Stori

One thing that I like: you're captured the dialect perfectly.

You've done something that's hard to do: got me interested in a school story. I'll read the rest of it and hopefully give you a good review.

I'd say this would be more effective if you actually stopped the rhymes after "one more rhyme." That's only myself, though.

The voice chuckled. "What about service?" If this is the voice speaking, there's no need to start a new paragraph.

Nicely done, this. There isn't much else to say.

I remember you, Dawn. My (other account) friend fire_of_dawn read your reports. You make a good point here. Just go over this with a fine-tooth comb to catch the errors.

Hey, let's practice what we preach here. This isn't the debate forum. First of all, I know I've been guilty of racism. So has everyone except for Jesus. And second, ...

The wyvern must not have been unable to understand words This doesn't make sense; it's a double negative.

Why is it that he's dressed for the day, but has his chest bare? Is that his usual attire?

I hate to rain on your parade, but please don't ever separate a sentence into individual words. It's annoying and childish.

It's usually considered bad taste to type in capital letters.

It's merely a pet peeve of mine, but writing down dreams that the character forgets is kind of frown-worthy.

That's a good question, Lav. The Ciana are the race of feline people. It's supposed to have an accent on the I, but that will take some doing.

You might try showing the cats leaving their camp. The Gathering may be routine to the Clans (and readers), but a newcomer to "Warriors" might be confused.

The only thing I could find to point out was that you tend to put a period outside the () after you already have an endmark. You'll see what I ...