Published July 21, 2009
I'm kinda new at this so please comment!!!
The White One
Deep in the heart of the jungle,
Something moves but it cannot be seen.
It's camouflaged in the fearns,
Though is white and not green.
Unlike all the rest orange,
This one is white as snow.
It is keeping it's head steady,
Whlie keeping it's body low.
Now I see what it is!
It's a tiger a white one,
A mother with her new born son.
A stick cracked her ears pricked,
A baby bongo was playing around with a kick.
The mother got in a crouch her eyes sparkle blue,
The cub was happy with delilight and let out a soft mew.
She sprang forward with much power,
The baby bongo shrieked but was frozen with cower.
They sat down and ate,
Then came along was her old mate.
Suddenly I dropped my pen,
In shock were my men.
The tigers were gone in a flash,
I was angery my knee I lashed.
I said "I was lucky" when the bird sung,
"At least I saw the white one."
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
Okay this is one thing I saw that I don't think anyone else mentioned. You changed tenses. This confused me and I don't know if you did it on purpose or not. It seems like the narrator would be watching this. So it would be in present tense like the first part of the poem. Unless your narrator is recalling a memory then you should probably explain that s/he is remembering.
Like some of the others mentioned you were a little jumpy. The stanzas I pointed out above are mainly where you skipped to something else. Add something in it or change the tense, that should help.
The story was wonderful. Very interesting for your first try. Good job
Hope I helped.
~peanut~
Does anyone else find it funny that Black Panther wrote something called 'The White One?'? xD
Hi, I'm Grin.
I'm with Dreamer and June - you're very jumpy. Things are happening too fast and you have major events in a short couplet and there's nowhere near enough time for your reader to grasp the idea of what's actually happening.
You have a very early-on style. By that I mean you have a lot to develop. But don't worry, it will develop quickly. YWS does amazing things to the style of writers. That's not to say your style is bad, but rather that it will get a lot better very quickly now you're here.
This is a good first attempt, although in future if you're in a rush you should save your post without submitting it, and spend a little time working on it later on. If something is too rushed, it doesn't feel right and your reader will have less understanding and appreciation than you as a poet deserve.
I hate to be critical, but this is constructive and I really hope I've been helpful. You have really good potential.
~Grin
Hey there,
Not too bad -- pay attention to most of what Shina pointed out, because that's some pretty important stuff! As Dreamer said, this is more or less a little unsteady for me to enjoy, but you did a fair job. I like your spacing on rhyme, and you maintain an easy, laidback language throughout. Keep it up.
June
Good structure, good concept, but a little too jumpy for me. You gor from one area of the jungle to the other before we even have time to look around, so to speak. Look, here's a cat. Over here is a bird. Here we have a fish. There are some video games. While an exaggeration, it's still the same concept. You name something as being present, and then almost immediately move on to the next point. Slow it down. Give us some breathing room, show us around a bit. Or at least allow for some more transition.
I thought that his poem had a very simple structure, but a deep undertone. It was brilliant to read because of the double meaning. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. However, there were some places where the rhyme scheme - where it was used - was choppy. But the positives definitely outweigh the minor flaws. I believe that with a little reworking this poem could be a masterpiece.
Great piece of work.
8/10
Hey thanks, I love describing the jungle and other plants and animals. This was my first poem that I ever wrote, it took me about two days in my class, but i liked it. Thanks for your review.
~Panther
This was a pretty good one.Really simple with no "deep" meaning to understand.
Very nice description of the jungle and the observations of the tigers.I guess this poem had something to do with the beauty of nature(that is if I am right).
Good last line.Shows how the narrator thought himself to be fortunate.
All the best with your other works.
It's pretty good, the only thing is that you go from past tense to present tense and it makes the reader a little confused. Other than that, fluent poem and a cool concept.
Hey sorry about the small errors i was typing too fast cause i was about to leave. other than that i thoght that i did well for my first time
Hey Panther ^^ Shina here for a review
I. Nitpicks
I'd remove "it". It's redundant.
Remove "is" because it's redundant and breaks the flow.
*ferns, not fearns
I think you mean to say "Unlike the rest that are orange"
You mean *its, not it's.
*While, not whlie.
Comma after "tiger".
Newborn is one word.
*delight
-Shina
I love your new sig. I think that it fits you
Thanks for the comment I think that I will continue writing more poetry Ill keep you posted if I do post any more
~Panther
Yaaaaaay you posted!
I like it. Very fluent and poetic. But who am I to critique poetry? Keep it up!
~Wolfy
P.S.- like my new signature?