Young Writers Society

Hey there!

Well, I'm basically repeating what others have said, but I think you need to deliver this better. At the moment, with the rhyme scheme and lack of poetic devices, it's given to the reader kind of flat. We really, really don't want flat in poetry. You want to deliver this with a bang. Try to really ... feel the emotion of the poem, and show the emotion by using imagery, or even just with your word choice.

~Amy

A good job for a first start.

Greetings!

One thing that bugged me was the repeated stanza. Those are okay, except your poem was really short, so 50% of it was just repeating itself. If you want to try the repeated stanza, add more meat to the middle of the poem. Nobody wants a flimsy burger (which is what that reminds me of.)

The idea was totally true and easy to relate to. You mention that your efforts can lead to disaster--maybe you would like to expand on this. What exactly happens? What do failures and successes feel like? Your point in this poem is to stress to readers not to give up on their art, so give them good, concrete reasons to believe you. If I could put in my two cents, I'd say write about the disappointment and hopelessness an artist can feel when none of their art turns out right no matter how much and how hard they try. For example, all the artists I know who can't draw hands; they get so frustrated. They give up and start drawing figures with their hands behind their backs because it never looks right and they don't want to try anymore. Keep these people in mind as you're writing. Write about how they try, how they feel when they fail, why they should keep trying, and then, most importantly, what it feels like to succeed. That's the main feeling you didn't touch on in here.

Also, don't compromise your rhythm for rhyming's sake. If it doesn't seem right, remember you can experiment with different schemes, or you don't have to rhyme at all.

I think with a little work and more feeling, you can improve this immensely.

Thank you for posting!

Take care,
Vanadis

I thought it was decent enough. One positive thing I had was that it felt slightly relateble to a real life situation. My favorite thing about it was the topic you choose. I did not like the repeating line at the end of the first and last paragraph though. Maybe if you can edit with different closing line I will like it a bit more.

Keep writing,

DayDreams

I don't agree with everyone else in that I thought you had a pretty good delivery of your piece, but I didn't like the idea. Sorry if that was really contrary XD
But I think that the fact art is hard is, like, a given. If you said that art was easy, that would be enlightening or surprising.
And I'm not a big fan of rhyming either but.. it's OK.
Sorry if that was a pointless review.
A gold star for your, good work. Just not my cup of tea.
Keep rhyming,
Empress

Hi july!

Okay, this is a great first attempt. And for anyone struggling with going into something brand new, I would point to this and say, in a loud, commanding voice, "Read and understand."

This is an excellent motivaition. And I don't think having the first and last verse the same is boring, because there's so much substance in between. But maybe changing the last line so that the last impression is really emphasised without having been pointed out before would help you a bit. And I'm really sorry, but that's all I can think of to help you at the moment. You've done the rhyming well where others are restricted by it. And you've taken something every artist goes through and put across how it feels really effectively. Well done.

Hope I helped
~Grin

Hey there!

Nice work. I can't do rhyme like this, so I applaud you on it. For a first poem, this is actually good.

Dreamer said it best about the rhyme; some people like me are utter trainwrecks in it, causing more pollution and damage than is half necessary for something to be important. Here, you pull it off fairly-- I'm not so sure I like it because you don't take much care to make the rest of your poem flow fluently, dear. I think you should pay attention to this! Keep your eyes focus and remember, message first, rhyme later.

I like the concept in this! (Determination for the win). Keep writing, and post more.

June

Yikes, rhyming.

Rhyming isn't a bad thing, far from it. It does pose some challenges, however. Once you settle on a rhyme scheme, you often feel the need to stick to it, which means you're now focusing on two things now instead of one. You're writing the poem and conveying your idea, which is what you do anyway, but now you're also trying to make that idea rhyme, and rhyme in a specific way. It takes a lot of work for someone to actually pull of rhyming and do it well. Otherwise, it just feels forced and awkward.

Like others have said. This is a beautiful concept and idea to write a poem off of. However, it is rater literal, and somewhat simple. This poem would be amazing if it time could be put towards rewriting. Do not get discouraged. Anyones poem, no matter the experience, needs to rewritten several times. Try to make big concepts more subtle, to wow the reader more. Also, there are a couple of errors with punctuation, but that is just petty flaws.

The verdict: Great Concept, loved the idea, just rework it a little

Imagry would be nice. Metaphores too(well more).Similes would work well here to.
You want to make it as much of a thrill living as you do writing it...So that the reader can feel it to. You want to give his all this explaination and feelings and thoughts in a manner so that we understand and connect, Thus making a good read.

Now I am not going to say this was a great idea. (Even though it is) Because they already said it.
Art is hard to master. And Poetry is an art. You'll master it in no time, if you keep up with creative topics.
P.S.Poems don't always need to rhyme.

You can ignore me, if you want... I am not entirly sure about your poem haha.
Keep writing.
Silented1.

I understand what you were trying to do but this wasn't that interesting. Like the above post states this is a great concept, and I know you were using repetition with the first and last stanza. You need to broaden your vocabulary and use more wordplay; make things interesting.

Good first try though I see potential.

Your concept was beautiful as its true. But you need to watch your use of puntuation its lacking.
And your 1st and last stanza is the same it gets the reader bored.
Keep up the good work.