Published June 2, 2011
Rage, pounding,
thoughts hounding,
Screaming, hurling,
hatred swirling.
Black as coal,
a heart so cold,
in my little hold.....
Just one time,
one last rhyme.
I cannot hide,
or escape this tide.
Just one soul,
broken and alone.
So cold,
and my little hold,
cannot contain me….
Alone I weep,
I cannot sleep,
for fear this anger will take me.
For you see,
this cold,
in my little hold,
Cannot contain me…
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
I loved it! u had great rhymes. i also like the rythm/beat that made it flow effortlessly. i could feel the power behind it as i read it! keep up the great work!
Hello there
I especially enjoyed the little repetition you had going on here.So I thought this was not that bad.
However, I couldn't help but feel like your lines were a little too choppy! Yes, I could understand what you were going for, but everything was too fast. This made your rhyming at times a bit forced, I'm afraid. I also would have liked to see the same repetition you had going on there in the first stanza as well. But hey, this was not completely bad and I like it.
Keep writing and good luck!
Well, well, well, well, well. I didnt like it that much.... I loved it. I really felt emotion in your words, I could feel every little part of your "hold", great work. One of the best I've read today. The lines were short, but they word, and the entire thing just seemed to fit. Great job, Keep Writing!
Wow, good job. The first two verses were very nice. They both had rythm and rhyme. The last verse though seemed a tiny bit choppy.
'This cold' just seems to mess up the flow. I know you were going for the whole cold thing in every verse, but is there some way you could rephase it to make the poem flow a little more smoothly?
Well, that's my only complaint.
~Dragongirl
I'd say this would be more effective if you actually stopped the rhymes after "one more rhyme." That's only myself, though.
Rage, pounding,
thoughts hounding,
Screaming, hurling,
hatred swirling.
-Very good first group of lines. Fast and it flows, which gets you straight into the rhythm of the poem. You get across almost instantly the intense emotion and the hectic presence of it.
Black as coal,
a heart so cold,
in my little hold.....
- These three lines upset the flow that the first part has made. While it also sounds jumbled up, and too much struggled rhyming going on, it kinda disrupts how the reader is starting to form it in their heads.
Just one time,
one last rhyme.
- The repition of 'one' doesnt sound very good here. But it helps us to see that this poem is more ( maybe ) focused around yours, the authors, own feelings, as if the poem is addressing us.
I cannot hide,
or escape this tide.
Just one soul,
broken and alone.
- This gives some good imagery. But... the whole rhyming structure of your poem seems all over the place.
I'll stop there. It's a good poem, just with a few irregularities. Keep writing.