Chapter One: Festival/Joy/Challenge

by JayBlu

Published September 21, 2013

16+

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

" They say there will be a storm today" said Staff Sergeant Nagoke Kotear, his dark brown eyes peering into the sky as he ran a plastic comb into his nappy black hair.

" Yeah, I heard the same brother. It's a shame really since it's so sunny and the air is so warm. I don't see a storm cloud in the sky" said Corporal Nagoro Kotear, also peering with his very own lighter brown eyes; though his black hair was neat and parted in the middle as had been his hairstyle since a child.

Nagoro was laid on the grass with his back against the trunk of a massive oak tree, staring off into the distance of the horizon. A baby blue sky with only a handful of white wispy clouds decorating were visible with the sun being directly to the south. Nagoke was standing, though leaned against the same tree. Around the two brothers was a clearing in the midst of the Pinerow Forest, where trees whose canopies reached hundreds of feet surrounded them. Wildflowers dotted the clearing and a squirrel or two raced across several feet in front Nagoro and Nagoke keeping a safe distance while searching for food.

" I wonder if the festival has started?" asked Nagoro.

" No I don't think so. They never start without the sounds of the local bands playing for the open ceremony. We'll hear them even from this distance trust me" said Nagoke.

" I hope so. I would hate to miss those pastries they make at that bakery. You know they only make them during the festival right?" said Nagoro with a childish grin.

" Yeah, that would be why I can never find them during the rest of the year. That's a shame really. I guess thats what makes them so special then" said Nagoke.

" For forty years now, we've had this festival here in The Earth Empire to celebrate the end to the Imperial War between the Five Great Empires. Forty years of peace. It can't last can it? I mean before the previous war, there was countless other wars that the Empire all fight against one another. The peace in between each of those was broken by some other war or another" said Nagoro.

" Are you saying you would relish another war?" asked Nagoke, a bit confused and even disturbed.

" No, just saying, history has a tendency to repeat itself don't you think?" said Nagoro, an interesting question aimed at his older brother.

" Yeah I guess so. Still, talking too much about it is not exactly a good thing Nagoro. Some things are best left in the past" said Nagoke.

" You're right" said Nagoro though his mind still drifted off into the possiblities of what could be the future if things went badly.

Suddenly the sounds of trumpets, tuba's, clarinets, and others were heard in the distance. They meshed together into a powerful sound of a song that Nagoro definitely knew from one theatre play or another.

" Thats the theme song to that child's play they used to host at the theatre when we were kids isn't it?" asked Nagoke.

Nagoro grinned, yes he remembered. He would wait outside the theatre's main gates in the early dawn of the morning with his brother Nagoke and their mother to buy tickets. Nagoro remembered being very disappointed when they ceased to host that particular play anymore.

" Yeah it is. Mrs. Yerevan & Me was the name of the show. I remember" said Nagoro, his grin still holding.

" I remember Mom would save money from her paycheck's from working at the textile factory to take us every weekend to see that show. Good old Mom" said Nagoke, though his tone had become reminiscent and slightly unhappy,

" Yeah, Mom was the best that's for sure. She's in a better place now. Or she better be, she put up with us gremlins as children when we were always getting in trouble. She's a saint in my eyes" said Nagoro, his tone also less happy.

" Mine too" said Nagoke and he closed his eyes as a slight breeze blew through.

Nagoro and Nagoke shared a slightly pained look and then Nagoke nodded as if something deep had been said.

" Well little brother, let's head back to the city. The festival is just getting underway, I'm curious to find out why they chose that song for the bands to play" said Nagoke, a excited look in his eyes.

" Yeah, sounds like a good idea actually" said Nagoro, as he took up a quick pace after Nagoke who had already gotten a head start ahead of him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" Jeez, why do you always have to make a mockery of even the simplest homework tasks!!!???" roared a middle-aged man who was clearly upset at the young child who stood in front of him.

" Why do you always have to give out so much homework!!??" snapped the child back at his instructor which got a few gasps from the other students seated at their rows of desks behind the young boy.

The middle-aged man frowned and stroked his long beard that was beginning to gray as his dark blue eyes searched the young child's face for something. He obviously didn't find it for he became even more annoyed and angered then before. Though he made one last attempt to calm his mood before things got out of hand.

" Aasir, I give you this homework so you better understand the material that I have discussed in that days class. Yet I seem to forget that you don't even pay attention during class either anyways. You'll never become a fully-fledged Martial Artist of The Fire Empire with this kind of conduct in the academy" said the middle-aged man in a calmer tone, trying to speak some sense to the boy named Aasir.

Aasir's dark green eyes narrowed as he ruffled his own light brown hair in annoyance at his instructor, Galaren Fereldas. Aasir despised homework, but then he despised work in general if it wasn't combat training of some sort.

" Why do we do paperwork if we're going to be Martial Artists who fight with theirs fists and feet and not words in the first place place?" Aasir argued once more.

