Young Writers Society

Good ^^ I like your "bad guy"

Yes, Example 2 is a modern piece of mine, It was a little back history in story form, I am still playing around with characters for my newest project.

Is No. 2 in any of your work?

Nexus wrote:Though sometimes focusing description in certain areas can be effective to make it more exciting, scary etc. However i think i might have failed miserably at that.

He can be seen every day ambling around the woods with his dogs lapping up their freedom obeying his every command. He scours the woods as if they were his, rampaging around them like a king in his realm. He struggles with the hills but age will not defeat him as he goes on living every part of the day. The pain is like daggers being forcefully twisted into his old dilapidated knees but he will not let this overthrow him. His stature is not what it used to be he now appears smaller and walks with a slight stoop. His golden locks are no longer there instead a shiny bald head like a diamond radiant in the brilliant sun light. When he comes to shake my hand his veins are like worms slithering through his soft tissue like skin. His face remains hard and strong after many years of wear, he has few wrinkles but the ones he has are thick and deep like rivers streaming down the side of his rosy red cheek. His eyes are like pools of water rippling in the breeze, his prominent nose like a captain’s hook hunched over the top of his dry solid lip. His mouth is like a whirlpool swallowing me in with every word he speaks.

He is full of wisdom and knowledge releasing his gift to me when he tells of old times. Although modern technology gets the better of him he is keen to learn new things and when on the computer he is like a child learning to read for the first time. Now retired he wallows in his bored, tiresome mind looking for an outlet to exercise his brain. His interests now are focused on my sister and me, his only grandchildren. He takes interest in our school work and the health of our bodies and minds.

When he comes to visit we enjoy our time together and when he leaves we always say goodbye Grand dad knowing it could be the last and final time.

The girl breathed heavily, her breath condensing on the bronze dagger at her neck. Derren held it there for many moments, waiting, waiting. But, how long he could wait depended on his daring to continue with his task.

The church was alight with candles and torches, a strong heat. The religious pendant around his neck grew heavy with exhaustion. He leaned forward and looked into the girl’s eyes to find tears which, moments later, flooded over her face. He raised an eyebrow.

“Why do you cry, girl?” He spoke and forced the knife a fraction further so she pushed against the wall. She was silent.

“Hush now,” he whispered to her and kissed her softly on the forehead. He bit her skin delicately drawing a droplet of blood. She screamed for only a moment before Derren forced the knife through her throat.

And yeah i'll check that website out

Though sometimes focusing description in certain areas can be effective to make it more exciting, scary etc. However i think i might have failed miserably at that.

Griffin is right - his crit on my pathetic and overly elaborate attempt at urban fantasy woke me up and I saw the light "Why do I need this description?"

Griffin I believe you need to update your rig with your new title: "The Purple Nazi"

http://hollylisle.com/fm/Workshops/description.html

Will help loads as I mentioned in my previous post.

Thanks, I'll take that on board, while some bits you got rid i might have kept, i suppose I do agree with you on your general point.

Thanks

Wow, a gigantic slug of purple prose. Let me see if I can help you improve this. I took your post, and edited it. Here's my version.

The last [s]slithers[/s] rays of sunlight faded [s]from[/s] over the horizon and a forlorn grey darkness [s]consumed[/s]came over the sky. As the dark clouds massed overhead, [s]like carrion drawn to a carcass, knife-like[/s] rain [s]seared[/s] came down from the heavens. Akin lay there, on the scarred ground, his [s]deep azure[/s] eyes fixated on the Great Mora... The hinges began to creak and [s]with sounds like that of a weeping demon [/s]the [s]D[/s] door began to open. Then the rain [s]was as ice[/s]became ice, erupting into [s]glass-like[/s] shards as it hit the ground[s],[/s]. T[s]t[/s]he granite underfoot was encrusted with a numbing frost[s], and proceeding[/s]. F[s]f[/s]rom within the depths of the Great Mora, Akin could [s]clearly[/s] see an emerging talon...

So basically, I took all the weird and unnecessary descriptions and axed them, or replaced them with something that was easier to visualize.

Avoid comparative descriptions (it was like) that are hard to understand. Some of these comparisions were silly.

like carrion drawn to a carcass

Ok some pointers:

Without more of the story we cannot see this in context and cannot judge the story as a whole or even begin to look at character or story line.

This is way too over descriptive and melodramatic. Do not just throw description in en mass use it through a character. Holly Lisle, acomplished author has a description workshop which is excellent: http://hollylisle.com/fm/Workshops/description.html

Why are you asking us whether you should continue? You continue for yourself, you need to be inspired by your idea and character to want to sit down and write about your world and storyline. You write for yourself, it is not for members of YWS to decide whether to continue, it is however our job to point out how you can make your work so much more flowing and gripping.

/End

not realy just a random name for the protagonist

It's not much to by, but it seems that the story could be interesting. Though I agree, you perhaps have too many similes in there. To a point they add to the descriptions, but it's possible to have too many.

Just curious, but is there any significance to him being name Akin? I thought it was meant as the adjective at first, and it threw me off for a second.

But thanks anyways

Ah yes but if i took out Akin the whole book would make no sense, as i said it is an extract, not just a random paragraph, if you see my point.

I would leave off the
quote:
like carrion drawn to a carcass
I think your tryuing to make your story sound all impressive, (an dto a point that is good) but I would cross that out. Why? I just think that you seem to have enough idioms already and are trying to make the sentence longer. Your making it a tough read. Also, I would delete the '...'
But I like your describtions!

Seriously though, I would have to read more...

quote:
Then the rain was as ice
Maybe 'Then the rain became ice (...)?

quote:
Then the rain was as ice, erupting into glass-like shards as it hit the ground, the granite underfoot was encrusted with a numbing frost
The seond part doesn;t make sense then, if you have 'then'. You can't use 'the' and then go on with a description of something that WAS.

And I really think that the part about Akin should be thrown out of there. What is the point of that? He is not doing anything, it just disrupts the flow.

Anyways, post more of your writing

-elein

Thanks

yeah its in the right place.

The extract seems good.

Keep up your good work.