So this is my first shot at poeetry in three years...I've been way to shy to post any.
When he left me
I nearly died
Did he not realize
What was meant to be?
Wehad so much in common
Like our love for the sea
But when he left me
He drained me of my water filled life
And now I cry myself to sleep
My tears creating lakes
As well as the waterfalls that rush in
Though I realize now
That he set me free
Our love was never meant to be.
Hope you like it! ST
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
I didn't like this too much.
Your topic, love thats not meant to be, leaves a whole mass of potential descriptions or methods for presenting it but the descriptions in the end are fairly disappointing.
The metaphor here built from the "love for the sea", is really weak - it's cumbersome and awkward.
Overall it doesn't seem to be going anywhere but keep trying; if you haven't been writing poetry for some time it may take a while to get to writing it well.
Agreed with Ami, this peice is very cliche ridden and just tells us, show not tell. Because if you show, you make use of the readers five senses, which washes them into the poem. You do try and keep it related to water, an admirable move, but not enough.
Overall: Remember, show don't tell.
Good luck
VSN
The errors and lack of punctuation really ruined it for me, I'm afraid. You lacked any real seriousness for you poetry in failing to notice the mistakes. They will cost you big time. Other than that, I didn't really hear a strong voice when I was reading. It felt as little...unsure for me. You need to show the reader your thoughts and emotions, and you need to take charge. Have confidence in your writing, as well. People will take notice.
Hope that helps,
Eimear
Sad...Not that that's a bad thing! Ilike negativity and such things like this...*Sigh*...Now you have much puntuation errors so you'll need to work on that...But I like your approach at poetry...Keep it up!
Death
i thought it was fairly good but you need to edit some and let us see your improvements
You had a few grammar errors, but I didn't go through and fix those. Make sure to edit your poems before you post it, it makes it easier to read. Other than that, cute poem, nice title. With some work it could be great. Good luck in the future!
-Lindsay
I really liked this poem! It was short, NO WAY perfect legnth! It was really touching and sweet!
GJ
I am not sure about this one, on the one hand I liked how it was short and suggested the speed of the relationship, on the other hand the lack of punctuation made it a little jumbled. You could have been using the enjambment for effect but I think it could do with the odd comma and full-stop.
But don't worry, for a first try that was great! And don't be shy about posting anymore.
~SishBee~
x
This is waaaay to short and cliche to be much at all. Sorry to be so harsh, but scrap this one or add a LOT more to it. If you have more stuff, post it! Don't be shy! You can learn a lot from everyone's advice and critique here. And remember, don't take it personally, we have all learned many lessons here.
~Yoyo
It was ok. Don't ever apologize to the readers about what you think about your poem before hand. Let them make their own predictions. Anyway keep up the good work.
Finally! It's been way to long wince you wrote poetry girl!
Now then, on with the reveiw! I like how you threw in a romantic twist. As well as the fact that you kept it short and sweet. Although it just doesn't have enough feel to it. I would make it longer, maybe. Edit after you have more reveiws.
Your friend,
D7M