Great story, Emily. I can't wait to read the rest!
- Bianca
Brooklynn is a type one diabetic. Anna's issues will be explained shortly. Be brutal when you critique
Anna
One thing I’ve noticed about life is there are a lot of “supposed to’s”. I’m supposed to do my homework. I’m supposed to be nice to my siblings. Adults have the “supposed to” bug too…they’re supposed to vote, supposed to keep their house clean, supposed to keep in shape.
I’m also supposed to be deaf with severe lung damage—I’m not.
I’m giggling like a fool as Brooklynn and I show off our new dance team moves to Ryan. I like this way better.
“You guys are weird,” Ryan rolls his eyes and reaches for a Gatorade in the big drink cooler. Brooke and I get in line behind him even though we’re not buying a lunch. Brooke nudges Ryan, and he hands us both bottles of iced tea.
“Oh, and you’re so normal?” I ask Ryan. “I don’t think so.”
Brooklynn giggles. “I love the dance team.”
“I know.” I say. “Were you at that water break last night—“
“Oh my god, with Sarah and—“
“Her accents? Yes!” We both burst into hysterical giggles. Ryan huffs and shoves past me.
“Hi, what can I get for you?” the lunch lady asks him.
“Um, hey, cheeseburger and fries please?”
Brooklynn and I watch in disgust as a greasy square of meat goes on a ghostly-white bun, a plastic piece of cheese goes on top and the Styrofoam tray squeaks when cardboard fries are put on the side. He thanks the woman, the tray squeals under his touch and I shake my head.
Once we’ve paid, we make our way to stake our lunch time territory for the rest of the year. The three of us and a couple other friends claim a table in the corner—it’s perfect for our little group. It’s round, has 6 seats, but we can make it seat 10 or 12 if need be. Near the microwave, and near the window.
I snag a seat between Ryan and Brooke, and a handful of kids join us. We know Hayley and Jessica from the dance team. Logan and Tyler have been friends with Ryan for years.
As the rest of us dig into our lunches, Brooklynn counts. She has numbers in big bold Sharpie on all her food: carb counts. I watch her do the math in her head, before she sighs and retrieves her pump from her back pocket. She presses a few buttons, shaking her head. “Damn it!” she mutters when it beeps.
“You okay?” I whisper. The boys are fighting over something, and Jessica and Hayley are at the microwave. I ignore them, and nudge Brooklynn again. “Everything okay?”
She shakes her head. “Yeah, yeah,” she fools with her pump a little more, then shoves it back in her pocket, carefully tucking the tubing under her tank top. “I just hit the wrong button and couldn’t get out of it.” She sighs, forces a smile and opens her chips. “I’m good.”
I’m about to say something else, when Logan’s pageboy cap slides across the table into my lap.
“Anna!” Tyler claps his hand. “Give it to me.”
I toss it to him and let the boys continue fighting…but Ryan stays out of it.
“If Mrs. Johnson talks in that stupid monotone all semester,” He picks up a cardboard fry and twirls it around. “I think I’ll have to kill myself.”
I have to agree. “Her voice is horrible, but the class won’t be bad.”
He swallows and shakes his head. “I’m gonna hate that class.”
“You don’t like science.” I point out. “Wanna strawberry?” I hold out the container.
He takes one. “Thanks…and how can you like science? Especially chem…boring and too much math.”
“You’re looking at a health nerd, mister.” I pop another strawberry into my mouth and smile as Jessica and Hayley finally sit down.
“True,” he says, helping himself to another strawberry I didn’t offer. “You want to be a doctor?”
I shake my head. “Ryan, do I look smart enough to be a doctor?” He opens his mouth, then shuts it again. “That’s right, don’t answer that.” I giggle.
“What do you want to be?” he asks.
“Not a doctor…I spend too much time with doctors. Maybe a teacher or something like that.”
He nods. “I can see that, you’re good with kids.”
“Understatement of the year,” Brooklynn pipes up. “She’s totally incredible with kids.”
“Especially for being the youngest in your family.” Ryan adds.
“Whatever,” I say. “So what do you want to be?”
He shrugs. “I dunno.”
Eventually, Jessica and Hayley leave to talk to other people, and Tyler gets up in search of his girlfriend. But the rest of us are just hanging out, when Brooklynn mentions something I didn’t expect.
“So, Anna, I met a really cute guy earlier.”
“Really?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Bye.” Ryan says quickly. “Logan, let’s go.”
“Bye,” I giggle. “They can’t stand anything. But tell me about him!”
She shrugs. “I just showed him around. He’s new.”
“Is he your age?” I ask. “ I mean, in your grade?”
“No, senior. He was in Gates. But he was pretty cute. A little taller than Ryan, dark hair…like really shaggy kind of, but not long and gross, it wasn’t even that long. Just…sticking up a little, ya know?”
I nod. “Was he nice?”
“He seemed kind of shy, but he’s new. It’s cool. He was really like, broad, and husky-ish. Almost…rugged?”
