Snoink

Oh my... this is an old poem. It's quite amazing how you've progressed throughout the years. You've progressed a long way from this sort of ranty non-poem thing to some ...

Haha, love the title. ;) Right now, it's very abstract, but I'm yearning for some substance here. You have her listening to the record, but why does she die suddenly? ...

Right now, this character is slightly confusing because we don't know who's who. Put names to the characters! Instead of just saying, "the figure came up," describe what the figure ...

Okay. This poem made me want to commit self-flagellation, simply because if I flog my back until it's a bloody pulp, then maybe the physical side of me will match ...

First of all, welcome to YWS! :D Errant mentioned my name, though he didn't mention this story to me persay. I suppose I might be considered one of the harsher ...

Some really nice stuff here! When I read and critique poetry, I tend to read it out loud, and it wasn't completely unsmooth when I read it, which is very ...

Hehe, you had some pretty amusing typos. ^_^ He had short gelled black hair and pail white skin. pail = You want pale. :) Get a holed of yourself Sam... ...

It's too vague to be really powerful. Right now, you have a rambling, image-less poem and there seems to be no feeling involved. Take a deep breath. What do you ...

I like the beginning, because it is slightly ambiguous. Instead of telling us exactly what is happening, you use details that are not too specific and we can form our ...

The main qualm I had is it seems to be the Judeo-Christian God that you're talking about, and yet you never mention Jesus at all. Which is weird, because the ...

1) Do not comment on your poem. I deleted that post. 2) Poems that have smilies in them should be kicked into submission. Why? Smilies are cheesy. And they make ...

The reason why it's not working is because it's too rushed. You spent all this time talking about dresses, using all these bloated adjectives and everything to describe it, but ...

This has several conflicting messages. The narrator hates life and yet he would be perfectly happy if he goes to another place? Confusing! So this guy obviously doesn't really hate ...

I have to agree with kittykat. Maybe it's the several days I've spent of editing a story, but there seem like a lot of unnecessary words that were not too ...

You start off with a fairly interesting start (at least interesting for us writers anyway) but then... you get off topic. What exactly is the point you want to make? ...