Published March 3, 2007
Hi, I'm a new user. This is a short story I wrote a while ago. Let me know what you think.
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Mother died today. It had been a long time coming, her death. It was her own fault, people would say, because smokers get lung cancer. She could have stopped smoking ten years ago and saved her life, but she kept putting it off. She was always going to quit tomorrow, over and over again, and I believed her. I was so caught up in the idea of tomorrow, and forgot that she didn’t have many left. Once she was diagnosed with lung cancer she stopped smoking, but it was a little late then.
I dusted my hands off and looked at what I had done. I’d sorted through most of her things. It felt oddly final to put them all away into cardboard boxes, setting them aside.
When people die, reactions can be so different that it amazes me. At the tender age of sixteen, I was a rock. Everyone commented on my ability to remain strong through this destressing time. I felt horrible, not just because my mother was dead, but because I was being so emotionless about it.
I didn't cry as I sat by her in her last moments. Her last words weren’t heartfelt: she wanted me to turn off the television, and then, she died. I went from family member to family member, hugging, consoling: not the other way around. It just hadn’t hit me at that point.
I sat there on her bed, surrounded by boxes of her belongings, and crumbled. So much for being a rock; countless years of erosion took place in two seconds. I buried my face in my hands, and I began to cry. I guess when it does finally hit those strong people, it hits them hard. I allowed myself to fall off of the bed, and I pulled myself into a seated position to wrap my arms around my knees. The tears flowed slowly at first, soon intensifying until I was hiccupping with grief and gasping for breath. In an inexplicable rage, I tore open the box with her clothes, and immersed myself in them, searching for a semblance of her again. They smelled like smoke.
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Thanks for the comments everybody! I might be posting a second short story of mine in a few days. I don't like it as much though hehe
I like this a lot!
It seems like every word counts towards the story, and nothing's extra. Your descriptions are just right, not too fluffy but enough to give me a picture.
I like how she died asking the narrator to turn off the television. That's a nice break from the cliché death bed monologue.
I like this too, but it seems a little out of place. Up until then, the rock is just really briefly mentioned. I'd make it a little more significant. That's just a nitpick, though.
Your last sentence is my favorite. It's such a perfect ending! ^_^
Thanks for posting.
-Jenna
I liked it. Especially the line: "countless years of erosion took place in two seconds." I'm not sure why i like it. I just do.
It's pretty good as is. Personally, I think the whole my-mother-is-dead or I'm-orphaned-woe-is-me is sort of overused. (Have you ever noticed that that's all the books and novels are about?) but I'll admit it makes for a very good story. You wrote it very well, so that makes up for it.
Anyways, this is all totally my opinion, so don't change your whole style or anything on my expense...
Aw, this was pretty in a sad sort of way.
One thing I would suggest; take out these lines:
I don't know... I like it abstract, but this gives a concrete example and I don't think it really meshes in with the rest of the story. But this was pretty awesome. It'll be nice to read your later work.
While I really liked what you were going for, I think a little more description about the character's emotion would be helpful. I'm not sure that direct description would be the way I'd do it, but with more description of her actions. Maybe mentioning what things she's packing up, and what she's thinking about them?
(It's super hard, if not impossible, to get rid of things that belonged to a deceased relative. How long has passed between the mother's death and the scene shown?)
*sigh* Damn you, Altria. I, fyi, have nothing to do with them in particular, just... damn them.
Also, I liked it. Really good! The last line was pretty powerful too. I guess I would like another chapter, but then again I don't. But then again I do. And on and on... I think you ended it wonderfully, but I would like to see another part, I guess.
Thanks guys! Yep, it's an old work. I revised it since then though. Thanks again
I remember reading this! Perhaps you posted this on WF?
I believe this was for the WB famous first line contest? "Mother died today." L'Etranger by Albert Camus.
I have no idea what I said in response to this the first time I read it, but I do distinctly remember reading it. But it was still enjoyable. Very full of emotion, and your metaphors are spot on. The intro isn't too bland, despite it being info loaded, and the ending is so abrupt that it takes you just like the emotions seizes hold of the girl; it's perfect.
For it's briefness, it held a lot in it. That's always something good, being able to pack a lot of punch into so few words.
Wow. I really enjoyed this. It was very powerful, for a short story. I'm really impressed. Wish I could say something helpful here, but I guess just keep doing what you're doing, because it's working. Let me know when you post something new.
~Misty
This is good. It flowed well, your descriptions were wonderfully realistic and not too cliche. I loved the last line of the ending. The only thing I thought was wrong with it was that the middle paragraphs were a little short (it gave them a kind of hoppy, jolty feel) and that it didn't seem developed enough to be a story. You've got a good character there, and the beginnings of a message even, but I came away not knowing what I'd read or how I should feel, or even really feeling anything. I'd love to read more of this story - maybe it could lenghten into a novella, and there could be a few more chapters? It seemed a great beginning, a wonderful way to introduce the character, but I was left wanting more. Keep writing!
-Sophie