inside quote marks and all. But apart from that, I can't give you constructive advice. I can only say that ...

Yeseth, the rhymeth schemeth was distractingeth, aseth waseth the archaiceth languageth. ("Am I righteth in thinketh that thou art the Counteth Duckula of Transylvania-eth?") But nixeth thateth, and t

Woo-hoo, I'm really enjoying this!!! Nothin' to correct...rats, make at least a few mistakes, or I can't correct anything!! :evil: And, frankly, the thought of Cloasia being...ahem...*mutters*...never

Like a lot of your stuff, JC - this is dark and it makes me think. That's a good thing, btw. :) I like the chorus a lot, and the ...