Finally, Instructor Galaren simply sighed and put his head down onto his desk and with his voice muffled as he spoke in a defeated tone to Aasir this time.

" Aasir Hitaraga, go to the Principal's office. We're done here" said Galaren as he stuck out his hand with his index finger pointing towards the door gesturing for Aasir to leave out of it at once.

Aasir was confused, yet he proudly exited the classroom and headed down the hallway towards the Principal's office. He noticed posters and billboards advertising the festival that would be hosted tommorrow in honor of the forty year long peace between the Five Great Empires. He passed a window that showed that Aasir was on one of the higher floors of the Martial Artist Academy for he could see above several streets of houses and small businesses.

" One day, I'mma be the protector of all this" said Aasir to himself, and he grinned as he just knew he would make his Empire proud one day and make a name for himself.

Aasir then continued onto the Principal's Office. He needed only to take the first left into a short hallway that only had three doors on either side and one at the end that said Principal Urartu Indiguun on a plaque above it. For the most part Principal Urartu had been kind to Aasir despite the fact Aasir was sent to him for something or another every week at least once or twice.

Aasir was grateful that the Principal hadn't lost patience with him and completely expelled him for the rest of the year so he'd fail and have to take that whole year over again. Aasir was turning thirteen in three days, and he also was in his last year at the academy which ended in a couple weeks. So he had to pass. He hadn't failed a year yet but he had come close every year so far in the academy, only barely passing because of his combat training scores.

Aasir stopped at the door, and he knocked roughly.

" Come on in Aasir" called out the Principal in his deep nearly baritone voice which seemed to sound tired to Aasir.

Aasir opened the door and there was Principal Urartu staring at him with a less then friendly expression upon his face. He had a file with papers flapping in the wind of an open window behind the Principal. He closed the file and set it down on his desk, which was cluttered with more papers, files, and several books stacked in a corner. Aasir entered and the Principal pointed to a chair in front of him for Aasir to sit in.

" So, trouble again Aasir?" asked Principal Urartu.

Aasir frowned, and realized the Principal was not in his usual good humored mood this time. He might be in serious trouble this time around he began to realize. Aasir merely nodded and had a hard time looking up at the man.

" Aasir, why is it you are in my office so often? Why do you feel you must give your instructors such a hard time every chance you get? You should know they are only trying to teach you what you must know before you become a Martial Artist for The Fire Empire" said Principal Urartu.

" The homework is trash. Who cares about who was Emperor in what year and what day so and so invented this and that!!? I'm going to be a Martial Artist who fights!! Not blows hot air!!" said Aasir rather loudly.

" Oh really? From what I gather you're not going to graduate this year because your grades are slipping for the fourth year in a row now. This time combat training scores will not save your final grade" said Principal Urartu.

Aasir said nothing as his head hung low. The Principal's eyes grew a bit wide.

" Lost for words? That's rare. What's bothering you Aasir? I can't help you if you don't allow me to but these issues between you and your instructor must cease and stop" said Principal Urartu.

Aasir shook his head declining to answer what was wrong with him. It made no sense to Aasir. Martial Artists fought, they did not read books for academic purposes, they did not need to know history. So why was he being forced to learn it? Aasir looked at his Principal, and merely stood and was headed for the door. Before he exited, he respectfully spoke.

" Don't worry Principal Urartu, I won't cause another scene" Aasir said, and then he attempted to walk out but Principal Urartu stopped him.

" Sit back down Aasir, we're not finished" he said.

Principal Urartu gripped a file that had been laid on his desk previously and then he stood and approached a bookcase against the wall to Aasir's left and he stared into a picture in a frame upon one of the shelves. Then he Principal Urartu turned to stare Aasir directly into his eyes. Aasir had never realized Principal Urartu was quite old until just then. The old man looked tired, and the emotion in Principal Urartu's eyes somehow saddened Aasir deeply.

" Do you know anything about the last Geat Imperial War? The one that ended forty years ago?" Principal Urartu asked Aasir, his voice silent, but somehow intense despite his facial appearance of stoicism.

Aasir thought about it but then he realized h knew very little if anything about it.

" No" was all he could say.

" I was there, I fought in it. I watched many friends lose their lives for their Empire. And couple after the war ended were unable to cope with the amount of death and loss in peacetime. So they took their own lives Aasir. You want to fight so badly. Yet you do not realize the pain and hardship, the loss and suffering that goes hand in hand with the life of a Martial Artist if the need to fight should ever arise" said Principal Urartu.

Aasir sat there silently, he knew nothing of which to say in response to his Principal. What could be said? Principal Urartu suddenly had tears in his eyes, though they never fell down his cheeks. Principal Urartu grinned at Aasir.

" I've noticed you are quite the gifted warrior Aasir. You score the best marks in hand to hand combat and weapons combat. You even favor the sword like I used to. I'm curious how well you would work in a team. Your combat training instructors will be beginning classes of teamwork where you will work together as apart of a team against another team of your fellow students. It is in preparation for when you are paired into a squad after graduation. I will be watching you with an interested eye" said Principal Urartu.

