SishBee

Hi! I really liked the concept behind this story and you used the short story technique very well. Couple of pointers: when you are writing numbers, you should write them ...

Wow, I really liked this one because it told a story, but at the same time the reader had to think about what the persona was going through. I liked ...

I just found this last enstallment! He swilled the gin with his head bowed. It sloshed like rice oil and kisses in stomachs. This is my favourite line because it ...

Ok, there were a couple of typo's... Then I feel his hol[s]l[/s]y glow, Treating my wounds on the way to the hospital. Right, I understand the message you are trying ...

Hey, I agree with Kris, that your structure is a little disjointed. That does emphasise the quite turmoil which is taking place in the park but it does make some ...

Hey, As far as I could see, there were only two gramatical errors: The sharp end branches shook amber leaves (should this be sharp ended, or sharpened?) and Instead a ...

Can I just say that this was a pleasure to read (dispite the violence). It is wonderfully descriptive and you choose your words perfectly. If I had one criticism it ...

I don't think it was too long. You used short sentences and short paragraphs to contrast with the length of the piece which stopped the length being a problem. The ...

I really liked this piece, I thought you coveyed your emotions very well and I could tell you put a lot into this. The slightly random rhyme scheme worked well ...

Right, this is short but there is quite a lot to say. I could now feel vibrations, light at first, and then increasingly powerful. Perhaps Now I could feel vibrations. ...

I think you need to focus on the character a bit more. Also, "Miserably even" I think you meant MiserablE. :) I am now going to look at part 2... ...

I like the idea of the poem, and the message but I felt that the rhyme and rhythm were sometimes a little disjointed; although this could work because you are ...

That was good. I think you should leave the ending as it is because it is quite powerful and emphasises how quickly the relationship moved on. Certainly leave the last ...

I loved the fact that you didn't put capital letters at the beginning of your lines! It made the poem flow a lot easier and well done for breaking the ...

I am not sure about this one, on the one hand I liked how it was short and suggested the speed of the relationship, on the other hand the lack ...