Prologue
"Honey, is that you?" a female voice called into the darkness.
"Yes," came the reply, she turned around and saw her husband standing in the door way with a knife. They were staying at a small cottage in the mountians, relaxing as her husband had said.
“What are you doing?” She asked him as he walked towards her.
“You are in the way of our plans, so I have to kill you.” he replied harshly,
“Why, why are you doing this,” she demanded looking for a way to escape,
“I already told you, now that your daughter is to be killed so are you.” A faint scream was heard as the knife found its mark deep in her chest.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Several miles away a man walked into the small bar room. A lady stood behind the counter with a girl that was about ten stood at her side. He was to kill the little girl, she was in the way of his boss’ plans. He walked to the bar and smiled to the lady. She didn’t know him, but he knew a lot about her.
“What do you want?” The lady asked, her daughter hiding behind her skirts.
“A glass of water and a place to stay.” He sighed. The lady smiled, gave him the water, then turned to her daughter.
“Show him to one of the empty rooms.” She smiled, the little girl nodded and ran to a back room returning with a key. She didn’t look at the man, but walked silently up to the rooms.
“Here you go,” She said softly. The man smiled.
“Thank you,” His hand rested on his dagger, could he really kill this little girl, could he really bring himself to that level. He had a child of his own. He couldn’t bare the thought of someone killing him. He bent down to the girl’s level and pulled a shiny brass coin out of his pocket and put it in her small hand. “You keep this, its yours.” He smiled,
“I can’t, my pa says any money any one gives me goes to him.” She said glancing around. He frowned and reached into his pocket. His finger’s landed on a smaller knife that he was at first planning on using on her. He pulled it out and looked it over. It was easy to conceal and small, but it was very deadly because it would fit through a man’s rib cage with ease no matter what way it faced. It was in a small sheath that was decorated with green vinees. He had planned on drawing her into his room then killing her, but he couldn’t.
There was nothing in him that would allow him to kill this sweet little child. He extended the knife out to her, in his mind it was telling her he wouldn’t kill her. But to her it was just a gift, she didn’t know it was the gift of life. Her eyes grew bright as her fingers curled around the hilt of it. She looked up at him and smiled.
“Thank you,” She handed him back the coin and smiled, “I don’t want to have to give it to my pa.” She explained, he nodded and stepped into his room watching the girl leave. He knew no matter what, he would now be on his boss’ kill list, he would be an outlaw, and would not be able to go back home. He would have his wife meet him with their son. He didn’t care that he would have to run, as long as the girl was alive. He walked into his room and saw a man sitting on the bed.
“What are you doing here?” He demanded,
“The women is killed, you must do your part or your family will die.” The man replied harshly.
“Go back and leave me to my job.” The assassin replied in a low tone.
“The girl is to die, you don’t kill her you will be an outlaw and your family will more then likely be killed.” Came the reply.
“Get out of here before I kill you!”
“Fine, but remember she must die.” With that the figure vanished out the window and the sound of his horse's hooves could be heard. Zahara, the assassin, sat on the bed and sighed, he was going to have to kill the girl.
‘Or just leave a watcher, that is what they do, watch over people to protect them,’ the thought occurred to him and he smiled, he summoned as much of the old language as he could and called out to a watcher he had taken in when the watcher had been hurt.
‘You called me?” Tristian, the watcher asked. They were both in a white room that Zahara had created.
“Yes, I’m in need of your services.” Zahara said smiling at his friend,
“Family?” Tristian asked,
“No, I was to kill a young child, but if I do that it will ruin everything. I need you to keep her safe.” Zahara said,
“Where is she,” Zahara led him out of the white room to a picture in his mind of the bar, and then the girl. “She is a very pretty little thing. Who wants her dead?”
“I’ll tell you when the time comes, but I will not be easy to find, the fact that I am not going to kill her will put me on a death list, I and a few others are the only ones that know who has ordered her death. If she continues as planned and anyone knows that she was to be killed then that puts the man in danger and he will kill anyone to kill her. If that makes sense.”
“Enough to understand this will be a fun watch.” Tristian smiled.
“So you’ll do it?” Zahara asked,
“Of course, I’ll be there in the morning, I’m not far from there. Will you still be there when I arrive?”
“I’ll wait for you, take care.” Tristian nodded and disappeared.
Zahara sat down on his bed and laid back. He was going to have to get his family out of the town before anyone knew that he wasn’t going to kill the girl. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
*Tell me what y'all think and if I should put more of it up or not*
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Crystal, the reason the paragraphs are all funny is cause I didn't want to hurt anyone's eyes. And she lives at a bar, any sort of weapon to her is amazing
. I'll see what I can do with the Watcher part, yes they are gaurdians, and Tristian is still very alive.
Snoik, the women is simi important in the actual story, but to revile her or the girls name will mess up everything, at least in my opinion. To know the name of the wife is to know the name of the husband, which could ruin/or help the story, but I think it would more ruin it.
I'll put the rest of this section when I get it off my flash drive
Okay. I shall critique the prologue. Ready? Set? Go!
Well... I got to admit, it does start with some action which can be a good thing. Unfortunately, with this, it doesn't really work. At all. I don't really know who the woman is and, as her entrance is as "the woman" I automatically know that she is unimportant.
Also, it DOES NOT mention that the man approaching her is her husband! That's a slightly important detail (slightly) and it could make it seem so much more dramatic and tense. I mean, you can do so much more at the moment with it. For instance, what if the woman (whatever her name is) is combing her hair and talking to her husband about their daughter, and then he stabs her? I mean, yeah, the whole prologue would have to be deleted, but that is a good thing! Trust me! This prologue kind of... stinks at the moment, but it can be revamped into something SO MUCH BETTER, so I think you should take the plunge and do it.
Make the husband and wife more real though! You have him, about to sacrifice his daughter and you have the wife who is struggling to live. It holds so much promise! Just make the characters in the prologue people.
Anyway, good luck!
I think that, all in all, this is a good start. However, your paragraphs seem to be divided a little weirdly, so you might want to fix that. Also, there were a few instances where it took me a moment to figure out who was saying what, but I think that was mainly due to the issue mentioned above.
Another thing I didn't get, though maybe that was just me, was why the girl wanted the knife. If I were ten, and some guy I didn't know was holding out a knife toward me, I'd probably run away. But again, that could just be me.
Also, who exactly was Tristian? When I saw the words "a watcher he had taken care of" I thought at first that that meant Zahara had killed him, being an assassin. But then later it sounded like Tristian was alive.
And what exactly is a "watcher"? Are they guardians of a sort? Or is that just something that gets revealed later?