Aasir's eyes lit up at the thought that it seemed he would get out of this predicament of being in trouble unscathed once more.

" Now on to what we'll do with you when it comes to your troublemaking, back talking your instructors, and you're failing grades in almost all of your classes" said Principal Urartu.

Aasir slumped a bit, disappointed. Principal Urartu laughed at this, and then he looked up at the ceiling while leaning back into his chair, humming as he contemplated what to do next with Aasir. Aasir felt a slight cold sweat on his forehead in anxiety for what Principal Urartu might have in store for him.

" Aasir, I'll tell you what. We'll make a deal" said Principal Urartu.

Aasir looked up hopefully at his Principal.

" If you can land one bodily hit to me in a duel, I'll forgive your past transgressions and I'll even work something out to help you pass the year and graduate" said Principal Urartu.

Aasir grinned at that. He was an excellent fighter in his own opinion, of course he could land one hit!! Principal Urartu was old and couldn't possibly move that fast.

" I'll take that bet" said Aasir, and he and Principal Urartu shook on it as the deal was made.

Comments & reviews · 2

User avatar
MaryEvans
Review
MaryEvans wrote a review Review · Sep 22, 2013

There aren’t any significant issues in terms of grammar or all that stuff so I will plunge straight into style and composition.

The first few lines it feels like the reader is bombarded with expository information but little details relevant to the action and the situation. You also start with dialogue, which can be done, is done a lot (usually badly) and I always suggest to people not to begin their very first chapter with a dialogue line. What you want is to set the mood and establish the settings right away. These two things are extremely important in an opening and extremely hard to do with a dialogue. I see you are trying with the sky and the clouds and all that, which to be fair sounds a little bit clumsy said so directly in a dialogue line, but the focus is on the fact they are brothers and one of them is a staff sergeant. It’s a problem referred to as “talking heads” in writing, here more on that: http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/confusion1.shtml (your tags are fine though).

Further, you need to be really careful in what information you convey in an opening. While it is important to give us enough about the settings and the characters, you shouldn’t go into meandering details that give nothing to the exact scene you are writing. For example: “parted in the middle as had been his hairstyle since a child” Do we necessarily? Absolutely? Definitely? Have to know this in our opening paragraph? I didn’t think so either.

“Nagoro was laid on the grass with his back against the trunk of a massive oak tree, staring off into the distance of the horizon.” And etc. , should have come much earlier. This is what we call establishment of settings, so when we read the dialogue, we can actually see where it is happening, and not just two talking heads as pretty and detailed as they are described.
Also: “Nagoro and Nagoke” Do you have a specific reason for them to be called so similarly? If so I guess okay, but usually having similar names for characters is a no no in writing, it simply causes confusion as the reader often begins confusing one for the other. So if they absolutely have to be called so, make sure that you immediately make a distinction between the two, which can be done by comparing their looks or actions.

You really need to work on that dialogue issues. You tend to throw in exposition, which is ok, unless you do it too often, in which case the dialogue simply sounds odd and artificial. Is that really how people talk? One exercise I find always helps, read it out loud, in front of the dog, the cat, the mirror, whatever you have, and then you will, yourself, catch on the awkwardness in the lines.

And similarly to what I said earlier, are the pastries integral to the plot or the character? Then ok mention them, but they don’t need that much space. You are writing in 3rd person right? Then you can very easily do it like: a childish grin spread over his face thinking of the pastries they made at the shop just for the festival. And done, no need of dialogue, no need of one asking another character and dragging this on for lines and lines.

So yeah these are the main issues I found. What I advise is, I guess, pace yourself, really think of your story and scenes and the best way to put them across. Reading always helps, novels, short stories, poems not so much in this case. You can do writing exercises too, where you limit yourself to a single scene and try to make the characters interract without dialogue. In any case, keep up the hard work.

dragonfphoenix wrote a review Review · Sep 22, 2013

Knight Dragon, here to review!

All right, I was going to show all the little things, but there's just too much to be advantageous. So...

On to the technical:
"Yeah, I heard the same brother", he heard the "same brother", or "same, brother"? The punctuation helps.

"A baby blue sky with only a handful of white wispy clouds decorating were visible", you forgot an "it" after "decorating".

"Nagoke was standing, though leaned against the same tree." This should be written more like "...standing, although he leaned against..." You need to have a "he" there.

"local bands playing for the open ceremony", "open" should be "opening".

"there was countless other wars that the Empire all fight against one another", the "was" should be "were", and "that the Empire" should be something like "that the nations of the Empire", and "fight" should be "fought".

"The peace in between each of those was broken by some other war or another", delete the "other".

Content:
I liked your descriptions, although I think you had too much of the brothers (why do we need to know their eye color?), and not enough of the scenery. That latter statement applies to all scenes.

Hope this helps!



Eating rice cakes satisfies that part of my brain that makes me want to eat styrofoam
— RangerofIthilien