Published August 30, 2007
[pre]You're my heartsore.
I ache terribly inside.
Dwelling, stabbing, angst.
Why do you insist on doing this to me?
I can't help who you really are deep down.
You've lied to me for the last time,
You are my heartsore.
I've discovered the truth,
My world's growing colder.
Where are you, dear Sunrise?
You are DEFINATELY not who I thought you was.
You are my heartsore.
||To Be Continued...||[/pre]
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139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
This poem didn't really capture me in a net of curiosity if I'm honest. Beofre the net could get there I was swooped up by the bird of boredom.
It may work for some, but now me I'm afraid. The words made no sense to me and the term "heartsore" confused me somewhat.
Try again, and see what you come up with.
AmberAngst.
This is junk. It's a poorly conceived, ineptly executed stream of gibberish that resembles millions of other pieces by beginners who reach for sentiment and come up empty.
Read the other work that's posted here and the comments it receives. Compare this piece to what you find. Draw your own conclusions.
Best,
Brad
*labels with a big red stamp*: EMO ANGST POETRY. I completely agree with Snoink, melodicatastrophe, and Meep here.
Now, how can we work on making your poetry NOT sound like the large, blood-soaked piles of similar emo-ness?
1. Read good poetry. Read the classics. Then, reread the classics. Read what people post here on YWS, and then read the critiques they get.
2. Brush up on spelling, punctuation, grammar, and all that good stuff. A poem won't necessarily be made into an amazing piece of literature by a properly placed apostrophe, but you need it. It's proper and it will help your readers take your piece seriously.
3. Practice. You can only get better by writing more and more. Practice describing things in a new and unique way. Look at a photograph or piece of artwork and just write about it, or one part of it. Don't say, "There is a man. He is looking out a window and he looks sad," because any other person looking at the same picture could tell you that. Tell your reader something he or she doesn't know. Make us look at that photograph in a way we wouldn't have before.
Good luck!
-Colleen
Oh God! Please change the font. It's a real killer on the eyes.
Change this to were.
DEFINITELY is spelled wrong.
I agree. I felt that although this poem meant a lot to the I, it lacked the depth to mean something to the reader.
Other then that, I thought it was pretty good.
Cheers,
Pros
Oh, bad: bad, bad, bad.
Now that I've said that (and sorry if it sounds harsh), I wanted to say that I like the title of the poem. You could probably work with the emotion here, but I think you need to read this thread, as well as some books of poetry. (Also, read books that deal with characters experiencing these emotions. There've got to be loads of them out there; read what other authors have done with the subject, and see how you could do the same in your own style.)
Also, what's with the weird font?
Thank you for your great opinion Mel.
I wanted to tell you that Sunrise is capitalized because it is a nickname for the one I love.
But thank you, I'm learning from my mistakes.
I must say, this poem was over-ridden with over-used cliches and choppy sentences.
That's what I read...just sentences. The lines in this poem made no affect of me at all, and I most probably won't remember it in a few seconds.
What a reader wants in reading a poem is to remember something amazing from it, to walk away wondering about something different (at least that's what I think). What I got from this poem was nothing. That's what needs to change.
The first line was not a very bad introduction to the poem (and first stanza of the poem), and I liked the fact that "you're" rhymed with "heartsore". However, this did not match with the poem as a whole because not one line rhymed. I would think you would be better off with "You are my heartsore.".
The second line did not impress me. It was a random jump from the first line to the second one, and it had no sense of imagery or understanding. It was an overused cliche, and was a random sentence. Adding some sort of adjective, to help the reader understand how and why you ache would help considerably.
The third line was not very good also. I found this line to be just words. Dwelling on what? Stabbing what?
The first line was also a cliche. You are showing the reader that you are annoyed and mad at this person, but what do they get from it? Rhetorical questions almost never work in poems, and did not work in this one. Also, what is "this"? Throughout the entire poem you seem to talk about something this person has done, but we almost never understand what it is (as Snoink was explaining), until the third line, which only gives us a glimpse.
In the second line, you show acceptance of this person's way of being after asking them why they are like this. This may work, but you need to revise these two lines. I see potential in this stanza, but it does need so much work.
I liked the first three lines. They gave us a glimpse of the great poet you are, but we only see it for three lines. This talent should be used throughout the poem, and not at the end. "Sunrise" should not be capitalized, though.
I did not like the capitalization of "definately" (which is also spelled wrong), and the word usage. "Definitely" sounds immature and naive, and could use a different word. "Was" should also be "were".
After reading "You are my heartsore." twice, the last line had no affect on me as reader. It sounded overused and uninteresting, as did the entire poem.
I do find this poem has extremely good potential, but needs lots of work and time. I look forward to reading more from you =)
Mel
This poem bored me silly. I'm sorry. It has been written a million times before. You haven't gone in depth and exlpained things such as, him lying to you. What did he lie to you about? And what was the truth? Tell us.
Make this poem your own and about your experience. Go back to your original idea and write down the details. Not just some vauge randomness.
And the line "You are my Heartsore" it just sounded so cliche.
Keep working at it
~Ferris AKA Tara~
Remember, spellcheck is your friend.
Picture this if you will: you are walking in the grocery store and a whiny two-year-old is flailing his arms aroun and screaming, "No! No! I want! I want!"
This is the effect the poem has on me.
If I understood the context of why the two-year-old is feeling frustrated, I would most likely be sympathetic towards the kid, or at least more so. But, since I cannot understand why, I can't. All I know is there is this little kid screaming, and that can get kind of annoying.
So yeah. Write poems that show us what is happening and makes us understand the situation. For example, you say the "you" of this poem has lied to the narrator. Assuming "you" is a "he", what if you gave us some actual examples? What if he lied that he stepped in dog poop and then he walked on your favorite rug? What if he lied about getting arrested... as he was talking to you from the police station. Saying that "you lied to me for the last time" is cliched and doesn't give us a grasp on the situation. And that's bad. Make it mean something.
And always remember: random screaming/heartbreak/angst is always annoying.
Okie dokie. It's good read, and it really flows (for me). I just have to comment spelling and grammar (Yay!
)
the "definately" should be "definitely," and the line should end with "who I thought you were."
Very good! I really liked it!
That is all!