Snoink

Er... you might want to think about making this grammatically correct, i.e., put punctuation and capitalize things. And why is it so colorful? Okay... onto the story! I like the ...

I think many of the adjectives are misplaced. For instance, "gusty." I like the word, but it really does nothing for the poem. Instead, I would like to see more ...

First of all, the prologue is like a script description of a guy. Seeing as you're not doing a screenplay, drop it. It's more interesting in the first chapter anyway. ...

I don't like the first two lines because they seem superflous. I know you're talking about God, but it really isn't necessary to say this as obviously as you're doing, ...

Lord knows I haven't read this story from all the way through, but the beginning caught me, so I looked at the first part (not all of it since I ...

This seems like a story put with indents. So basically, it's a sheep in wolf's clothing. :P Put it in regular format and don't be afraid! Just because punctuation is ...

Why do you have numbers at the end of every paragraph? It's quite distracting! You might want to edit them out so more people will want to read this. It ...

The third stanza really doesn't do anything for the poem and it seems much too angsty for my tastes. You have rich visual imagery and then a random thought. I ...

Any normal couple in that situation would have been too embarrassed to even speak to each other about the incident, but Jack and I very dignified about it. Hehehe... you ...

Ooooo... I like the idea. One thing I will suggest, because this is what caught me as far as the title, make it a little more metered. So cut down ...

Yay! I hope you have more... you better have more... *shifty eyes* Anyway, I like it! I don't think I can say much more than that, but I like the ...

Aw, this was pretty in a sad sort of way. :D One thing I would suggest; take out these lines: I dusted my hands off and looked at what I ...

Hehehe... first of all, sexual torture and the use of the f-word means instant R, not PG-13. ;) This is going to be a very general comment, mostly because I ...

Oooooo... after one skimming, this looks pretty awesome. I'm going have to read it in my spare time. ^_^ Just one comment: I know it's long and you don't want ...

T he red light of sunset drowned the Eastern Provinces, and in the town of Leurs, a ruddy-skinned man of middling age lifted his gaze to the crimson face of ...