Snoink

The narrator of the poem actually seems pretty biased. He's pointing out all these shallow things and then he points out to us that, lo, her heart is gold. But ...

Sue me. I thought it was a fiction story at first. So I was looking at the dialogue and the description coming with the lines with the dialogue, thinking, "Wow, ...

If I were in your shoes, I would choose a nice chocolate bar. That would be good. As it is, it is a little vague. For instance, you say that ...

I like this part, because it actually talked about what the main character did rather than just her feelings: 'Jenny, Jenny, Jenny is dead. Murdered by someone, with a guilty ...

This poem is all about the narrator. Unfortunately. Masks may be a good image, but it depends on the mask. If I use my incredibly wild imagination, the "you" in ...

This is an info dump. Keep it, for your own information purposes, but don't use it in your story. Start with chapter one, with your characters and plot, and describe ...

Okay. I shall critique the prologue. Ready? Set? Go! “No,” The woman gasped, “What are you doing?” A man walked towards her with a knife. Well... I got to admit, ...

Remember, spellcheck is your friend. Picture this if you will: you are walking in the grocery store and a whiny two-year-old is flailing his arms aroun and screaming, "No! No! ...

Aw.... this isn't quite a proper story yet. You introduced your character and the conflict, so now you need to have a conclusion! What happens at the end? Good luck ...

It's kind of repetitive. I guess it's a little cute, but it seems a bit too cliched too, and the lines seem like a conglomerate of lines from love songs ...

I enjoyed your story very much! I had my sister read it and we both read it together. On first glance, I thought the dialogue was too simple, etc., but ...

Yeah, definitely keep it "there are" instead of that made up rhyme you have. I don't really like the beginning and ending lines, the pitter-patter ones. The beginning one, I ...

This part is the most interesting part of the poem: Tick tock, Tick tock. Time is passing by And all I do Is sit here looking Out my window Watching ...

Don't have him rub his toes -- this might make the toes fall off, and that is bad. And cut this part out, "and prayed he would live to see ...

Brutality? Sign me up! :D Um yeah. Lucy already dealt with grammar and stuff (I think--I only skimmed it) so I might be repetitious, but yep! Continuing on... The air ...