Night is sinking, fluttering to earth as black paper. August looms
like a shadow, a ledge that will inevitably interrupt my fall. My guilt is definite.
Prophecies aren't blotchy ink on parchment or printed pages and stamped signatures,
they're the words engraved in our hearts and minds. I'll die on a Friday.
Stars click into existence with regularity. It would be a gift to burn so
brightly and still be silent, to have sputtered out of the sky
a thousand years ago, and still shine. There is no breeze to caress
my forehead, no gentle hand to guide me once I am blindfolded. I'll
crawl around on my knees, feel in the dark for the chopping block,
and even if minutes pass and I don't find it I'll
never make a sound.
---
My first try at poetry. ^_^ That doesn't mean you can't be harsh on it, though. I know it's not good, but hopefully it's an okay starting point.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
I liked it. It really got the point across, but I think that you could have tried to break up the line at better point to make them shorter but also to add more emphasis and make it that much better. Good job for your first poem though, I really liked it. Keep at it.
I'm not a poet Jenna, so I can't really crit this, but I have to say that I really enjoyed it.
So good work. Hopefully you keep going with your poems. 
-Mat
Jane:
Wonderful poetry, no doubt. The first sentence, though, I wonder if it is truly necessary, as the image it poses does not serve towards any end that I can see. In a similar way, I didn't understand "my fall" in relation to the rest of the poem--in fact, it seemed sort of standard and I think it may be best to axe the idea altogether.
As far as the close is concerned: I don't like it. It seems gimmicky. This is good enough to survive without the gimmicks.
Take care, and keep writing,
Brad
Wonderful. And I'd like to commemorate you on your use of sentence structure to add dramatics. For example:
Night >> sinking (simile)
august >> looms (simile)
guilt >> definite
prophecies >> (simile)
and then you broke the pattern with resounding surety: I'll die on Friday. I enjoy that, especially since I was terrified you'd keep up similes throughout the entire poem. The rest was beautiful, and I hope to see more of your poetry. With experience, the mechanics of it will come easier, but for now your raw materials are just as good as any others.
I think that is a great first try at poetry! I really enjoyed it.
SC
Very nice, and wonderful for a first attempt at poetry...
I don't know if it needs a particular rhythm, but I think if you tried shortening each line you could find if one pattern suits it. Shorter lines might help it to flow a little better. I think your linebreaks need work - try to cut them on a word you want to stress, even if it's not end-stopped. This will help convey your meaning. For example you end it on "so", "and", "I'll."
I also dont know if you need a new stanza for the last line...it kind of distracts from your flow. You could make it a new line only. The last couple of lines seem choppy though. Maybe rethink.
Anyway I liked, good job.
A set rhythm would be using some sort of meter for every line.
You could use something like iambic pentameter (the most well known one, Shakespeare and most older poets use this), which is basically 10 syllables per line which is either stressed unstressed, or unstressed stressed - but don't worry about that.
For some sort of set rhythm I'd suggest you just choose a certain amount of syllables that you want per line and go from there. Most meters are less than twelve, not that that means that you can't go above that.
I think that some sort of rhythm would be useful in your poem, mainly because it would make everything flow nicely, but I don't really know - it's really up to you. You may find that rhythm constricts what you are trying to get across.
I don't want to go really in depth into explaining the rhythms you can use, you probably already know about it but if not feel free to message me and I'll try and help you out as best as I can. Basically, for rhythm I was suggesting some sort of regular syllable count for each of your lines.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I had to type this up fairly quickly.
Thanks, Mad and Alainna! ^_^
The longer lines don't symbolize anything. I just ended each line where I thought it sounded best. I'll try to shorten them if it's distracting.
How do I give it a set rhythm? Do you think I should?
That was quite...an....inspirational piece. I REALLY liked it!!!
I liked the flow, not rhyming, just right.
I liked this:
To improve- maybe try re-arranging the actual structure of the piece on the page; right now it's a block of writing (a good block of writing!). Maybe try putting it into stanzas or simply putting in some spaces?
Great work,
Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxxxxxxx
I think that it is an extremely good first piece, I'm not sure about the line length though. You keep the rhythm fairly regular because all the lines are around the same length and syllable count - but there isn't a set rhythm is there? (correct me if I'm wrong).
Since there isn't a set rhythm I'm left wondering what the effect you're trying to get across with these longer lines - I suppose there isn't really any reason that poetry should be shorter lines, it's just that with these much longer lines it can read a bit more like prose than poetry. Yours doesn't really sound like prose so it's impressive that you've manged to make it sound like poetry with such a structure.
Your enjambment. I think that at times it doesn't really work for you poem because it makes everything very long and drawn out; breaking the flow. With no set rhythm the line breaks can seem a little uneven and I'm left wondering why you break off at certain points to carry on to the next line.
The actually wording of your poetry is quite sublime, I think that it conjures many emotions and thoughts, from the reader, or at least from me.
I like the sentence structure you use on the two lines where you end with a short sentences, it's effective and breaks the longer ones down into something more meaningful because it provides emphasis.
I liked the ending sentence a lot, it's a very good way of finishing, because it is easily the shortest line you have.
I hope that you will write some more poetry and that this critique helps you out and that I wasn't too harsh or anything like that.