Ruth

Okay. First of all, well done. I liked this a lot. You have a nice story and you're going somewhere with it. I think you're being too long-winded about it. ...

Hi, I'm Grin, queen of Narrative-land :) it's very nice to meet you. I'm with Dreamer and tigress, this could use line breaks. When I first saw this, before I ...

Woah, Flem! I think that covers my main issues. I won't go into specific examples, Flem really has everything , but just to echo the briefest points, you need to ...

Hi, I'm Grin, Narrative stalker extraordinaire Your rhyming scheme is good, which is refreshing since usually rhyming seems to be a little difficult to do in narrative poetry. My main ...

Hi, I'm Grin, stalker of the Narrative Poetry forum :) Right. This is good. I liked it. But I do have my points of improvement, as always... You've got no ...

Hi there, I'm Grin, your friendly neighbourhood obsessive critiquer of Narrative for the week. Well... wow. You have some excellent imagery here, and I'm slightly creeped out by this, which ...

As peanut said, what stood out first to me is the lack of punctuation. However, as she's covered that, I'll move onwards... Dreamer's right, too, your metaphor is a little ...

Hi july! Okay, this is a great first attempt. And for anyone struggling with going into something brand new, I would point to this and say, in a loud, commanding ...

Hi, I'm Grin. I'm with Dreamer and June - you're very jumpy. Things are happening too fast and you have major events in a short couplet and there's nowhere near ...

Hi, I'm Grin Okay. I agree with Snoink and Dreamer, you're cutting out big chunks and the reader doesn't feel the immediacy so much. And, dear, you don't need it ...

Hi, I'm Grin Okay, this was good. I liked it. It's a sensitive topic and you have handled it well, with nothing I can make out that seems likely to ...

Wow! Well, this is phenomenal stuff. I can see a few issues, but I loved it. Present tense is difficult for some people to read comfortably. I know it feels ...

That was really... interesting. No, I liked it. But I agree with cheez, the flow is struggling a little. But other than that, it's great. The content is very melodramatic ...

Hi, I'm Grin... the one falling over in amazement aty Amy's critique up there :) I liked this. You have some lovely imagery up there, and with a little work ...

Hi! Okay. When I clicked on this, my first reaction was... PUNCTUATION, darling! The story is excellent, and this is very well written. But you haven't used any punctuation. With ...