Young Writers Society

Okay so the beginning I found was kind of boring, which is not a good thing. The beginning is one of the most important parts, it's what draws your reader in, and this just didn't do it for me. As said before me, it's not always necessary to rhyme, in fact a lot of the time, when you try to force poetry to rhyme it sounds way worse then if you didn't. Like this-

Time trips on cobblestones,
a horse’s rough trail.
Its sluggish trot taking
that of only a male

Hi, I'm Grin

Okay. I agree with Snoink and Dreamer, you're cutting out big chunks and the reader doesn't feel the immediacy so much.

And, dear, you don't need it to rhyme! There are no rules in poetry, you're just supposed to be showing feelings and emotions - and in Narrative, a story. Rhyming is nice, sometimes, but here it's crippled you. You can do so much more with this, if you focus on telling the story through how your characters feel.

But this was good and it can be excellent. Just get rid of that limitation.

Hope I helped
~Grin

Opening scene: a teenager whose heart has just been broke (we assume) and who is now contemplating suicide (again, an assumption, but this time reinforced by the title).

Cut to a bumpy road, cut to a horse's tail... note the fact that the only passenger is male? Sounds like you were just going for the rhyme there.

Cut to room, presumably where dead girl now lies. Male passenger bursts into scene and upon seeing his love dead, kills himself.

It's only at that very last bit that I made the connection to Romeo and Juliet. Prior to that, it seemed like another Teenage broken heart leads to suicide poem with just a dash of woe at the beginning. If you were going for Romeo and Juliet, you might want to make that more obvious earlier one. Maybe pop a reference or two to the story or a character or key event or something. It has the potential to be a neat poem, but it still needs work to get there.


Luck!

Hey Selene!

This is what I would call a music video poem. You know how some music videos go from image to image without any congruity? This is what this poem seems like! It seems loosely based off of Romeo and Juliet (sort of) but without any context and without any emotion.

Look at what Shakespeare did with this:

How oft when men are at the point of death
Have they been merry! which their keepers call
A lightning before death: O, how may I
Call this a lightning? O my love! my wife!
Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath,
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty:
Thou art not conquer'd; beauty's ensign yet
Is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks,
And death's pale flag is not advanced there.
Tybalt, liest thou there in thy bloody sheet?
O, what more favour can I do to thee,
Than with that hand that cut thy youth in twain
To sunder his that was thine enemy?
Forgive me, cousin! Ah, dear Juliet,
Why art thou yet so fair? shall I believe
That unsubstantial death is amorous,
And that the lean abhorred monster keeps
Thee here in dark to be his paramour?
For fear of that, I still will stay with thee;
And never from this palace of dim night
Depart again: here, here will I remain
With worms that are thy chamber-maids; O, here
Will I set up my everlasting rest,
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!
Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on
The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!
Here's to my love!

I loved it

I liked your rhyme scheme, though you could use some more imagery here and there.

I thought the poem was appropriately named, and I really liked that aspect; the concept was also amazing.

8/10

Hi, I'm tennis!
Okay, so to start off... the hook was ineffective. In fact, the first stanza was counter-productive. It bored me as a reader due to the lack of understanding. It feels like you threw random phrases together. I don't mean to be harsh, but it really made no sense to me!

Woeful tears, untrue rumor
spread and dripped despair.

and smiling and laughing,
instead of cold and breaking.