Author's note: [s]A good scene for importance, but the end of the scene just doesn't feel complete. I really don't know what to do with it, so I'm turning to any ideas from the group here. Something doesn't seem right or well, but I'll leave it up to everyone. Until then.. happy reading.[/s]
Edit 1: MAJOR change. I removed a lot of the teary junk from Victoria, it didn't suit her anyways. Bruno got changed from being more terrifying to more of a easy going guy. A lot of minor stuff fixed as well, but again the ending is just a piece... I'll put up more later. Sorry for this being so short!
I promise a more revealing scene 7!
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During the long walk down to the shop, Victoria's anger had finally cooled off as she approached the old cottage that was the tailor's home and business. A proud sign painted in red with a exotic elaborate way to spell “Morgan” almost made it incomprehensible.
Knocking on the oak door, Victoria called out, “Mrs. Morgan, are you there?”
The deadbolt on the door was unlocked and slowly the door opened. The slender figure of Mrs. Morgan stood at the entrance way in a beautiful red dress then hung off of her exquisitely. Showing off a bit of skin, the dress made her womanly curves only greater as the dress flaunted her luscious and healthy body. Her long wavy brown hair was done up with little curls displaying all the fire and wildness that could be possibly be contained within her youthful figure.
“Oh my, Lady Victoria! Come on in.” she said, beckoning them forward with her hand and opening the door wide for them.
Dozens of dresses were on display, worn on the various poses of wooden mannequins with delicate brass joints. Beautiful works of art proudly displayed white nightgowns, black mourning and church vestments, suits and even everyday attire. Softly illuminated room was lit up by the lowering sun and the colors of the dresses were all dimmed from their true glory, but alone one dress stood out. A fine blue silk dress lined with ribbons and a complex floral pattern of spring flowers was painstakingly stitched across the stomach down to the seam just below the knee. With two shoulder straps it was a suggestive low-cut dress, but its radiance was captivating.
“Its perfect!” Victoria gasped as she ran over to the a mannequin from which her dress was displayed in. She ran her fingers over the soft silk and bit her lip to contain herself.
“Wonderful, perhaps you should thank our courier. Came all the way from Riventz he did,” Morgan said.
Victoria turned around as the wooden hatch to the basement was opened with a creak from the corner of the old house. A bald man ascended the stairs and caught sight of Avalon and Victoria, his deep voice filled the room softly, “This is truly wonderful! Its fits.”
Pulling himself up the stairs, he flipped the hatch closed with his sturdy steel greaves. The large man clad in shining chain mail from chest to his greaves clinked with each step as he approached them. Extending a large calloused hand out to Victoria, the two shook hands, “Bruno Weiste at your service, ma'am.”
Victoria's eyes widened as she felt the man's strong grip and the feel of his hand against her soft skin, “I am Lady Victoria Pencharmer of Blackfall, pleased to meet you.”
Bruno moved over to Avalon and extended his hand once more, “Bruno Weiste at your service, sir.”
Avalon weakly shook his hand, unable to make eye contact, “Avalon, pleased to meet you, sir.”
Mrs. Morgan clapped her hands together and said, “Oh! Lady Victoria, did you come all the way out here to pick up your dress? Sorry for the delay, I promised Lord Pencharmer it'd be there for lunch.”
Victoria smiled and shook her head, “Truthfully, I had business to attend to and just wanted to see it before the day of festival.”
Avalon scoffed behind her back, the expression on his face was not one of the fun of shopping, but rather the ceaseless boredom of being dragged around the town and shown off. Victoria turned around to face Avalon, glaring at him with evil eyes.
“Lady Victoria, is it alright with you if the delivery will be made by nightfall?” Morgan asked.
“Perhaps I could carry it to the house for them.” asked Mr. Weiste, turning back to Mrs. Morgan, “Would definitely make the trip easier for you.”
“As long as Lady Victoria approves...”
“If he is willing, then by all means.” Victoria turned to Mr. Weiste, “Would you care for dinner and a room?”
“Thank you. It will give me a chance to reacquaint with your father. That old bookworm never could hold a sword, but damn that man has got the devil's eye! Tell me, has he been practicing or is he slipping into old age already?”
Victoria bit her tongue and calmly said, “Just don't show up in the armor and he won't mistake you for an assassin.”
The large man laughed so deeply that his armor clinked as he said, “Twenty years and I have never seen a better shot. He has grown a soft spot in these last sixteen years I see.”
“Well, I must be going. Goodbye Mrs. Morgan. Goodbye Mr. Weiste.” Victoria waved as she turned towards the door and headed outside with Avalon in close pursuit.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Edit 4 times? No lol not this part. I added new stuff in cause Snoink found it wasn't going anywhere. The dress is semi-important as it shows class and how unusual Victoria is out of the social norm, even for a noble to import from another country is just rare. Avalon is being dragged through basically at this point.
Nice spot on the two errors... How they get in? Anyways fixed.
Edit: And oh yes.. it was a piece of a chapter...still not even close to being through with it after scene 7s rewrite is being done.
uh...ya.. I can't really find the words to describe how bored I was with this piece of work. I'm really dissapointed actually.
you put, "Perhaps I good carry it to the house for them?" asked Mr. Weiste, turning back to Mrs. Morgan, "Would definately make the trip easier for you."
Don't you mean, "Perhaps I "could" carry it to the house for them?"
There was another flaw, this is what you put, "...That old bookworm never could hole a sword..."
Don't you mean, "That old bookworm never could "hold" a sword?"
I can't believe you had to edit this 4 times before I got to read it. I agree with Snoink, you spent way too much time on describing the dress or dresses. Tell us more about Mr. Weiste or Mrs. Morgan. You should have told us more about what Avalon was doing at the time. It seems like he wasn't even with Victoria in this scene until you put a tiny detail about him at the end. I hope scene 7 is better than this scene.
The reason why it's not working is because it's too rushed. You spent all this time talking about dresses, using all these bloated adjectives and everything to describe it, but when the man comes in, you skirt over that and soon they're out of the store and the reader is completely confused. Get rid of the excess description in the beginning -- there's a lot of it. Instead, focus on the meeting more. It'll help make the meeting less confusing and the final scene more meaningful.