Published December 30, 2009
She could not scratch nor could she bite,
For the chains of responsibility towards his family bound her with might.
She huffed and puffed and did her chores,
Though pretending love, he hated her to the core.
To break the damned shackles she shouted and yelped,
But none of the dictators took mercy and helped.
She soon grew tired and forsaken,
For to her no kindness had been given.
Finally after years the help came,
By the time, she with grief and exhaustion had almost become insane.
The Saviour was of the family of the dictators,
But she did not have coursing through her veins their blood cursed.
Her eyes welled with tears when she saw her plight,
For giving her freedom she promised to fight.
She teamed up with her and waged a war,
Though there were many an enemy their will was tall.
For many days the battle was on the loose,
In the end the two won though they were battered and bruised.
The opponents faced a terrible defeat,
The winners sighed with joy and relief.
And though she was tired and many injuries she had got, she laughed
For she had won the freedom for which she had always fought.
My grandmother was a victim of improper domestic behaviour by her husband and his side of family. She could not go anywhere without her husband, not even to her own house. Only when my mother opposed this strongly and fought against the relatives of my grandfather, could she get freedom. In India, there are many such women who suffer like this or even in a worse manner. This poem is for those women. I do not know or care whether it is a good or bad poem. But please write reviews on this poem as it would help me make it more beautiful and influence more people.
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139,643 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Hey there!
I just want to say that it's really great of you to have picked this subject. I know people close to me have suffered from it, and it's wonderful that you've written a poem about this.
However, as you did ask for reviews I'll give you my thoughts. I think that the rhyme scheme is forced, and it just drags the poem backwards. Why not try free-form? I also think that the poem is too vague to really show any of it's true meaning. I wasn't too sure what it was about until I read your note at the end, and I think it would be really great if you incorporated more of the story into your poem.
Well done!
~Amy
Hello!
I'd have to agree with what was said before about rhythm and using stronger words. Don't make things sound forced just for the sake of rhyming; figure out what you want to say and then play with words a bit. See what sounds good and fits well.
This is a poem about hardship and abuse, so give it some of that personality. Make the poem really show the brutality of what happened. You said you want to influence people, so make it something that will horrify them when they realize that this stuff does happen regularly. That way, they'll never forget and they're likely to pass the word on.
I think it was a good poem and a good idea--something that needs to be addressed. But remember it's something you feel strongly about. Shouldn't you put all your heart into it? Give us more of a mental image.
Take care and keep writing!
Vanadis
I really like longer poems and this one delivered. Not much else to say that the others didn't cover, but I would like to say keep writing because this is one of the best pieces of poetry I have looked at lately.
my favorite lines.
~DayDreams
This was a very good poem, like Grin said the topic was handled very well. But I agree with Dreamer. If you read back through and focus a little more on the syllable count it will help the reader be able to read through it. It will help the flow. This is a beautiful poem but just go back through it and scratch the unnecessary words or reword some spots. Keep writing it's wonderful.
~peanut~
Hi, I'm Grin
Okay, this was good. I liked it. It's a sensitive topic and you have handled it well, with nothing I can make out that seems likely to cause offense. But, as always, I have my nitpicks:
Woah! This line is really long and doesn't fit with the rest of the verse. I think you have a couple others like this. If you're going to do that, you should do it in every verse.
There are also some short lines that don't quite fit. If you read it aloud, you'll see what I mean. It just doesn't sound quite right.
But, well done. Thanks for posting this. With a little nwork it will be good.,
Hope I helped.
~Grin
I really love how you have these motivations behind this poems that you write, it's very sweet and I think you deserve a tip of the hat for it.
It's quite the horrible topic you've picked and I really hate to discuss such things but here we are:
You're language is very plain compared to the subject you are discussing. Use harsh words would be my biggest suggestion. There are words that have vowel sounds that are harsher.
For example: hit is harsh sounding with the sharp 'T' sound
But strike is harsher with the 'st' and 'k' sound.
Experiment with your words, but never stop writing.
Kamas
Haha, this reminds me of a song called, "Woman in Chains." It goes like this:
I like the subtlety of this song and the way it conveys the important images without overdoing it completely.
Anyway, I would love to see more story here. The story that you posted on the bottom is very compelling, but the poem really doesn't reveal much or talk about her struggle. Instead, it's vague and hopelessly forced in a rhyme that doesn't even have any real rhythm. If you read it out loud, your tongue would trip way too much. You want to have it smooth... and you want to have it with real, violent images. This sounds horrible, but which one would you rather see? A struggle described with violent language that resolves in victory and peace or a slightly vague poem talking about how someone went through a struggle and succeeded in the end?
And that might sound terrible, but look at the words you used to describe what the poem was about. It's awful stuff. Might as well make it so awful that you make it stick in their minds... and introducing conflict in both language and content is the best way.
Good luck with this poem!