Snoink

This is a poem that deals with "navel-gazing." That is, it deals with the narrator's emotions and nothing else. Try extending your metaphor to stretch and encompass the world instead ...

This, for me, is all plot and no characters or action. Add some action! What happens during the fight scene? You have a brief introduction of who Jag is, but ...

Okay! I liked it! General comments.... 1. Red sucks. Change it to black. :P 2. Mention the name "Marie" earlier. It was kind of confusing. 3. How old were these ...

I liked the beginning and I liked how it had such a surreal feeling to it. Yet... I feel like I didn't really have any meaning to it. I mean, ...

It's fun playing with indents, but I think that it would work better if you made it more of a dialogue. I mean, right now it's sort of like a ...

In fiction writing, there is a saying that is "show, don't tell." The same saying can be said for poetry. ;) Right now, this is a list poem that just ...

Ooooh... I liked this. I liked the beginning, but it didn't really fit. So I would delete this: A lot of stories are told by people who are smart, or ...

Hmmm... you spelled it right before, since you're an American. For us, it's "skeptical." ;) Anyway... I liked how you described how his eyes had an effect on the narrator, ...

Yeah, YWS doesn't have paragraph indents. Instead, put spaces in between each of your paragraphs. It's much more readable that way. ^_^ First of all, what I liked! I liked ...

Hehehe, you're much improved than you were when I last critiqued you. In fact, I was kind of stunned by the improvement... you wouldn't think that much improvement in that ...

Why didn't I see this before? :P Oh well! As usual, I love your stuff and they make me feel very happy. With that said, I shall rip apart this ...

I have not read the rest of the story (bad me) so forgive me if this isn't really in depth since I don't want to read something Critical that gets ...

Wow... a psychedelic poem about mushrooms. Who would have thought? It was a lovely nonsense poem. You should be bored more often. Small nitpics: And the [should be their] stems ...

*flails* Like... this has been the only story I've read completely on YWS and when I saw it updated, I hoped that either this meant: 1) You had updated this. ...

Now that I read it silently to myself, the rhyming is much better. Still, when I was reading this out loud, most of the lines didn't run together very smoothly. ...