Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Kacyleen groaned as she fell onto my bed and proceeded to peel off her boots.
“I hate chore day, I mean what's the point every time we clean the building just gets dirty again. Also why should we do it, we are almost Metals. I mean, we're practically adults!" Kacyleen kept complaining as the smell of dirty, sweaty socks reached my nose. I had to hold in a gag, the smell made my eyes burn and water. Kacyleen took no notice of it as she continued to complain away. I just watched as she redid her rats nest into a more makeshift ponytail. Finally after a while she stopped playing with her a burn locks and turned around to face me. Her expression was one I didn't like. She looked as if she wanted answers and if she didn't get them then pain would follow. Someone has been spending too much time with Rosie, I thought.
"What has gotten into you lately? Normally you would be saying snarky comments about how I did none of the work, and I'm just over exaggerating. Come on Mel something happened yesterday that you’re not letting on. We're best friends for crying out loud!" Kacyleen had always spoken before she acted, so her outburst didn't really shock me.
"Kacy stop, I told you yesterday that I can't tell you what happened. So drop it hot head!" Kacyleen pouted at the use her nickname, and mumbled something about my temper and time of the month. At that remark I kicked her off my bed. In Kacy’s attempts to get herself back on my bed my shoes and pillow were dismembered. After a numerous string of curses from Kacyleen, she managed to get herself back on my bed. After hot head got comfortable a buzz went off to the right of me.
"Melanie and Kacyleen, please report to sector seven in door twelve." Kacyleen and I looked at each other and groaned.
“I still don’t understand why we have to clean!”
“Kacyleen stop complaining. You’ll end up getting Rosie mad , then I’ll end up almost punching her, which always ends up with me having kitchen duty.” Kacyleen and I just busted out laughing at that point.
“What are you talking about? You never show up to kitchen duty, you always get away with trying to punch Rosie. Which I admit takes some skill.” Kacyleen had stop walking now and was bowing and yelling about my all mightiness. Then she stopped and pointed behind me. At the end of the hallway was Britney and Nick, the son of Aether our commander. They seemed to be in an argument of some sort, and by looks of it Britney was losing.
“What do you think they’re talking about?” Kacyleen’s voice startled me for a second. I was so engrossed into trying to hear what they were saying I hardly noticed she was there.
"I can’t tell, since they're too far away. How about you get closer? You scored 85 out of 87 on your hearing test; maybe your super eavesdropping skills will let you hear them.” Kacyleen nodded and we both ducked behind a Corinthian column. I put my hands together to give her a boast, and she grabbed a hold of the design part.
“Are you secured?” I whispered as softly as I could.
“I think so, get ready to let go….. Now” I dropped my hands down to my sides, and Kacy swung her leg up to where her arm was. She was finally able to rest up there after a few close calls and getting stuck twice. That’s when things started to go badly. Kacy was up on the top of the column when she jumped, her destination was the column about seven feet away. Kacyleen jumped six feet. It’s a miracle how Nick and Britney didn’t hear her when her body scrapped against the onyx material. I watched as Kacyleen’s body fell to the bottom of the column, a good 15 feet drop.A crunch reached my ears when she fell, Britney and Nick seemed to hear it too because they paused their conversation.
In the Underlivings you train to kill or be killed, when you show weakness or injuries you are put on the guillotine. So when I heard that crunch my blood ran cold, I could tell Kacy was scared too.Her eyes lock with mine as she struggled to get up; Britney and Nick were getting closer. I didn’t want to go to her incase she actually had a chance, but if I didn’t do something then they would see Kacy with her leg twisted behind her back.
I had an idea but it was a long shot, when I was in Hector’s pit I felt something when he was disintegrating. If I could just fell that again then something might happen that will distract Britney and Nick. I concentrated hard but nothing was happening. Come on, work Damn it, I thought. Nothing seemed to be happening; meanwhile they were only a few paces away from Kacyleen. I really started to panic at that point. That’s when I felt it. Something inside of me just seemed bubble until a few lights behind just Nick shattered, sending pieces of glass into his blue hair. When they left to investigate it I saw Kacyleen get up, she was able to stand so I might be able to fix it later. I let out a breath of relief, but a hand landed on my shoulder. It was Aether. He looked at me grimly then ushered me away, I looked back at Kacyleen to see her face filled with shock. Then we turned the corner so I couldn’t see her anymore.
Aether led me down a few stairs and into this little room. It was about the size of my quarters, not very big but cozy. The only thing in the room was two chairs in the center, and some sort of equipment in the middle. Other than that the concert walls and floor of the room made it even barer. The commander motioned for me to sit in the chair furthest from the door, the chair was uncomfortable and it seemed like it would break at any moment. I stayed silent as Aether went to the corner of the room with the equipment. After a few moments he found what he was looking for and brought it over to me.
“Put it on your forehead, and this on the back of your neck.” He handed me two little round things that were attached to a device. I did as he instructed, the object felt cold as I placed them in the specified area.
“You need to stop giving us trouble Melanie; this is the seventeenth time this month this has happened. You need to learn self-control.” I was confused as to what he talking about but I never I couldn’t interrupt him. “Well let’s hope this doesn’t happen again and hopefully if my plans work successfully it never will.” Then he hit the buttons that connected the objects on my head. Darkness took over me as my brain vibrated.
“Melanie come to my office!” Nick stood at the end of the hallway. How did I get here, I was on way too….. Where was I going? I ignored my own questions when I saw that Nick seemed to beginning impatient. Nick led me into his office and closed the door, Britney was their in the corner.
