MaryEvans

Now, I haven’t really read the previous chapters, I skimmed over them, so I will focus on style in this review. Just let me say from the beginning I think ...

It’s not a bad story but I think there are some issues that need to be addressed. I might sound a bit too critical, but again the story is good, ...

Present tense is tricky to pull off but you seem to be managing fine. I would be wary of repetitions thought, both in words and meanings. The style and voice ...

Don’t overdo it with the adjectives. While you want to have enough to “draw” the scenery, having streams of “thin, scratchy” followed by a “cold, hard” in the same sentence ...

You keep using Ryan, Ryan in the first few paragraphs, don’t be afraid to substitute it with “he” from time to time. You tend to skip punctuation a lot, dots ...

I find myself saying this a lot today but be careful of repetitions. Nice opening, really vivid imagery of the desolation. Though try not to generalize with things like: “or ...

All right, here it goes: Beware of pesky repetitions, they tend to sneak up unnoticed sometimes. Reading it out-loud helps to spot them. “or if I did I don't remember ...

Here we go: “signed in boredom” I think you got a typo: sighed. “Davey was a young knight, two years older than he was, who helped guard at the palace. ...

Okay. I am going in deep, nitpicking every single detail, so this might seem a bit overly long, but it’s often just minor stuff. “Riiiiiiing, Riiiiiiing, Riiiiiing” in comics and ...

I don't know if you meant this as a chapter or a blurb, since you said it's an attempt and a draft, but I will treat it as if it ...

While I do agree that the previous comment was a bit too sharp, there are still some very relevant points. First, however, I will dismiss the remark that this was ...

Your dialogue and pacing are good, but you lack in descriptions. At some points it becomes hard to know who’s talking, and at others there’s suddenly too many names with ...

There aren’t any significant issues in terms of grammar or all that stuff so I will plunge straight into style and composition. The first few lines it feels like the ...

Very gripping, an excellent piece. There are a few things to smoothen, here and there, but overall it’s very good. I loved your descriptions, especially the smudged people and the ...

Let’s jump right into it: “I sat in my bed, running my fingers through my hair, waiting for it to stop.” It’s a nice visual but perhaps the tense is ...