Young Writers Society

Thanks a lot, I kinda forgot about the whole rhyming thingy... :S XD That's really helpful.

wow this poem was absolutley amazing

Thanks for the comment, but I've always sucked at poetry that's why I try and stick to fiction!

It never stops,
gnawing away at me

Thanks for the comment, but I've always sucked at poetry that's why I try and stick to fiction!

I'd have to agree with the first review. I like this and I don't even know why, and I like that it made me like that!

I also agree that you could add a little more imagery and make it even better, but great work, thanks for the read!

I liked the ending, like snoink did but he rest was.... eck. I don't know. Too idea rather than thing. I think you need to do something else with that part, because I don't get anything from it, I get a lot more from the ending section. I'm not sure what you wanted to do with this poem; it reminds me A Tale Tell Heart because she seems to be guilty and feeling it, but... then it's telling. I think it would be better if it wasn't from her POV and showed more.

I really did enjoy this work, darling! Especially the way you capitalized "Guilt" gave a nice touch, but I'm not over-fond of your use of the word "Scrambling." It just feels too...vague, I guess, you could go for a much stronger/more vivid verb here.

I like this part, because it actually talked about what the main character did rather than just her feelings:

'Jenny, Jenny, Jenny is dead.
Murdered by someone,
with a guilty head.
If the police find her they'll lock her away,
For absolution,
she'd better pray...'

The rest was too... internal. Bring out the conflict into reality.

Thank you! I may edit this someday but I wrote this a very long time ago.
Thanks for the comments!
Charlotte

I liked it, despite what others had to say *glares at Cornelius person*. I read something someone said about blood on your hands... I liked it. It's good anyways. Good job (I'd feel guilty too, if I had murdered someone!!)

This peice is finished and isn't that great and can't really ever be. Write something new now.

Thank you again for the comments, I have edited it once again.
Its nice to hear what you all think of it.
Charlotte

You hade me until you said:

Remember last Tuesday? With the blood on your hands?
Why can't you wash it off, Charlotte? Why?"

Hi everyone!
I've edited it again now, so if you could just crit it, I'd be much obliged.
Thank you in advance!
Charlotte
The Charcoal Queen of Darkness

It has potential, I'll give you that. At this stage, though, I have a few problems with the piece:

1. Punctuation. That's the thing - there is none. Or rather, there's too much, if you see what I mean. Capitals are not necessary on every single line; they break up the flow and make things awkward, especially when the sentence runs on from line to line. Nor are full stops necessary at the end of every line - just at the end of every sentence. So, for example:

I shake myself, cast out the demons.
But Guilt never leaves.
it sticks and flows through my very blood.
Traps my soul and crushes it.
Only one thing will get rid of this curse.
Give up, stop hiding
Show that I am sorry.

would be better off as:

I shake myself, cast out the demons,
but Guilt never leaves;
it sticks and flows through my very blood,
traps my soul and crushes it.
Only one thing will get rid of this curse:
give up, stop hiding,
show that I am sorry.

Or something similar, anyway.

2. Flow. Some of your line-breaks devastate the flow IMHO, particularly in the first few lines. Also, it doesnt make much sense to say you shake out the demons and then say "Guilt never leaves". It might be more coherent if you said something like, "I shake myself to/trying to cast out the demons." Also, what is the point in explaining that only one thing will remove the guilt if the narrator is unable to take this action? Perhaps if you explained WHY s/he cant, we would understand better and the poem would make more sense.

3. I find this an interesting topic (Guilt) and while some of your ideas are undoubtedly cliche your personification of the emotion is intruiging. I want to hear more about the guilt, however, and less about how to get rid of it. At this point, I only feel a surface connection with the emotion you're describing. Try something more visceral. What is this guilt about? Why does the narrator feel to chronically unable to rid herself of guilt? If you've read Macbeth by Shakespeare, Lady Macbeth and her inability to wash the blood off her hands is a great example of a guilty metaphor. Perhaps you could think about the topic more deeply, and address it in a way that is more personal and immediate for the reader. As it is, we have no emotional investment in your poem, because however much we may agree that this is what guilt does we're not made to actually experience your guilt. Do you see what I'm saying?

4. Repetition. You repeat yourself a lot. I think this poem would benefit from some trimming down, removing some of the repetitive bits.

5. Could use a bit more...well, imagination. Imagery and metaphor should perhaps be developed a bit more to make this more accessible to the reader. Try to meet us on common ground, if you see what I mean.

Hope that helped, I quite enjoyed reading this - you have a good sense of rhythm and there were some interesting images in there. Will look forward to reading more of your work.

Cheers,
~bubbles

I do not know what it is about this piece of writing but you had me coming back to it over and over to it so this was very good and I do not know why I like it but I just like it It is kinda hard to explain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!