“Uh-huh.” I’m laughing, totally into it. “I’m really proud of you. That sounds awesome!” I realize I’m totally wiped out and a little dizzy. The chair sways underneath me. “Hey, can we head back to my locker? I think I’m dropping.”
Her smile fades and her face softens in concern. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I just want to check. I think I had a little too much caffeine today.” My heart feels like it’s running a marathon inside my chest. My hands feel a little like they’re floating away; pins and needles stick my fingers. “I’ll be fine, let’s just go.”
You've done something that's hard to do: got me interested in a school story. I'll read the rest of it and hopefully give you a good review.
Brooklynn is a type one diabetic.
I’m also supposed to be deaf with severe lung damage—I’m not.
I like this way better.
has 6 seats, but we can make it seat 10 or 12 if need be.
Fair warning, you did tell me I could be brutal 
One thing I’ve noticed about life is there are a lot of “supposed to’s”. I’m supposed to do my homework. I’m supposed to be nice to my siblings. Adults have the “supposed to” bug too…they’re supposed to vote, supposed to keep their house clean, supposed to keep in shape.
I’m also supposed to be deaf with severe lung damage—I’m not.
I’m giggling like a fool as Brooklynn and I show off our new dance team moves to Ryan. I like this way better.
“You guys are weird,” Ryan rolls his eyes and reaches for a Gatorade in the big drink cooler. Brooke and I get in line behind him even though we’re not buying a lunch. Brooke nudges Ryan, and he hands us both bottles of iced tea.
“You guys are weird,” Ryan rolls his eyes and reaches for a Gatorade in the big drink cooler. Brooke and I get in line behind him even though we’re not buying a lunch. Brooke nudges Ryan, and he hands us both bottles of iced tea.
“Oh, and you’re so normal?” I ask Ryan. “I don’t think so.”
Brooklynn giggles. “I love the dance team.”
“I know.” I say. “Were you at that water break last night—“
“Oh my god, with Sarah and—“
“Her accents? Yes!” We both burst into hysterical giggles. Ryan huffs and shoves past me.
“Hi, what can I get for you?” the lunch lady asks him.
“Um, hey, cheeseburger and fries please?”
Brooklynn and I watch in disgust as a greasy square of meat goes on a ghostly-white bun, a plastic piece of cheese goes on top and the Styrofoam tray squeaks when cardboard fries are put on the side. He thanks the woman, the tray squeals under his touch and I shake my head.
Once we’ve paid, we make our way to stake our lunch time territory for the rest of the year. The three of us and a couple other friends claim a table in the corner—it’s perfect for our little group. It’s round, has 6 seats, but we can make it seat 10 or 12 if need be. Near the microwave, and near the window.
I snag a seat between Ryan and Brooke, and a handful of kids join us. We know Hayley and Jessica from the dance team. Logan and Tyler have been friends with Ryan for years.
As the rest of us dig into our lunches, Brooklynn counts. She has numbers in big bold Sharpie on all her food: carb counts. I watch her do the math in her head, before she sighs and retrieves her pump from her back pocket. She presses a few buttons, shaking her head. “Damn it!” she mutters when it beeps.
“You okay?” I whisper. The boys are fighting over something, and Jessica and Hayley are at the microwave. I ignore them, and nudge Brooklynn again. “Everything okay?”
She shakes her head. “Yeah, yeah,” she fools with her pump a little more, then shoves it back in her pocket, carefully tucking the tubing under her tank top. “I just hit the wrong button and couldn’t get out of it.” She sighs, forces a smile and opens her chips. “I’m good.”
I’m about to say something else, when Logan’s pageboy cap slides across the table into my lap.
“Anna!” Tyler claps his hand. “Give it to me.”
I toss it to him and let the boys continue fighting…but Ryan stays out of it.
“If Mrs. Johnson talks in that stupid monotone all semester,” He picks up a cardboard fry and twirls it around. “I think I’ll have to kill myself.”
I have to agree. “Her voice is horrible, but the class won’t be bad.”
He swallows and shakes his head. “I’m gonna hate that class.”
“You don’t like science.” I point out. “Wanna strawberry?” I hold out the container.
He takes one. “Thanks…and how can you like science? Especially chem…boring and too much math.”
“You’re looking at a health nerd, mister.” I pop another strawberry into my mouth and smile as Jessica and Hayley finally sit down.
“True,” he says, helping himself to another strawberry I didn’t offer. “You want to be a doctor?”
I shake my head. “Ryan, do I look smart enough to be a doctor?” He opens his mouth, then shuts it again. “That’s right, don’t answer that.” I giggle.
“What do you want to be?” he asks.
“Not a doctor…I spend too much time with doctors. Maybe a teacher or something like that.”
He nods. “I can see that, you’re good with kids.”
“Understatement of the year,” Brooklynn pipes up. “She’s totally incredible with kids.”
“Especially for being the youngest in your family.” Ryan adds.
“Whatever,” I say. “So what do you want to be?”
