Life!!!

Everyone's covered all the bases that you need to improve this... a lot. So, I will not echo.

Keep trying.

~*Sydney*~

This is not a poem, it is an outburst with line breaks. For all our sakes, keep it in your journal.

Regarding swearing--"bitch" was only there for shock value, and that's not justification for offensive language. Think twice before you use swear words. Do you really need them, or are you just trying to get a reaction?

-Colleen

Life was hard for me also. I had to deal with a ton of insults and humiliation.

wow that is short almost scarily short but it is pretty good. (just like this comment lol)

*dies* I'm going to appoligize in advance for this critique.

This isn't poetry. Simply because something is "expressive" does not instantly make it a poem. Let's go through this line for line.


The world is a bitch Why? Find a better word for bitch. Swearing is being lazy with your literacy.
(we already know) We do? How do we know?
Our society sucks and continues to grow. Sucks is such a lame word, be more articulate than that.
But in reality there is nothing we can do So it's hopeless?
But hang on to hope Hypocricy!
And believe only what's true. What's true? All I've been told is life sucks, and we can't do anything about it.

Cliche topics such as "life sucks" are really annoying and tend to be preachy. Trust me, I've written my share and realized how bad they were later. Can I be brutally honest? Trash this and start again.

I love it because it is honest and true. Sweet and simple. Life is a bitch, but you know, what can we really do???

1) Do not comment on your poem. I deleted that post.

2) Poems that have smilies in them should be kicked into submission. Why? Smilies are cheesy. And they make your poem cheesy. And cheesy poetry is probably not a good thing.

The whole thing rhymes. But it's really too obvious to be very powerful. It's sort of like the message, "Don't do drugs!" Yes, it's short and to the point, but is it really effective? Many would argue and say no. Same with this poem. Try to demonstrate why the world is a bitch. Show us, don't tell. Then you'll get something good.

I think its expressive and thats all you need. i like it but it is short.

It's really short and kinda strong....

I should be longer...

Sorry >.< I don't really like this.

~Psychic

So, I suppose you were mad about something --whatever it was, I'm sorry. On the plus side, you've got a really strong tone to this poem...

If you can call it a poem, that is. Just because it rhymes and is arranged in stanza[s]s[/s], doesn't mean it's poetry.

Try explaining your point more, why is the world so horrible to you? Make this longer...

Well, in any case, I hope I've helped a bit.

~ Audy

Why is this poem not in your blog? Or longer and more polite? Don't mean to be harsh or anything, but its better you hear it sooner or later.

Why did you comment your own poem?