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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
Wow, I really liked this one because it told a story, but at the same time the reader had to think about what the persona was going through. I liked your use of enjambment as it showed both the movement of time, and his thoughts changing.
It was very sad but I agree with the others that you lost the effect in the end line. It is as though you weren't quite sure how to end it, so you lumped that on the end. Don't worry though, it is easily fixed. I think that you should keep the internal rhyme because it brings agood conclusion to the poem, but change the words so that they don't sound as crass.
Otherwise, brilliant poem and I am glad to see another Tommy on here!
~SishBee
Hey!
In my opinion, it may work best to remove the 'it is'. I think it would be more powerful to simply remove the 'to be'. Great ending thoughWell, this is a lovely poem but I have a few comments to make. I'm not sure about the first line, I think it is very upbeat and you just want to shout it, but the next lines are more poetic and the rhythm alters immensely. So, I would recommend just putting in italics, which may counter it.
Lovely poem, well done
Yeah I agree with that - the last line is kind of a "I am getting carried away" moment lol. Thanks for the comments.
Lovely, darling, truly--I really enjoyed it. A great rhythm, good subject matter, wonderful word choice. I must say, though, that the "mi' mates" thing threw me off--you'd just used quotation marks, so I guess I just assumed that the 'period slang' (if such it be) would stop when they did. There is just one line where all the good stuff breaks down, the very last one: "I know it well. It is death's knell." You could have so easily stopped at "I know it well" and avoided a rather distressing cliche as well as a jarring internal rhyme. I'm not a huge poetry buff, but rhyming "well" and "knell" looks like an amateur's move, not at all in keeping with the rest of this poem. Overall, though, well done and quite enjoyable!