He shrugs. “I dunno.”
Eventually, Jessica and Hayley leave to talk to other people, and Tyler gets up in search of his girlfriend. But the rest of us are just hanging out, when Brooklynn mentions something I didn’t expect.
“So, Anna, I met a really cute guy earlier.”
“Really?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Bye.” Ryan says quickly. “Logan, let’s go.”
“Bye,” I giggle. “They can’t stand anything. But tell me about him!”
She shrugs. “I just showed him around. He’s new.”
“Is he your age?” I ask. “ I mean, in your grade?”
“No, senior. He was in Gates. But he was pretty cute. A little taller than Ryan, dark hair…like really shaggy kind of, but not long and gross, it wasn’t even that long. Just…sticking up a little, ya know?”
I nod. “Was he nice?”
“He seemed kind of shy, but he’s new. It’s cool. He was really like, broad, and husky-ish. Almost…rugged?”
“Uh-huh.” I’m laughing, totally into it. “I’m really proud of you. That sounds awesome!” I realize I’m totally wiped out and a little dizzy. The chair sways underneath me. “Hey, can we head back to my locker? I think I’m dropping.”
Her smile fades and her face softens in concern. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I just want to check. I think I had a little too much caffeine today.” My heart feels like it’s running a marathon inside my chest. My hands feel a little like they’re floating away; pins and needles stick my fingers. “I’ll be fine, let’s just go.”
See there are twenty more chapters of this written so yes, their personalities are shining through!
I think it's working okay so far but like I've said before not that much has happened. I think that it'll be useful to write it like this once the medical issues start to show more. Also once you get the hang of writing like this your characters personalities will start to shine(:
~peanut~
Haha lucky your dad's in English. My dad is an engineer! We bicker all the time cause he's so analytical and I'm so creative. I often write in first person, but the multiple POV is throwing me off a little. I'm not gonna be disappointed, because I have big dreams for this story. Thanks for all your help btw, do you think the multiple POV thing is working so far?
Emily, it's going to be awesome when you get it all straightened out. Once you get going the grammar stuff will be less also. My dad's an English teacher and author. Ink is in my blood. If you need any help with grammar and such don't be afraid to ask. I'd love to help with anything. Especially with the multiple P.O.V's one of my novels is with 5 so I can help sort out details and such. (:
~peanut~
wow Sarah that's a lot of nit-picking 
It wasn't too harsh, just a lot to take in. I did tell you to be brutal. I re-read the chapter and completely get what you're talking about. I was so focused on the dialogue that I didn't use enough imagery. The characterization usually isn't an issue for me, but in the first part of this story, it was. I'm so set on what I tell when about their pasts, that the characterization is weird. I'm a little hopeless with grammar and will admit it haha. I completely understand what you mean. This story is a bit of an experiment for me...I've never had so many different story lines cross or used so many points of view. I'm working on it! I just have to get what's in my head on paper.
I'm so nit-picky and I'm going to apologize for this before you even get any further. I wrote these down as I read it so they should go along with the order of the story.
Emily, where are they!! I’m soooo lost and I’m on one paragraph into this. Why are they dancing? Why is Anna wondering about “supposed to’s” then dancing like a crazy person? And I’m not sure that that is a great way to introduce that Anna is supposed to be deaf and have a defective lung.
Okay, they are in cafeteria. You should tell the reader a little bit sooner or drop tiny hints because I had no clue.
“Um, hey, cheeseburger and fries please?”
Brooklynn and I watch in disgust as a greasy square of meat goes on a ghostly-white bun, a plastic piece of cheese goes on top and the Styrofoam tray squeaks when cardboard fries are put on the side.
He thanks the woman, the tray squeals under his touch and I shake my head.
Near the microwave, and near the window.
I snag a seat between Ryan and Brooke, and a handful of kids join us.
I watch her do the math in her head, before she sighs and retrieves her pump from her back pocket.
I toss it to him and let the boys continue fighting…but Ryan stays out of it.
“If Mrs. Johnson talks in that stupid monotone all semester,” He picks up a cardboard fry and twirls it around. “I think I’ll have to kill myself.”
“I can see that, you’re good with kids.”
“Is he your age?” I ask. “I mean, in your grade?”
I read it. Anna seems to be the opposite of Shawn, which is good- everything needs an antithesis. I never nit pick, so nothing to say there. All's great, so far!
However, I'm noticing an apparent lack of conflict in your novel. Maybe I just haven't read far enough into the story, but make sure the next chapter at least introduces some sort of problem for the characters to face.
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"Words will fail you."
Thanks Rissa. Glad you liked it. Much more to come over the next couple days! The novel is about 1/3 done, so there's much more for you guys to read/critique/enjoy
This was amazing!
I didn't see any major errors.
Brooklynn and I watch in disgust as a greasy square of meat goes on a ghostly-white bun, a plastic piece of cheese goes on top and the Styrofoam tray squeaks when cardboard fries are put on the side.
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