Published November 24, 2009
She stood on the boardwalk to lost in her daydream to realize the presence that stood only feet behind her.
As he stood there watching her stare off into the sunset wondering what held her attention just so he also questioned how he was meant to let this rare beauty go.
The tiny hairs at the back of her neck stood straight only then did she turn to look into his caramel pained face.
As he looked into her eyes he thought back to the times where her had comforted her and kept her safe never arriving a second to late.
She had never before seen this look on his face when precious seconds had ticked by she came to realize that it was their time for good-bye.
He pulled her into his tight embrace then leaned down to plant a ever so soft kiss onto her face.
She was placed back at arms length to watch him walk away and did so without a single tear to slide down her face.
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140,387 Literary Works • 673,143 Reviews
Hi, I'm Grin, queen of Narrative-land
it's very nice to meet you.
is all I can give you.
I'm with Dreamer and tigress, this could use line breaks. When I first saw this, before I read it, I thought it was part of a story and in the wrong forum. Now I've read it, I can see it's a poem, but it doesn't look like one from a first impression.
This is very emotional, as cheez said. You've got a lovely story to work with here and you've expressed it well, but it needs so much expansion. Tell us more! You've gotten us intrigued and then broken it off without filling our curiosity. If you intended to do a sequel, that would be good, but this should be a one-shot so you should give your readers more.
Otheer than that, just a big "Well done" and a smile
Hope I helped
~Grin
Emotion. Tons and tons of it. I love it, the bitter tiny tangy tint of mystery in it. Wonderful
~Cheez_Burger~
I disagree with the critics on this.. Sometimes poetry is supposed to be a pathway to the soul. What do you think happened before this? Can't you put yourself in their shoes and relate to this? It's beautiful and critics here go for the aesthetic criticism
I agree with some of the previous posts you could really expand on this. Narrative poetry tells a story, which is what you are doing but it could be much longer. We don't know what happened to these two people before this, so you could make it longer and maybe explain. Dreamer was right about the line breaks, you can be creative about them, not just breaking at end marks but when you feel it needs to break for the purpose of the poem. But when doing that you must punctuate the lines correctly. This link may help with learning the punctuation--> Poetry and Punctuation
It was a lovely poem but expand on it and it will be much more lovely
~peanut~
I think you're off to a really good start! The story and the imagery you have are awesome, but you have a few grammar mistakes, like in a couple of places you used "to" instead of "too".
I agree with Dreamer on the line breaks; I think it would make it a little less awkward to read. And by awkward I really don't mean to be mean, just that it was a little awkward in some places. Line breaks would really help. Like here:
It could be read better if it were broken up something like this:
As he looked into her eyes,
He thought back to the
Times where he had
Comforted her and
Kept her safe,
Never arriving a
Second too late.
I am by no means saying you should use my suggestion to see where you should place the line breaks (I'm a novelist, not a poet!). I'm just trying to get my point across that it would read better broken up. And even if you decide not to go with changing the line breaks, at the very least you should use commas, semicolons, and whatever punctuation is necessary. The only punctuation I saw were periods, and frankly, that's just not enough.
Overall, though, I think this is a really awesome, beautiful poem. I really enjoyed it! PM me if you have any questions about my review.
~Becki
I really enjoyed this poem,
I think its very intense and your thrown into the scene immediately and out of it again, all in a few lines, and even though this is a risky thing to do,
It worked very well here.
''He pulled her into his tight embrace then leaned down to plant a ever so soft kiss onto her face. She was placed back at arms length to watch him walk away and did so without a single tear to slide down her face''
This gives you a really good image, i think the way you wrote this just projects exactly what you want it too, and its excellent.
Well done,
In poetry, line breaks usually occur in the middle of a sentence, not at the end. For example, check out this poem by Lewis Carol, titled A Boat Beneath A Sunny Sky and look at the line breaks there. Often at a comma, though not always so. The line breaks often occur halfway through the sentence, though again, not always. Go look up a few poems and check out where the breaks are in relation to the period, then decide how you want to format your own poem from there.
I liked it a lot. You put a good amount of emotion into this small piece, but didn't overdo it. I did like the shortness though. The emotion was portrayed nicely, though I think the beginning could be a bit neater and easier to understand. I suggest you read through it, I believe there were a few typos. This would help your readers comprehend it. Keep Writing!
~Lukan
It was really short.
I would've liked to hear what had happened before this "scene". But I guess that's the good thing about not knowing their past. It makes the story a mystery ^^
Very nice
Ida Cupatti ! =^.^=