Published April 7, 2008
My veins run cold,
as my heart aches
The pain I will always hold.
The night you went out,
I had no doubt, that you'd be back.
I laughed, until I cried,
up on your shoulders,
I always tried to be like you.
The snowmoblie lerched forward,
and so did you, you soared through the air.
Hugging me tight,
stopping my crying,
telling me everything would be alright.
911 quickly,dialed
God damn I was just a small child.
Spining high above ground,
my life carefree,
fun always found with you and me.
37 years old and pronounced dead,
all because you hit your head.
Thinking of memories we could've had
I will always love you.
I love you Dad.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
A fine poem built up off of raw emotion...aside from a few small spelling errors (ex: lerched is actually "lurched") this was a fine piece. The rhyming in random spots was an interesting way of putting things, but I thought it worked out in the end.
I loved the beginning of the poem but the ending fell kinda flat for me. There was a couple of lines that seemed awkward:
"The snowmoblie lerched forward,
and so did you, you soared through the air"
This was the most annoying, it interrupted the flow of the poem and put you off-balance, though perhaps that is what you intended.
Other than that I think it is a fairly decent poem. Good work!!
Thank you. You actually saw what I was trying to get across!!
I really liked this. The rhythm is off though. The rhyming is off too. It's really good and sad. You can feel the emotion of losing a loved on. As you wrote in memory of your father. This is excellent. Keep up the good work.
-Rick.
I really liked this piece, I thought you coveyed your emotions very well and I could tell you put a lot into this.
The slightly random rhyme scheme worked well at times and I think it emphasised the confused thought processes and the way in which you went backwards in time while describing the accident made it all the more powerful.
I really enjoyed this and I hope you write more.
~SishBee~
x
*rating changed to PG for instance of swearing*
Have a good day!
-Leja