Hunted: Prologue

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Smallbreeze padded through the ferns, the grass cool on her paws. A small clearing was approaching quickly. She brushed aside the last of the ferns and slowly sat down at the edge of the underbrush.

"Why did you call me here?" Smallbreeze called out.

After a few moments of silence, she twitched her whiskers and turned to leave.

"Because you have a debt to pay."

Oooh, this is a nice little point to start a prologue off on right there. We've got someone moving into what appears to be a decently mysterious place from the description that we get here and then there's the mention of said someone having a debt to pay. That one immediately does manage to catch your attention as a reader and overall, this little opening here makes for a pretty good start to a scene.

Smallbreeze froze, her hackles standing on end with the chill of his voice.

"I have nothing to present to you."

The voice chuckled.

"What about service?"

Oooh, now that was a properly chilling exchange of dialogue right there, you've barely got two lines there, but the lack of much description and the weight each line manages to carry despite how simple each line is all comes together to make a properly chilling statement there about how this protagonist here has nothing to offer but this other mysterious figure demands some sort of service from them.

Smallbreeze took the chance to pelt away from the clearing.

The last thing she remembered hearing from the voice was:

"Hah, you can't run forever, Smallbreeze... Soon... You will be mine..."

Well..that makes for a lovely ending there. We've got this protagonist making one of the smarter moves that I've seen a protagonist makes and just run full tilt as far away from the person doing the threatening as possibly, but the chilling message that follows there makes for a powerful ending to this here prologue.

Overall, I'd say this is a job pretty well done right here with this little prologue managing to get your attention as a reader and make you interested to see how this cryptic and threatening massage might come up later.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

The voice chuckled.
"What about service?"

If this is the voice speaking, there's no need to start a new paragraph.

"Why did you call me here?" #8040BF ">She called out.

Smallbreeze froze, her hackles standing on end with the chill of his voice.

#8040BF ">Do hackles really 'stand on end'??

Very, very interesting start.

I'm guessing this is a bit of a fan-fiction off the Warriors series? Sorry, if I'm mistaken.
I love how you start this and I will definitely be reading the first chapter. No other problems (that I saw) other than the two above.
Good job

Keep writing,
Alzora

Hi, Allie!

This was so short, I don't know how much I can say, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

First, for future reference, you might want to space out your paragraphs. The site eliminates all indenting when you post, and in longer pieces, a huge chunk of text without any spaces can get hard to read, and turn readers away. No worries for now, though.

Now onto story stuff.

I really liked Smallbreeze's name! I couldn't tell you why, exactly. I guess names for wolves(?) can get really cheesy sometimes, or just ridiculous. But her name reached a good balance between the two extremes of being boring/meaningless and over-the-top.

I also like your dialogue. You didn't overdo it, and yet you conveyed a lot. Best of all, you didn't give in to the urge to spend paragraphs and paragraphs explaining various things. In fact, you didn't explain very much at all--and that's awesome. Even if short, this was an effective prologue because you didn't ramble on about, "There's a world called ___ and in it are wolves, and they can be bound to service to this ____ and on and on and on and she was called Smallbreeze because of ____."

This prologue succeeded in doing what a prologue's supposed to do. My interest is peaked, and I have a sense of the characters. You've presented a big conflict. We know something about the world. That you did that in a post that takes up less than half my computer screen is fabulous.

I'm curious as to who or what this voice is, and why Smallbreeze is running. And what this debt is. Is Smallbreeze cowardly? Hiding from her past? What would she pay the voice with? What is this service? Questions, questions.

I only have two quick notes for you on the criticism end. First:

A small clearing was approaching quickly.

Technically, that sentence says that the clearing is approaching her, not that she's approaching the clearing rapidly (she's the one moving.) Could you reword this to be more precise?

And, on a punctuation matter...

The last thing she remembered hearing from the voice was:
"Hah, you can't run forever, Smallbreeze... Soon... You will be mine..."

In that last sentence, the Y doesn't need to be capitalized. (I know, nitpicky.) Also, if you're open to suggestions, you could make the voice sound more powerful if you got rid of some of the ellipses (dot dot dots). What about, "Hah, you can't run forever, Smallbreeze. Soon...you will be mine..."? Just a thought--really all personal opinion in the end, so do what seems right to you!

'Tis a great little prologue. Let me know if you have any questions, or if there's anything I can help you with. And especially let me know when you post the next chapter.

Rach