Dream
Looking up at me
With an innocent face,
Begging for me to be on her side.
Reaching down to take her out of the well;
I fell in myself.
I hit my head on a brick
Was slightly further out than the rest.
It reminded me of a friend,
Whom I hadn’t expected to be so creative in their thinking.
My lips curved up.
Then got knocked out from hitting my head…
Oh yeah.
Happiness is overwhelming.
I woke in a flower patch,
She came storming in and slapped me.
I turned into a bunny with a broken leg,
I didn’t hop,
Instead walked in a weird damaged way.
Until she caught me,
And put me inside an amplifier.
I got shocked with music,
Which carried me back to reality.
That other friend came and got me out,
She spoke some sense into me,
That made me have an everlasting thought.
I believe nobody has completed it.
Simply because the world isn’t completed.
Yet.
She drove me home.
I didn’t imagine there to be a home,
It didn’t quite fit with my life.
I found my family.
They looked different…
Older.
And I was here,
Alone,
In a seemingly opposite universe.
They'd built a well,
Smack in the middle of the lawn.
I peered in, and there she was,
With that innocent face again...
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Weird! In a good kind of way.
Apart from the appalling "brung" there didn't seem to be anything that needs correction.
It was interesting. Definitely not like anything else i've ever read, which is why it caught my attention. (That's good!)
Moving on to SUGGESTIONS!
Make it flow better! You are telling the reader what is happening. First, second, third, this happened, that happened, whatever. Show me what's going on! Make me get lost in the story! I don't want to concentrate on the writing, i want to focus on the story.
It can have a dreamy quality and a story quality all in one.
And finally, THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS BRUNG! It is Brought!
"I got shocked with music which brung me back to reality"
Definitley a no.
Bring, brang, brung?
shudder.
So, nice story. I like how it's so far away from typical, main-stream stuff.
=)
This was interesting. More of a series of broken images than a coherent story, and the last line makes me wonder if this is a story at all, or just supposed to be a message. If so, I think this would be better translated into a poem. Other than that, the imagery was good, and it had a good flow.
-Tony