*Authors note: Ths is a rough draft. It was an idea I had a couple of days back and i wanted to see how it would work. This is the original draft i did. So if it's awful you know why
Sphealwithit out...*
Friday 20th January 2014
2:15 St Mary's College for the Arts
"Hey Skyler" Says a tall girl with long bright red hair, she is wearing the shool's regulation unifrom. A white blouse, black pleated skirt, black tights, a navy and black tie and a black jumper. She wore black vans as school shoes. Her red and black checkerd bag is lazily slung over one shoulder. She slides into a chair next to Skyler and produces a laptop from her bag. The girls are sitting in the large empty library of the school. Megan pulls up her jumper sleeves, grabs a bobble from around her wrist and ties her hair back.
"Hi Megan" Skyler says while fishing in her pencil case to retrive a grubby looking pencil. Even though the two girls were seventeen Skyler looked much older. Her dirty blond hair hanging loose down to her waist, her fringe covering one eye. The dark laptop screen comes to life quickly and Skyler notices Megan's background. "I can't beleive you still have that! HAHA" Megan looks sligtly hurt but ends up smiling.
"I wan't to preseve our friendship, sue me" Megan moves her finger over mousepad until the google chrome symbol is highlighted. Double clicking, a new search window pops up. Megan types the letters "MSN". Skyler had returned to the sketch she was completing when a softly spoken "Cool" makes her jump slightly.
"Ah! What?" Says Skyler as she glares at Megan.
"Huh? Oh did I scare the ickle baby?" Megan pouts while putting on the baby voice.
"Shut up. What's so cool anyway?" Megan turns the computer so that Skyler can read the virtual news page. The page reads "Mysterious lights in sky could be linked to several major black outs over the past few weeks" Skyler's face looks unimpressed with the story. "This is what passes for news these days? God they really are so easily amused."
"Hey! To me this story is pretty interesting" Says Megan sounding offended, turning the laptop screen back she begins to scroll through the rest of the news articles.
"Sorry. Listen, this isn't gonna turn into one of your conspiracy theories is it?" Skyler asks while putting the finishing touches on her sketch. "You never know it could be Aliens Megan AAALLLIIIEEENNNSSS" Skyler waves her fingers in front of Megan's face and Megan swats them away like a fly.
"There is a special place in Hell for you you know." Megans says while smiling.
"Oh really? Where?" Skyler asks sounding confused.
"Yeah, it's called the throne." After hearing this Skyler laughs and places her hand on Megan's shoulder.
"I would make an excellent queen" Skyler says in what Megan thinks is a posh accent. "I hear the weathers lovely this time of year."
"If you like it so much, why don't you just go get yourself an apartment on the river sticks." The girls both laugh and as the bell rings they begin to pack away their things and head out the large doors.
"Well that was pretty pointless, I was only there for five minuets." Sighs Megan as the doors close.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, hope you find my review informative. First, a preview is necessary.Check your spelling and punctuation. Though I like how your characters are described, I think your setting and situation needs a bit more colourful description. I also think your dialouges need a bit more working on. On a special note, check your last sentence.
Now onto the things I like. Your title did catch my eye and as I am a fan of mystery and suspence this story was a must. I also like how you've left your readers at the end- wanting to read more. (ya, that includes me too) As I've said earlier I liked how you have described your characters.
Overall, A good story which leaves readers wanting more.
- Anshira; Red Team.
Thank you
You welcome
Hello! Buggiedude2340 here to review!
So first: some clean up is necessary. Check your commas and periods and spelling because I found more than a few mistakes. For example, (and I know that a lot of people have this problem, so don't worry too much) in your first sentence describing Megan, place the first period after 'red hair' and use a comma after 'uniform.'
Also, I think you could have described the library a bit better. I want to know if it's more modern-looking or more of an old library. Set the mood with your setting!
Other than that, you have a great start here! You left me hanging there at the end, and I'm really curious about what Megan is saying. The characters already seem pretty well-developed too.
Great job!
Thank you
I always have this habit of making up characters before i even begin to type that's were most of my effort goes i'm afraid 
I don't know if you meant this as a chapter or a blurb, since you said it's an attempt and a draft, but I will treat it as if it aims to be a chapter.
The first person narration is ok, it can work well with a bit of polishing. What you should work on are descriptions, for example when you introduce the characters you begin with a blurb abour their looks, avoid this. Reveal the information subtly and step by step, not in a big chunck.
Then I generally advise not to begin your very first chapter with a dialogue line. Go back to basics and open with a short "establishment shot" where you introduce the settings. Never forget to give details of the settings, again subtly, but one or two clear signs to show us where we are and help up immerse in the story.
Finally, the whole of this is a big dialogue, dialogues are good, but try to balance them out better with narration. And don't forget: show don't tell.
Thanks
I'm working on it