It's frustrating to know that
You're different to everybody,
and everyone thinks they know You.
We're all just curious brush strokes
and You hide Your secrets too well.
Why don't you give yourself some credit?
The Universe is quite a masterpiece,
better than some Lisa who
forgot to draw her eyebrows.
How can I talk to You,
when you're nothing to me
but a conscience?
But maybe I'm asking
for too much-
after all, I wouldn't turn left
if I know what's right,
and that's all the answers
I've ever asked for.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Sorry, it's just hard for me to put things in perspective of the reader. I'm too lazy to try, I guess. But I added a stanza just to explain who I'm talking about, so I hope that clears things up.
As a reader, I'd have to disagree. While subtlety in poetry is important, you shouldn't take it to the point of being overly cryptic. This might make sense to you, but you need to focus on reader appeal as well as having good ideas.
Good luck!
-Colleen
Made some capitalizations. Anymore than that, I'd be redefining a flashing arrow. :\
I'm assuming that you're trying to say something about Leonardo Da Vinci, but the parallels aren't quite clear enough for me to see...I'm afraid I don't understand the poem. I say, be more specific. This doesn't mean "Blurt out the meaning of the poem," it just means, "Make the poem more accessible so that readers can figure out the meaning without having their heads blow off."
I don't even know who the speaker is addressing or why. Give us some context! I'm sure all the abstract questions and accusations would make sense if I knew who was speaking, who was being addressed, and why.
The last four lines, on the other hand, are fantastic. I don't entirely know what the mean in the context of the poem, but they sound fantastic. I say, keep those and remodel the rest so that the last four lines are the perfect ending and so that they fit into the rest of the poem.
-Colleen
Lol! Well, vagueness can be used for good, not evil, and in this case it's good. SoIthink it's more of a judgment call, and you just have to be very careful.
Well that's what people criticized me for - my vagueness. I thought wrapping it up would make people happy. Please make up your minds o.0
I like the beginning, because it is slightly ambiguous. Instead of telling us exactly what is happening, you use details that are not too specific and we can form our own images. When you get to the second stanza, you lose the ambiguity and tell us everything. Don't do this! Let us form our own conclusions about the poem. Then it'll carry much more weight.
Good luck!