Swires

I think Eleinasari caught everything. Yes - This should be rated to PG-13 I think. This read very much like "I was, I was, I was" Avoid verb forms of ...

Once upon a time, there was a very, very confused princess, who could never make up her mind. Whether it was deciding to have roast duck or stuffed goose, or ...

Alright first of all, GREAT story. I thought it was one of the best things I've ever read. I was sad too. In the end. Second, you might need to ...

Yes, the first paragraph needs work. At the moment it isnt really pulling the reader into the chapter. My parents died when I was three, so I barely remember them, ...

I'm curious to where this is going. This seems really short, and the ending is really abrupt. What's going to happen once they get to Grissom's office? What exactly is ...

As I stepped into the road, I turned and looked at my boyfriend of 3 months - Alex. That's when the car hit me. That's when my life changed forever. ...

Yes, the prologue needs to be axed and turned into an appendix or a library of terms. Chapter one seemed to be an info dump - this reads more like ...

This was indeed a piece of quality work which I enjoyed as much as Griffin above. One thing I do notice is your reluctance to use "said". Said is a ...

This was amusing yes but I arnt sure whether the content was good enough to get laughs. I didn't laugh but I can see the humour in the content - ...

What is faith? Is it what we see, know, hear, feel, or believe? I like the one word lines here but I arnt sure if the commas are necessary, it ...

Im just going to disagree slightly. -Don't start your sentences with 'but'. Why not? Example 1 Running through the tunnels, Derren brandished his torch-light and used a little magic to ...

Mmm... for a 12 year old its pretty good - for general fiction it was very bland in the English Language area. I felt the sentence contruction was dull and ...

Ok - I didn't see your age. This is good for your age, my writing was atrocious when I was 13 (and bits of it still is). Dragon stories are ...

Again I stopped once I saw those present tense verbs. The question is: Why? Why write in present tense when a story can be told much better through the past ...

Ok some pointers: :arrow: Without more of the story we cannot see this in context and cannot judge the story as a whole or even begin to look at character ...