“As you know there have been whispers of an attack that the Upsiders have been planning against us. My father seems fit to let you go undercover to see if this is true. Now I expect you to be ready in the morning, head to the cafeteria at 3am, there you will be prepared by my officials. Be gone, you too Britney.” I hurried out of his office and just as I rounded the corner to the stairs Britney caught up with me.
“Well I supposed I should say good luck. I have been arguing with him all day to try and change his father’s mind. Although when I first heard about this mission I assumed it was just a punishment for the thing about Hector.” Britney rammed on but when she talked about Hector that confused me.
“What happened to Hector?” I questioned, as far I knew he was a project the skelts were working on.
“Don’t you remember silly, yesterday you turned him into tar?”
“No I didn’t don’t you remember, yesterday was my day off I spent it in the common room with Kacyleen.” Britney just looked at me like I was insane. Thats wheen I headed down to my commonroom leaving Britney be the stairs.
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
So everything keeps getting more and more intense, huh? The whole scene where Kacy was trying to eavesdrop on Britney and Nick had me on the edge of my seat. Especially when Kacy didn't make it all the way across. I was so sure that she was going to make it and that they'd learn some important information because that's how most novels I read go. But instead, she fell and hurt herself and got Melanie in trouble. I sure hope Kacy is okay. I guess we'll find out later on.
I was really confused at the end because I knew that Melanie knew about what she did to Hector. Then I reread it and realized that the machine she was hooked up to probably drained her memories, which makes the ending so much clearer. I still can't believe it! Seventeen times in a month she's has her memory wiped? Seventeen times?! That's a lot needless to say.
Melanie is quite special, huh? I mean, she just got recruited to go undercover to find out what the Upsiders are doing. That's no small feat, that's a big kid job. I do wonder though, what makes her so special? Is she the oldest? The strongest? The most expendable? I'm left here wondering how exactly she got this assignment. If she is indeed special, as in high ranking, I think you should mention that somewhere in here. Just so we'll understand Nick's reasoning better.
I can't wait to read more! Seriously, there are so many questions I would love to have answered and I'm really looking forward to seeing some action. Let me know when the next chapter is up!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
The reason she was chosen was hinted in the story. Aether said if his plans work then they'll never have to wipe her memory again, then Nick said his father thought it was fit for Melanie to go on this assignment.... Thank for the review you made my day.
Hello Kenz, Wolf here to review to embrace the power of Mina!
First off nitpicks:
I'm sure I mentioned this to you before, but explain why being a Metal matters. Add something along the lines of 'We're practically adults!'.
'Made' should be 'making' unless you want to split that into two sentences, because as it stands, it is a run-on.
No space before the comma, the comma symbol is not a word and should not be treated as such.
First off, I would replace 'into' with 'in' and second, this doesn't seem very believable to me, since she was just there a second ago. Plus, we're not told that she hears something about their conversation, but an easy way to fix that is to say that 'I forgot she was there'.
You only need three periods for an ellipsis and there should be a comma after 'Now'.
First, there should be an and before the 'I' and second, a space after the period.
I think you can tell what's wrong here.
Ouch! You did a really nice job of describing on what happened to Kacyleen, since I actually gasped and thought, Oohh, that's really going to hurt! I commend you for that. The exact same thing happened when Aether came. Seriously! You do an excellent job of creating suspense in this and I find that a really nice quality in making this more exciting! I just wish he said something when he caught Melanie (hope I spelled that right).
Though, towards the end I was really confused. I followed everything really well until the device went on her. Was there a time skip? If so, you should indicate that better by using three asterisks. I am suuuuper excited on what's happening next!! Great job, as always. You have some serious writing skills, Kenz, work them! Anyways, Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Now, I haven’t really read the previous chapters, I skimmed over them, so I will focus on style in this review. Just let me say from the beginning I think you have the world and the society nicely set up. The characters have personality too and the story has a good amount of action. So all in all the ideas and the skeleton of the story are nice.
In terms of style I see two issues, one with dialogue that can be easily fixed and one with the narration itself that might need a little bit more exercise.
But first a side note: “I had to hold in a gag, the smell made my eyes burn and water.” Isn’t that a bit exaggerated? I mean it can’t be that bad. Make his nose wrinkle, sure, make Mel’s eyes water, are her socks like the local landfill or something?
When it comes to dialogue, the characters are a bit too wordy. I’d revise what they say, read it to see if it flows and where it drags or repeats.
The actual narration on the other hand tends to be too compacted at times. Take your time, set up the scene and the action; you have all the space you need.
You also tend to tell a lot rather than show, I’d look into that, read on it maybe. But generally you get a sense of it through practice so I’d keep it in mind but not worry about it too much.
“you scored 85 out of 87 on your hearing test” expository dialogue. Try to avoid it. Also part of telling not showing. You state something happened, or a fact, or whatever, and while it is a bit more acceptable in general narration, you shouldn’t really do it in dialogue.
“She was finally able to rest up there after a few close calls and getting stuck twice. That’s when things started to go badly.” Perhaps it would be better to follow her actions, build up suspense and then show her slip up rather than say it. When you just state it like that in the very beginning you lose most of the tension.
So yeah, the outline of the story is nice and the action is plotted, but you really need to take your time to build it up. Show the characters actions, don’t state them. I don’t know if that makes much sense but… yeah. Read more, write more and you’ll get a feeling of it. I see much potential in the story so keep up the good work.