Mad

Yes, I think that sounds better. :)

I really like it, it's nice, simple and the rhythm that you use (4 syllables, I think) works nicely and allows your poem to flow really well.

A set rhythm would be using some sort of meter for every line. You could use something like iambic pentameter (the most well known one, Shakespeare and most older poets ...

Well punctuation does depend a lot on what sort of message you were going for, but what I'd suggest for this is adding a full stop at the end of ...

I sent you a message - but its stuck in my outbox and not getting sent. So I'll post it instead. I think that if you make the jokes a ...

Yes the nights on YWS are quite lonely, lol. It's nice to have someone else on around this time. Well I'll stop spamming your thread now, just wanted to say ...

Wow, I don't really know how to comment. It really is an uncensored piece, which touches on some very sad themes. I can't really make any criticisms, I didn't notice ...

:lol: Your welcome to use them if you want :)

When we are finally there, to me, doesn't seem like an ending it sets up for more. It sort of leaves the poem incomplete (to me) When we finally get ...

A pitter patter on the roof; it rained, And when she woke no horrid fiends remained. Hows that?

Thanks insanity and JC. I'll try to rework some parts of it so that it's less confusing. Rereading it I can see what you mean.

The rhythm is a bit better, it still needs some work. Also I've got to agree with bubblewrapped on the Show vs Tell. You need to do some work on ...

First of all thanks Miya, I'm glad that you liked it and thanks Claudette for your suggestions. I'm pretty sure that I'll fix up the rhythm, the middle stanza was ...

My pleasure, thank you for your reply to my poem. I appreciate the punctuation and grammar advice. I'll fix it up now. Thanks. :)

Nice poem, I like the secluded metaphor. I now see that it does work very well. I also like the ending, it is very potent.