Published March 31, 2008
I wasn’t sure why I was running. Perhaps it was my lack of knowledge, or the fact that my parents would soon be awakened by the noises, and find my room empty and quiet.
The sound waves from nearby planes traveled through the thick air. I could now feel vibrations, light at first, and then increasingly powerful. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I could tell it was something that none of us had ever witnessed. That no one in the community had ever felt. Could you blame us? We were accustomed to a seamless life of pain free activity. Nothing could ready our minds for the coming danger that lurked in the skies.
Life in our community was peaceful. It seemed peaceful, but in reality that peace turned into what it really was. An illusion brought on by our lack of knowledge. That day I realized something for the first time: the world wasn’t really as peaceful as some would have us believe. I was one of the people that night that was able to witness war for the first time. At the time I wasn’t even really sure what the definition of War meant. The only thing that I knew for sure was that our leaders had not told us the entire truth. They had cheated. The planes in the distance was not the thing that shocked us in the end. It was the fact that our leaders had something that we never knew existed: weapons.
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hmmm....The descriptions are a little better, more vivid adjectives. But the character is still flat, emotionless, genderless. He/She does not seem to have any emotion on the fact that he/she is running away from something that is probably frightening. I think it would help the story to make the character more sympathetic. ^_^
The story is still interesting, it just needs a little bit more development and clarification.
Keep up the good work.
Lack of understanding of what?
If this neighborhood is so peaceful, what provoked the character into running away? Two chapters and we still don't know. It would be good to tell us sometime soon.
This was really short and I'm not sure it makes up an entire chapter. It could very easily be an extension of your last post and make that chapter longer. This is more of just thoughts, rather than action.
How do they not know about weapons? Do they know what they are, but haven't seen any in existence because of their peaceful existence? From the earliest days, man has had weapons. And how would the character have a word for them if they didn't know what they were?
Questions, questions, questions... This could use a bit more description, which might hold some answers.
*thumbs up*
Keep writing! I'll keep reading!
~GryphonFledgling
Right, this is short but there is quite a lot to say.
Perhaps Now I could feel vibrations. They were light at first but were becoming increasingly powerful.There doesn't need to be a full-stop, a comma would make it flow better.
I am not sure what you mean here.
I have made some changes to this extract.
I like the idea though and I await the next installment.
~SishBee~
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