Young Writers Society

Hey there!

I just want to say that it's really great of you to have picked this subject. I know people close to me have suffered from it, and it's wonderful that you've written a poem about this.

However, as you did ask for reviews I'll give you my thoughts. I think that the rhyme scheme is forced, and it just drags the poem backwards. Why not try free-form? I also think that the poem is too vague to really show any of it's true meaning. I wasn't too sure what it was about until I read your note at the end, and I think it would be really great if you incorporated more of the story into your poem.

Well done!

~Amy

Hello!

I'd have to agree with what was said before about rhythm and using stronger words. Don't make things sound forced just for the sake of rhyming; figure out what you want to say and then play with words a bit. See what sounds good and fits well.

This is a poem about hardship and abuse, so give it some of that personality. Make the poem really show the brutality of what happened. You said you want to influence people, so make it something that will horrify them when they realize that this stuff does happen regularly. That way, they'll never forget and they're likely to pass the word on.

I think it was a good poem and a good idea--something that needs to be addressed. But remember it's something you feel strongly about. Shouldn't you put all your heart into it? Give us more of a mental image.

Take care and keep writing!
Vanadis

I really like longer poems and this one delivered. Not much else to say that the others didn't cover, but I would like to say keep writing because this is one of the best pieces of poetry I have looked at lately.

And though she was tired and many injuries she had got, she laughed
For she had won the freedom for which she had always fought.

This was a very good poem, like Grin said the topic was handled very well. But I agree with Dreamer. If you read back through and focus a little more on the syllable count it will help the reader be able to read through it. It will help the flow. This is a beautiful poem but just go back through it and scratch the unnecessary words or reword some spots. Keep writing it's wonderful.


~peanut~

Hi, I'm Grin

Okay, this was good. I liked it. It's a sensitive topic and you have handled it well, with nothing I can make out that seems likely to cause offense. But, as always, I have my nitpicks:

For the chains of responsibility towards his family bound her with might.

ozasatya wrote:She could not scratch nor could she bite,
#4040FF ">8 syllables here
For the chains of responsibility towards his family bound her with might.
#4040FF ">19 here
She huffed and puffed and did her chores,
#4040FF ">8 here
Though pretending love, he hated her to the core.
#4040FF ">And 12 here. So 8, 19, 8, 12... The 19 count one is too long. It juts out of the piece like an overlong limb. It feels like it's been molded around the rhyme, rather than the rhyme being molded around it. Like, you wanted to end in the word 'might' because it rhymed and sorta goes with the poem's theme, but in order to use it and make it make sense, you needed to add a few words, which gave you a lot more syllables than you want to have if you want your poem to flow well and have power. Which is what you want, yes?

To break the damned shackles she shouted and yelped,
#4040FF ">So lets count again here and see if it's consistent with the above. So far, 11 syllables in the first line.
But none of the dictators took mercy and helped.
#4040FF ">Then 12
She soon grew tired and forsaken,
#4040FF ">Now 9
For to her no kindness had been given.
#4040FF ">And 10.

8/19/8/12 then 11/12/9/10. There's no consistency. No pattern, even. It's a bumpy, rough read. Just kill the rhymes. Poetry doesn't need tor ryhme, it just needs to be poetic. A really great way to bring your poem to life can be said in just one word: Onomatopoeia.

A frog croaks. 'Croak' actually sounds like a croak. Or Ribbit. Sounds like a ribbit. Other words include tap, tik, zip, zing, boom, bang, clang, crash, roar. All of these words sound like what they are describing. Now take it a step further. For example, gnarled. Someone has gnarled fingers. Gnarled isn't a sound, it's a picture, but you can just picture what it looks like by hearing that word. Why? Because it sounds like how it looks. Find words like gnarled, words that really convey the feeling and image that you're trying to show us. Us those words. Ditch the rhymes.

I really love how you have these motivations behind this poems that you write, it's very sweet and I think you deserve a tip of the hat for it.

It's quite the horrible topic you've picked and I really hate to discuss such things but here we are:

You're language is very plain compared to the subject you are discussing. Use harsh words would be my biggest suggestion. There are words that have vowel sounds that are harsher.

For example: hit is harsh sounding with the sharp 'T' sound
But strike is harsher with the 'st' and 'k' sound.

Experiment with your words, but never stop writing.

Kamas

Haha, this reminds me of a song called, "Woman in Chains." It goes like this:

You better love loving you better behave
You better love loving you better behave
Woman in Chains
Woman in Chains

Calls her man the Great White Hope
Syas she's fine, she'll always cope
Woman in Chains
Woman in Chains

Well I fell lying and waiting is a poor man's deal
And I feel hopelessly weighed down by your eyes of steel
It's a world gone crazy
Keeps Woman in Chains

Trades her soul as skin and bone
Sells the only thing she owns
Woman in Chains
Woman in Chains

Men of Stone
Men of Stone

Well I feel deep in your heart there are wounds Time can't heal
And I feel somebody somewhere is trying to breathe
Well you know what I mean
It's a world gone crazy
Keeps Woman in Chains

It's under my skin but out of my hands
I'll tear it apart but I won't understand
I will not accept the Greatness of Man

It's a world gone crazy
Keeps Woman in Chains

So Free Her
So Free Her